I thought about what it might be like to spend all my subadulthood alone in the forest with only my parents and unmated siblings as company. A shudder went through my body and Nikanj touched its sensory tentacles to mine, concerned.
?I want them to accept me,? I said unnecessarily.
?Yes. I can see that any exile could be hard on you, bad for you. But
perhaps Chkahichdahk exile would be least hard. My parents are still there. They would take you in.?
Ship exile. ?You said you wouldn?t let them take me!?
?I won?t. You?ll stay with us for as long as you want to stay.?
It meant as long as I was not more miserable alone with the family than it believed I would be if I were cut off from the family and sent to the ship. Humans tended to misunderstand ooloi when ooloi said things like that. Humans thought the ooloi were promising that they would do nothing until the Humans said they had changed their minds?told the ooloi with their mouths, in words. But the ooloi perceived all that a living being said?all words, all gestures, and a vast array of other internal and external bodily responses. Ooloi absorbed everything and acted according to whatever consensus they discovered. Thus ooloi treated individuals as they treated groups of beings. They sought a consensus. If there was none, it meant the being was confused, ignorant, frightened, or in some other way not yet able to see its own best interests. The ooloi gave information and perhaps calmness until they could perceive a consensus. Then they acted.
If, someday, Nikanj saw that I needed mates more than I needed my family, Nikanj would send me to the ship no matter what I said.
5
As the days passed, I grew stronger. I hoped, I wished, I pleaded with myself for Nikanj to have no reason ever to seek a consensus within me. If only the people would trust me, perceive that I was no more interested in using my new abilities to hurt other living things than I was in hurting myself.
Unfortunately I often did both. Every day, at least, Nikanj had to correct some harm that I had done to Lo?to the living platform on which I lay. Lo?s natural color was gray-brown. Beneath me, it turned yellow. It developed swellings. Rough, diseased patches appeared on it. Its odor changed, became foul. Parts of it sloughed off. Sometimes it developed deep, open sores.
And all that I did to Lo, I also did to myself. But it was Lo that I felt guilty about. Lo was parent, sibling, home. It was the world I had been born into. As an ooloi, I would have to leave it when I mated. But woven into its genetic structure and my own was the unmistakable Lo kin group signature. I would have done anything to avoid giving Lo pain.
I got up from my platform as soon as I could and collected dead wood to sleep on.
Lo ate the wood. It was not intelligent enough to reason with?would not be for perhaps a hundred years. But it was self-aware. It knew what was part of it and what wasn?t. I was part of it?one of its many parts. It would not have me with it, yet so distant from it, separated by so much dead matter. It preferred whatever pain I gave it to the unnatural itch of apparent rejection.
So I went on giving it pain until I was completely recovered. By then, I knew as well as anyone else that I had to go. The people still wanted me to go to Chkahichdahk because the ship was a much older, more resistant organism. It was as able as most ooloi to protect and heal itself. Lo would be that resistant someday, but not for more than a century. And on the ship, I could be watched by many more mature ooloi.
Or I could go into exile here on Earth?before I did more harm to Lo or to someone in Lo. Those were my only choices. Through Lo, Nikanj had kept a check on the air of my room. It had seen that I did not change the microorganisms I came into contact with. And outside, insects avoided me as they avoided all Oankali and constructs. The people would permit me Earth exile, then.
?With no real discussion, we prepared to go. My Human parents made packs for themselves, wrapping Lo cloth hammocks around prewar books, tools, extra clothing, and food from Lilith?s garden?food grown in the soil of Earth, not from the substance of Lo. Both Lilith and Tino knew that their Oankali mates would provide for all their physical needs, yet they could not easily accept being totally dependent. This was a characteristic of adult Humans that the Oankali never understood. The Oankali simply accepted it as best they could and were pleased to see that we constructs understood.
I went to my Human mother and watched her assemble her pack. I did not touch her?had not touched any Human since my metamorphosis ended. As a reminder of my unstable condition, I had developed a rough, crusty growth on my right hand. I had deliberately reabsorbed it twice, but each night it grew again. I saw Lilith staring at it.
?It will heal,? I told her. ?Nikanj will help me with it.?
?Does it hurt?? she asked.
?No. It just feels
wrong. Like a weight tied there where it shouldn?t be.?
?Why is it wrong??
I looked at the growth. It was red and broken in places, crusty with distorted flesh and dried blood. It always seemed to be bleeding a little. ?I caused it,? I said, ?but I don?t understand how I did it. I fixed a couple of obvious problems, but the growth keeps coming back.?
?How are you otherwise??
?Well, I think. And once Ooan shows me how to take care of this growth, I?ll remember.?
I think my scent was beginning to bother. She stepped away, but looked at me as though she wanted to touch me. ?How can I help you?? she asked.
?Make a pack for me.?
She looked surprised. ?What shall I put in it??
I hesitated, afraid my answer would hurt her. But I wanted the pack, and only she could put it together as I wished. ?I may not live here again,? I said.
