no!'
'Why are you here?' he cried, tears streaming down his face. He wore no coat and shook with the cold. The wet snow matted his hair down and made his features stand out sharply, like a living skeleton. 'Why am I able to spare you none of this? You weren't meant to see this!'
'Stop it, Thiel. What are you doing? Thiel! I didn't mean what I said! I forgive you!'
He backed away, crossing the width of the bridge as she followed with her sword, until his back was to the opposite parapet. 'You cannot forgive me,' he said. 'There is no forgiveness for what I've done. You've read his words, haven't you? You know what he made us do, don't you?'
'He made you heal them, so that he could keep hurting them,' she said. 'He made you watch him as he cut them and raped them. It wasn't your fault, Thiel!'
'No,' he said, his eyes growing wide. 'No, he's the one who watched. We're the ones who cut them and raped them. Children!' he cried. 'Little girls! I see their faces!'
Bitterblue was paralyzed with dizziness. 'What?' she said, understanding, all at once, the final truth. 'Thiel! Leck made you do the hurting?'
'I was his favorite,' Thiel said, frantic. 'I was his number one. I felt the pleasure when he told me to. I feel it when I see their faces!'
'Thiel,' she said, 'he forced you. You were his tool!'
'I was a coward,' he cried out desperately, against the wind. 'A coward!'
'But it wasn't your fault! Thiel. He stole who you were!'
'I killed Runnemood—you see that, don't you? I pushed him off this bridge to stop him hurting you. I've killed so many. I've tried to make the memory end, I've needed it to go away, but all of it only gets bigger and more impossible to control. I never meant it to grow so big. I never meant to tell so many lies. It was supposed to end. It never ends!'
'Thiel,' she said, 'there is nothing that cannot be forgiven!'
'No,' he said, shaking his head, shaking the tears from his face. 'I've tried, Lady Queen. I've tried, and it won't heal.'
'Thiel,' she said, sobbing now. 'Please. Let me help you. Please, please, come away from the edge.'
'You're strong,' he said. 'You will make things better; you're a true queen, like your mother. I stood here while your mother burned. When he lit her body up on Monster Bridge, I stood right here and watched. I was there to honor her passing. It's right that no one will honor mine,' he said, turning around toward the parapet.
'No,' she said. 'No, Thiel!' she cried, grabbing at him, dropping her useless sword, willing some part of her, some extension of her spirit or soul to reach out from inside her and entwine him, stop him, hold him on this bridge. Hold him here safe with her love.
Prying her fingers away, he pushed her so hard that she fell to the ground. 'Be safe, Bitterblue. Be free of this,' he said to her. Then he grabbed the parapet, hoisted himself onto it, and fell over the edge.
39
SHE LAY FAR above rushing water.
Maybe he had pretended. Maybe he'd walked away while her eyes were closed, changed his mind, gone back home.
No. He hadn't pretended. Her eyes had never closed. She had seen.
IT WAS NECESSARY that she no longer be on this bridge. Of that, she was fairly certain. But she couldn't walk, because the bridge was too high in the air for walking on. What if she stayed here? What if she clung to a memory of a cold mountain, of Katsa's body giving her heat, of Katsa's arms holding her safe to the earth?
Crawl, she could crawl. There was no shame in crawling when one couldn't walk. Someone had said that to her once. Someone—
'Hey.'
The voice from above was familiar.
'Hey, what are you doing? Are you hurt?'
The person attached to the voice was touching her with his hands, brushing off an accumulation of snow. 'Hey, can you get up?'
She shook her head.
'Can you talk? Is it the heights, Sparks?'
Yes. No. She shook her head.
'You're scaring me,' he said. 'How long have you been out here? I'm picking you up.'
'No,' she managed, because being picked up was too high.
'Why don't you tell me what four hundred seventy-six times four hundred seventy-seven is, all right?'
Saf gathered her up, gathered her sword too, and carried her to the drawbridge tower while she clung to him, and tried to work that one out.
INSIDE, IT WAS warm. There were braziers. When he lowered her to a chair, she held on to one of his arms and wouldn't let him go.
'Sparks,' he said, on his knees before her, taking off her gloves and hat, feeling her hands and face, 'this is not cold sickness, and I get the feeling that it's more than your fear of heights. Last time you were afraid of heights, you had a tongue to curse me with.'
Bitterblue was holding his arm so hard that she thought her fingers would break. And then he put his other arm around her and pulled her into a hug. She transferred all her clinging pressure to his torso, hugging him back. Shaking. 'Tell me what's wrong,' he said.
She tried. She really did. She couldn't.
'Whisper it in my ear,' he said.
His ear was warm on her nose. The gold stud in his earlobe was hard and comforting on her lip. Three words. It would only take three words and then he would understand. 'Thiel,' she whispered. 'Jumped off.'
This was met with stillness, then an exhalation, then a tightening of his arms. Then moving, lifting, resettling, until he was in the chair, holding her in his lap, holding her tight while she shook.
SHE WOKE TO him settling her onto blankets on the floor. 'Stay with me,' she said. 'Don't go.'
He lay beside her and wrapped his arms around her. She slept.
SHE WOKE AGAIN to low voices. Gentle hands. People leaning over her in snow-covered coats. 'She'll be all right,' said Raffin.
Saf's voice said something about the snow. 'Maybe you should stay here,' he said.
Po's voice said something about horses, about it being too dangerous to draw attention. Po's voice! Po was holding her, kissing her face. 'Keep her safe,' he said. 'I'll wait for her at the bottom of the bridge when the storm is over.'
Then she was alone with Saf again. 'Po?' she said, turning in confusion.
'He was here,' Saf replied.
'Saf,' she said, finding his face in the dimness. 'Do you forgive me?'
'Shh,' said Saf, stroking her hair, her falling-out braids. 'Yes, Lady Queen. I forgave you some time ago.'
'Why are you crying?'
'A lot of reasons,' he said.
She wiped the tears from Saf's face. She fell asleep.
SHE WOKE FROM a nightmare of falling. Ashen, herself, bones, everyone, everything, falling. She woke crying out and thrashing and was astonished, then devastated, to find Saf there holding her, comforting her, for this time she was truly awake, and with Saf, all the other truths of the waking world rushed back. And so she clung to him to push them away, pressed herself against him. She felt the length of his body against hers; she felt his hands. She heard his whispers, let him fill her ears and her skin. She kissed him. When he responded to her kisses, she
