to be complete??
?You?ll be able to change yourself. What we can do from one generation to the next?changing our form, reverting to earlier forms or combinations of forms?you?ll be able to do within yourself. Superficially, you may even be able to create new forms, new shells for camouflage. That?s what we intended.?
?If I can change my shape
? I focused narrowly on Nikanj. ?Could I become male??
Nikanj hesitated. ?Do you still want to be male??
Had I ever wanted to be male? I had just assumed I was male, and would have no choice in the matter. ?The people wouldn?t be as hard on you if I were male.?
It said nothing.
?They haven?t accepted me yet,? I argued. ?They could go on rejecting me until the family had to leave Lo?all because of me.?
It continued to focus on me silently. There were times when I envied Humans their ability to shut off their sight by closing their eyes, shut off their understanding by some conscious act of denial that was beyond me.
I closed my throat, then drew and released a noisy, Human breath by mouth. It wasn?t necessary now when I wasn?t talking, but it filled time.
?I have too many feelings,? I said. ?I want to be your same-sex child, but I don?t want to cause the family trouble.?
?What do you want for yourself??
Now I could not speak. I would hurt it, no matter what I said.
?Oeka, I must know what you want, what you feel, and for your own sake, you must tell me. It will be better for you if the people only see you through me until your metamorphosis is complete.?
It was right. The thought of a lot of other people interfering with me now was frightening, terrifying. I hadn?t known it would be, but it was. ?I wouldn?t want to give up being what I am,? I said. ?I
I want to be ooloi. I really want it. And I wish I didn?t. How can I want to cause the family so much trouble??
?You want to be what you are. That?s healthy and right for you. What we do about it is our decision, our responsibility. Not yours.?
I might not have believed this if a Human had said it. Humans said one thing with their bodies and another with their mouths and everyone had to spend time and energy figuring out what they really meant. And once we did understand them, the Humans got angry and acted as though we had stolen thoughts from their minds.
Nikanj, on the other hand, meant what it said. Its body and its mouth said the same things. It believed that I should want to be what I was. But
?Ooan, could I change if I wanted to??
It smoothed its head and body tentacles flat against its skin, accepting my curiosity with amusement. ?Not now. But when you?re mature, you?ll be able to cause yourself to look male. You wouldn?t be satisfied with a male sexual role, though, and you wouldn?t be able to make a male contribution to reproduction.?
I tried to move, tried to reach toward it, but I was still too weak. Talking was exhausting, most other movement was impossible. My head tentacles swept toward it.
It moved closer and let me touch it, let me examine its flesh so that I could begin to understand the difference between its flesh and my own. I would be the most extreme version of a construct?not just a mix of Human and Oankali characteristics, but able to use my body in ways that neither Human nor Oankali could. Synergy.
I studied a single cell of Nikanj?s arm, comparing it with cells of my own. Apart from my Human admixture, the main difference seemed to be that certain genes of mine had activated and caused my metamorphosis. I wondered what might happen if these genes activated in Nikanj. It was mature. Were there other changes it might undergo?
?Stop,? Nikanj said quietly. It signaled silently and spoke aloud. Its silent signal felt urgent. What was I doing?
?Look what you?ve done.? Now it spoke only silently.
I reexamined the cell I had touched and realized that somehow I had located and activated the genes I had been curious about. These genes were trying to activate others of their kind in other cells, trying to cause Nikanj?s body to begin the secretion of inappropriate hormones that would cause inappropriate growth.
What would grow?
?Nothing would grow in me,? Nikanj said, and I realized it had perceived my curiosity. ?The cell will die. You see??
The cell died as I watched.
?I could have kept it alive,? Nikanj said. ?By a conscious act, I could have prevented my body from rejecting it. Without you, though, I could not have activated the dormant genes. My body rejects that kind of behavior as
deeply self-destructive.?
?But it didn?t seem wrong or dangerous,? I said. ?It just felt
out of place.?
?Out of place, out of its time. In a Human, that could be enough to kill.?
I couldn?t think of anything to say. My curiosity burned away in fear.
?When you touch them, never withdraw without checking to see whether you?ve done harm.?
