Baxter Clare
L.A. Franco 5 - End of Watch
CHAPTER 1
Wednesday, 5 Jan 05— home
All right. Here goes. Mary says I should write, that writing will keep me honest, so here I am. She said, don't think, just write. Ten minutes a day. I’ve got my timer set. Nine minutes and twenty-one seconds left.
Christ, where to start? WWJD? What would Julie (Andrews) do? Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
Let's start with Mary since this is her brilliant idea.
I bitch, but she's a gem. Knocked on my door at six thirty the morning after I tried to eat my gun. Took one look at me and said, 'Kid, you look like you've been eating rat poison and sleeping under rocks.'
Which was exactly how I felt. I liked her right away. No bullshit. She's from Brooklyn. Left her husband with two little boys and ran to California, just like I did. Minus husband and kids, of course.
She was a terrible drunk. Now she looks like somebody's sweet old granny but evidently she did everything short of murder before she sobered up. She's a retired dispatch operator from the sheriffs department. I can tell her things I couldn't tell a civilian—from the baby drowned in a bucket last week, to fucking up with Gail, all the drinking on the job. The blackouts. Eating my gun. No secrets. That's the deal. Got to tell your sponsor everything. She just nods and keeps knitting. She's fucking shockproof. She's kept me sober this far—sixty-one days—so I may as well keep doing what she tells me. Beats a bullet for dinner.
Six minutes left.
Got Stan Getz on. Moved the CD into the living room. Too many memories in the den. Easier to be out here. I’ve been going through new CDs like I used to go through Scotch. Hard to listen to the old ones. They remind me too much of wine, or Scotch, or beer, or ad nauseum . . . a drink for every song.
So Tm making new memories, sober ones, ones I can remember in the morning. Tm loving Getz's West Coast Sessions. He was a junkie. Amazing how many musicians were junkies or drunks—it either killed 'em or they kicked it. No half measures. Getz kicked it. Died sober. Good deal. One day at a time, right?
Which reminds me. Tm going to New York this weekend. Mary thinks it's too early, that Tm too vulnerable in my fledgling sobriety, but Tm afraid if I don't do this now I never will. Been putting it off a long time and I need to make peace with it. It's only a weekend. I’ll be back on Monday.
Jesus. Gail just called. She got my letter. Wants to come by. She's going out of town tomorrow and wants to talk before she leaves. She sounds pissed. What could have pissed her off? This is what I wrote (I spent so much time on it I know it by heart):
Gail—
I’ll keep this short—I know you're busy and probably don't want to hear much from me. I knew when I walked out on you that Td made the wrong choice but wrong as it was, it was the only option I could see at the time. And I pursued that option as hard as I could until I was an ounce of trigger pressure away from ending up on one of your gurneys. I got some help and have been sober a while. My head's clearing and Tm seeing the messes I made.
The worst is what I did to us. For whatever it's worth, Tm sorry. That doesn't change anything. It doesn't make it all better. It's just the truth. I was wrong—dead wrong —to walk out on you and I have to live with that. I hope it hurts me more than it hurts you, but when I see you at the morgue you look miserable. I hate what I’ve done to you and Td do anything to take it back but I can't. Please know it wasn't about you, Gail. It was never about anything you did or didn't do— one of the things they say in AA is 'no human power could have relieved us of our alcoholism.' All our love combined couldn't have kept me from reaching for the bottle instead of you. I wish I could take that night back, but I can't. At least please know I loved you then and I love you now.
Always—F.
What's offensive about that? I can't see it. Oh, well. I guess she's going to let me know. Wonder if I should change clothes. Got my old academy sweats on. They're pretty gnarly. Shit. I wonder what she wants. I swear, it's easier taking down a rock house than waiting for my ex to knock on the door.
A drink sure would be nice. A couple drinks. Oh well. Not an option. Just gotta tough it out. Okay, okay. Ten minutes is up. Tm going to change my clothes. Later.
CHAPTER 2
The doorbell rang and Frank took a deep breath. She held it a second before opening the door. She thought she was ready but seeing the doc made her guts and her knees go quivery. Gail looked tired and pale, grim even, but to Frank she was still beautiful. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed in a giant fist and she wondered vaguely if that was what a heart attack felt like.
'Hi. Come in.'
Gail stepped past Frank without looking at her.
'You coming from work?'
'Yes.'
'Are you hungry? I can make you something. A sandwich? Soup?' '
'No.' Gail faced her. 'I'm not staying that long.'
'Okay.' Frank motioned toward the couch. 'Staying long enough to sit?'
Gail swept back her bangs with her knuckles and Frank followed her into the living room. Gail primly took one end of the long couch and Frank took the other. She waited for Gail to speak. The doc just stared, until her obvious frustration made her blurt, 'Why did you send that letter? What could you have possibly been thinking?'
Frank was surprised. She thought the letter was plain, but she explained, 'To apologize. You were right, I was wrong. I guess I didn't make that clear.'
Gail snorted her disbelief. 'I don't hear from you, except for an occasional nod and a 'hey' at work, for nigh on six months and then this letter drops out of the blue. And you're terribly sorry and contrite and sober, and just what the hell am I supposed to do with all that? Forgive you? Everything's fine now because you're sorry? Is that what you thought would happen? That everything would be dandy, that all would be forgiven if you just dropped me a little note? That I'd forget you left me for a bottle of Scotch?'
Gail's vitriol was another surprise, but a good one. Frank reasoned that she'd only be this angry if she still cared a lot. So Frank proceeded on tiptoe through the minefield of her reply. 'No. I don't expect anything like that. I just felt the least I could do was apologize. You deserve that. You deserve a whole lot more and I hope you find it with someone who can be better to you than I was. I don't expect you to take me back. I don't even expect you to like me very much. I guess I just need to accept responsibility for what I did. I fucked us up in a big way. It doesn't change anything. I just wanted you to have the satisfaction of knowing it was all my doing. In case you had any doubt, which it sounds like you don't.'
Gail retorted, 'You're damn right I don't,' but her wrath was cooling.
Frank continued her mollifying. 'I'm sorry I upset you. That wasn't my intention. If you want to stay angry, that's fine. You have every right to. I can't change that, and if you want I'll never bother you again. I'm just trying to extend an olive branch. We still work together and I'd like to make that as peaceful as possible. If we can't get to peaceful'—she shrugged—'that's the way it is. I don't know what else to say. Tell me to leave you alone, never talk to you again, and I will.'
