though, she has no memory of it. Is it wrong for me to go along with this?
Rob, California It sounds like I need to send my Ambien back to the pharmacy and ask for a refund: when Sharon takes it, she turns into an insatiable fucking snorer, not a sexual freak. Having said that, if your girlfriend doesn’t remember any of these epic rogerings in the morning, it seems to me like it’s dangerously close to date-rape. Aside from the fact that it ain’t right, if she ever found out about it, and you had an argument and broke up or whatever, you could end up in leg-irons and a jumpsuit. I think a confession is in order.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I gave my wife a vibrator as a gift. Now, every night when she thinks I’m asleep, I can hear her using next to me. We’re barely having sex, and I’m worried I can’t compete with the machine. Please help.
Anonymous Hide the batteries.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve been sleeping on and off with an average-looking girl at work for a few months—usually after a Friday night session in the pub. Yesterday I found out she’s updated her “relationship status” on Facebook and is calling me her boyfriend! I never wanted this to become serious. How can I tell her this without causing drama?
Jeff, Preston First of all, you’ve got a lot of balls calling this girl “average-looking.” What are you, Mr. fucking Brad Pitt? Secondly, if you go to bed with a girl more than once, you either have to explain to her that it ain’t serious—and run the risk of her not shagging you any more—or be a man and stop doing it, ’cos she’s gonna get hurt. You also need to ask yourself the question: “How would I feel if this were the other way around?” I mean, men are very good at saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just the occasional shag,” but then if another bloke comes on the scene, they’re like wild animals marking their territory. Make up your mind how you feel, then stop messing this poor girl around.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I have a policy of not advising people on their love lives. However, I suspect my friend “Bob” (not his real name) might be having an extra-marital relationship with a neighbour, largely because he likes her breasts. If this was your mate, would you offer advice?
John, Aberdeen No. Trust me—stay away. It’s impossible to know all the facts in these situations, and you probably wouldn’t want to. Meanwhile, if he ever asks you to start covering for him, just say, “What you do is none of my business, don’t ever ask about this again, I don’t want to know.” Otherwise you’re putting your head in the lion’s den, and sooner or later, two slobbering jaws are gonna come chomping down on your neck, I guarantee it. The only time you’d have any reason to pipe up would be if someone was getting hurt, or if the situation became horrendous—like he started bringing his bit-on-the-side over to your house for dinner. In that case, it would be worth a quiet word.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Why do men always want young girlfriends? Young people are boring: they don’t have good stories to tell or interesting views to share. Do men think only with their trousers?
Darla, Helsinki, Finland The truth is, men have two brains: the one in their heads and the one in their Y- fronts. The one nearer the floor usually wins—that’s why you see these guys walking around in Los Angeles with bald spots and pony tails. In fact, a friend of mine who’s 63 came over to my house the other day in his sports car with some young female in the passenger seat who might as well have been his great-granddaughter. I said to him, “Where do you find these girls? Pre-school?” He just laughed. But I guarantee it won’t make him happy for long, ’cos one day they’ll be lying in bed and he’ll want to talk about Colonel Gaddafi, and she’ll think he’s talking about the guy who invented fried chicken. (In response to this question, a guy called “Peter” from West Sussex wrote to me, saying: “Ask Darla from Helsinki why men should NOT have young girlfriends? I sail, ski, work-out three days a week, and prefer slim and energetic companions as opposed to my overweight, TV-watching contemporaries. PS: I am 81 years old.”)
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How do you make a girl reach orgasm?
Andre, St. Albans, Hertfordshire I’ve always been too busy giving myself an orgasm to pay much attention. If you find out, let me know.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a 28-year-old woman who has never—not once!—reached orgasm. I enjoy sex but it’s more like a good aerobic workout than something mind-blowing. Am I choosing the wrong guys, or do I have some kind of deep psychological handicap? Please help.
Sanna, Helsinki, Finland Dr. Ozzy is a bit out of his depth on this one (see above), but the first thing to do is look at the side-effects of any pills you’re taking. For example, anti-depressants wreak havoc in my own screaming ecstasy department— but I don’t know what the deal is for women. Maybe also buy one of those electronic “back massager” wands, then practice trying to get yourself over-the-top on your own. The better you know your own body, the better chance you have of learning what sets you off. Failing that… give me a call.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
After I have sex my feet tingle. What’s happening? Bad circulation? Return of blood to my feet?
Daniel, New Hampshire Let me ask you something: Are you one of those blokes who likes to wear ladies’ underwear? Because I once knew a girl who wore tights during a game of hide-the-sausage, and her feet fell asleep halfway through. Maybe that’s your problem. Either that, or get rid of the ropes and the ballgag, and don’t do it hanging upside down next time.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. To spice up our sex life, he’s suggested a threesome with one of his college mates. Does this make him gay?
Anonymous Call me a boring old turd, but I’ve always preferred sex when it’s done on a one-at-a-time basis. With more than one dick swinging around the place, you might end up with a black eye, or—God forbid—getting one of ’em stuck in the wrong place. To answer your question, though, it sounds to me more like your boyfriend’s bi, not gay.
