though disordered imagination I must have! What a clever
Surely he is no common maniac who has wrought out of nothing the history, the philosophies, sciences, arts, laws, religions, politics and morals of this imaginary world. Nay, the world itself, tumbling uneasily through space like a beetle's ball, is no mean achievement, and I am proud of it. But the mental feat in which I take most satisfaction, and which I doubt not is most diverting to my keepers, is that of creating Mr. W.R. Hearst, pointing his eyes toward the White House and endowing him with a perilous Jacksonian ambition to defile it. The Hearst is distinctly a treasure.
On the whole, I have done, I think, tolerably well, and when I contemplate the fertility and originality of my inventions, the queer unearthliness and grotesque actions of the characters whom I have evolved, isolated and am cultivating, I cannot help thinking that if Heaven had not made me a lunatic my peculiar talent might have made me an entertaining writer.
EPIGRAMS OF A CYNIC
If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.
To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil, and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to represent the note of interrogation.
'Immoral' is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb.
In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be construed as indifference.
True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.
Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it.
Reason is fallible and virtue invincible; the winds vary and the needle forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and never intermits. Since it has been found that the axis of the earth wabbles, stupidity is indispensable as a standard of constancy.
In order that the list of able women may be memorized for use at meetings of the oppressed sex, Heaven has considerately made it brief.
Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is yours.
Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to woman's lack of temptation and man's lack of opportunity.
'You scoundrel, you have wronged me,' hissed the philosopher. 'May you live forever!'
The man who thinks that a garnet can be made a ruby by setting it in brass is writing 'dialect' for publication.
'Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thou seek?' 'I am Generosity, and I seek a person named Gratitude.' 'Then thou dost not deserve to find her.' 'True. I will go about my business and think of her no more. But who art thou, to be so wise?' 'I am Gratitude-farewell forever.'
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.
The boundaries that Napoleon drew have been effaced; the kingdoms that he set up have disappeared. But all the armies and statecraft of Europe cannot unsay what you have said.
A conqueror arose from the dead. 'Yesterday,' he said, 'I ruled half the world.' 'Please show me the half that you ruled,' said an angel, pointing out a wisp of glowing vapor floating in space. 'That is the world.'
'Who art thou, shivering in thy furs?' 'My name is Avarice. What is thine?' 'Unselfishness.' 'Where is thy clothing, placid one?' 'Thou art wearing it.'
To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
To have something that he will not desire, nor know that he has-such is the hope of him who seeks the admiration of posterity. The character of his work does not matter; he is a humorist.
Women, and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.
To fatten pigs, confine and feed them; to fatten rogues, cultivate a generous disposition.
Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest wrong that you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out his beast.
When two irreconcilable propositions are presented for assent the safest way is to thank Heaven that we are not as the unreasoning brutes, and believe both.
Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it a numerical presumption.
A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go.
Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Success stood still. Merit stepped off into the mud and went around him, bowing his apologies, which Success had the grace to accept.
'I think,' says the philosopher divine, 'Therefore I am.' Sir, here's a surer sign: We know we live, for with our every breath we feel the fear and imminence of death.
The first man you meet is a fool. If you do not think so ask him and he will prove it.
He who would rather inflict injustice than suffer it will always have his choice, for no injustice can be done to him.
There are as many conceptions of a perfect happiness hereafter as there are minds that have marred their happiness here.
We yearn to be, not what we are, but what we are not. If we were immortal we should not crave immortality.
A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the rabbit.
Before praising the wisdom of the man who knows how to hold his tongue ascertain if he knows how to hold his pen.
The most charming view in the world is obtained by introspection.
Love is unlike chess, in that the pieces are moved secretly and the player sees most of the game. But the looker-on has one incomparable advantage: he is not the stake.
