Still Waters

'Not difficult,' Zack said woodenly, and closed his eyes. 'Impossible.'

'Zachary, that doesn't sound like you. I know how you feel-'

'You don't understand.' He stared fiercely at her, then cast his gaze upward toward the skylight over her bed. 'That guy wouldn't sign Theresa over to me in a million years. Hell, he'd probably punch my lights out if I showed up at his front door!'

'Oh, surely that's an exaggeration! Even if he knows who-'

'He knows,' Zack said, laughing darkly. 'Believe me, he knows who nailed him. Remember my fat lip? The one I had the day of the court hearing?'

Maddy gave a small, shocked gasp. 'He hit you? Theresa's uncle?'

'Why does that surprise you? Maddy, the man hits people!'

'All right, then, he's probably gotten it out of his system. He was bound to be upset, especially that day-'

'Uh-uh,' Zack said, looking both grim and rueful.

Maddy said with foreboding, 'Uh-oh.'

He nodded. 'I'm not very good at turning the other cheek. I… uh, left him sitting in the courthouse fountain.'

Maddy clapped her hand over her mouth, stifling a giggle. She knew it wasn't funny. 'Oh, Zack,' she whispered, and pressed her cheek to his.

'Maddy…' Anguish made his voice raw. His arms came around her so tightly, it hurt, and he pulled her over to lie on top of him. 'I can't stand the thought of losing her. I can't…'

She held him as tightly as he held her, feeling the tension of grief tumble through him, trying to absorb his pain into her own body, feeling so terribly helpless.

'Zack,' she whispered brokenly after a time, 'I just wish there were something I could do to help you.'

'Maddy…' Her name was a sigh. His hands stroked her hair, then her back. 'You do help me, just being here.' He went very still for a moment, then suddenly took her face between his hands and raised it so he could look into her eyes. His own eyes were very dark, very intense. Maddy's heart began, inexplicably, to pound. 'Maddy, there is something you can do. You can marry me.'

Zack knew the minute he said it, he'd made a mistake. He felt her body jerk, as if he'd struck her.

Timing, he thought. I have rotten timing.

He knew exactly how it had sounded to her, and what she was thinking. He couldn't even try to make it right without making it worse. If he tried to tell her now that he loved her, it would only sound, at best, like an afterthought, or a rationalization. At worst, it would sound like an out-and-out lie.

So he just went on stroking her hair and back, and repeated it. 'Marry me, Maddy.' This time he added, 'I need you.' That, at least, he was pretty sure she'd believe.

It seemed crazy to him to lie here like this with her every curve and hollow meshing intimately with his, and realize that he'd never told her he loved her. He wasn't sure why he hadn't told her. He'd known it himself, for an absolute certainty, since that morning when she'd burst from the water like Neptune 's daughter, radiant with joy and triumph.

Part of it was pure cowardice. He didn't know for sure how she felt about him, and wasn't quite up to exposing his own fragile ego to the possibility- however remote-of rejection. He knew she cared for him-she'd never have gone to bed with him otherwise-and there was no denying the physical chemistry between them. Even now, with all that he had on his mind, the sweet weight of her body on his was having a predictable effect.

But Maddy was so darned… susceptible! She was so compassionate, a sucker for anybody or anything in pain. Look at the way she'd had to insulate herself inside those puppets of hers in order to deal with battered kids. Look at the way she'd gone off the deep end for the first one of those kids to slip in under her guard!

Well, he'd slipped in under her guard, too, using her own fear and vulnerability, and even her compassion, against her. And now he didn't know whether she loved him, or whether she was only responding to his need for her.

It hadn't bothered him, until now. Until now, he'd told himself that, either way, it was enough.

Right now, that thought made him feel bleak and lonely.

She stirred against him. 'Do you think it would help?' she asked. Her voice sounded muffled.

The tension inside him bubbled up and escaped in a short, harsh laugh. 'Couldn't hurt!'

'What happens,' she said slowly, obviously choosing her words carefully, 'if they still won't let you have her?'

For a moment his mind went blank, and he thought, Let me have whom? All his concentration right now was focused on Maddy. With or without Theresa, he knew he wanted her.

'We'll cross that bridge when we come to it,' he said.

Of course, he mused, she would think that if he lost Theresa, he'd need her more than ever. Maddy, he said silently, I love you too much. Don't say yes for the wrong reasons.'

Again she stirred in his arms, and lifted her head to look down at him. Her mouth seemed very soft. He saw it quiver slightly before it formed a smile.

'All right, Zachary,' she whispered. 'I'll marry you.'

He stared at her for a long time, his hands framing her face. She moved slightly-a subtle insinuation that sent responses jolting through him. Forgive me, he thought, and brought her mouth down to his.

'You're what?' Jody screamed at Maddy over the telephone, causing Maddy to wince and pull the receiver away from her ear. 'You're getting-I don't believe it! To whom? Or whom to? Zack. It has to be. I knew it, I just knew there was something going on between the two of you when I saw the way you looked at each other at the party! And here I thought I was planning this big, wonderful surprise! I'll never forgive you for that, Amanda. I felt like such a fool. Hey- congratulations!'

'Thank you,' Maddy said, gazing blankly at Bosley's nose. She had picked up the puppet when she sat down to dial the telephone-an automatic reflex.

There was a pause. 'Thank you?' Jody repeated. 'Thank you? Is that all you have to say? You call me to tell me you're getting married-out of the clear blue, mind you-to San Ramon's-maybe the world's-most eligible hunk, and then you sit there and murmur demurely, 'Thank you'? Come on, Maddy. Let's have a few details. Just basics. Like when, for starters.'

'We haven't set an exact date,' Maddy murmured, frowning at Bosley. 'But soon.'

'Soon. You do realize, I hope, that when this gets out it's going to be a media event?'

'With any luck, and a little discretion on the part of certain friends,' Maddy said warningly, 'it won't get out. It's going to be a very small affair.'

'How small? San Ramon United Methodist, as opposed to Saint Patrick's Cathedral?'

'Justice of the peace,' Maddy said, bracing for the explosion. 'Two witnesses. That's why I'm calling. I'd like you to be mine.'

There was an ominous silence on the other end of the line. And then an uncharacteristically quiet, 'Maddy? What's wrong?'

'Nothing's wrong.' Maddy stuck her tongue out at Bosley and dumped the stupid puppet onto its pink felt head. 'We just… don't want a big fuss, that's all.'

'Amanda, I may be loud, but I'm not deaf. I can hear your voice perfectly, and you don't sound happy to me. Certainly not like somebody who's about to marry the man of her-and anyone else's-dreams. Now, what's the matter? Oh, my God, are you pregnant? Are you trying to tell me you guys have to get married? Oh, for heaven's sake, it couldn't be. Nobody does that anymore, do they?'

Maddy was laughing, but the laughter hurt her chest. Well, actually, Jody, yes, we do have to get married. The baby just happens to be six years old.

'No, Jody, it's nothing like that. It's just… well, you know Zack's background. We don't want the media to get hold of it and drag up all the tragedy. You understand, don't you?'

'Sure,' Jody said. 'I understand. And I understand that there's something here you're not telling me.'

'Jody…' Maddy sighed. She could hear the hurt in Jody's voice. But though Jody was her best friend and she