He stopped speaking, fists clenched, and took a deep breath. “I would never risk someone as important as the Scion in the field.” He spit the words. “I understand what’s at stake.”
I forced my temper down, swallowing its bitterness. I knew he was speaking the truth. “Fine. I believe you. You can come.”
Ren’s fists were still balled up; the veins in his forearms throbbed. I reached out, but he pulled away.
“Don’t.” He didn’t meet my eyes.
It felt like he’d punched me in the gut, and part of me wished he had. I’d rather fight with Ren than see this loss written on his face.
“Ren,” I whispered. “I’m glad you want to come. I need you tomorrow.”
He turned to look at me, and I caught a sudden flare in the darkness of his eyes. “Only tomorrow?”
I swallowed hard, not able to break from his gaze but not able to speak either.
One corner of his mouth twitched into a crooked smile. He reached up, placing his fingers under my jaw so lightly I could barely feel the touch.
“Thanks, Lily.” His fingers moved up over my chin to rest on my lips. His other hand took mine; it wasn’t until he was gazing at my fingers that I realized his thumb was circling the sapphire of the ring I wore. The ring he’d given me. “Good night.”
He turned and walked down the hall. I watched until he was out of sight, wondering where his room was and pretending I wasn’t wondering about where his room was. I leaned against my door, turning the knob, and let myself fall rather than walk into the room. These missions, this work of remaking the world, made for a weariness like nothing I’d felt before. It wasn’t just the physical strain, it was the weight of emotion that we shouldered on this path. And Shay shouldered the most weight of all. As I collapsed onto my bed, I wondered if he was okay. He’d been shuttered with Anika and Silas most of the day, reviewing the lore of the Elemental Cross. After that, he’d gone with Ethan, Connor, and Adne for more combat practice. He had one of the swords now, and they’d wasted no time getting him used to the new weapon.
Had he finished? Was he in his own room now, like me, staring up at a night sky so clouded that you couldn’t see any stars or even a hint of moonlight? A part of me wanted to go to him, to find him in his room like I had last night. Sleeping with his body curled next to mine offered a sense of comfort unlike any other, and lying in bed without him provoked an ache deep within me. I rolled out of bed, taking a few steps toward the door before growling my frustration and flinging myself back on the mattress. Twisting blankets around me like a cocoon, I dug my fingers into the coverlet. I couldn’t go to Shay now, no matter how magnetic his pull seemed. And he hadn’t come looking for me, which stung more than I wanted to admit.
My heart and mind were constantly chasing conflicting impulses. I didn’t want to seek out one or the other of the two alphas only to slink away from his bed the next morning. Last night with Shay had been selfish, and I couldn’t indulge those tendencies any longer. Especially since Ren had proven his value to the Searchers today. I hadn’t been lying to him-I needed him tomorrow. Beyond that… I couldn’t go there. Not yet.
I didn’t remember falling asleep, but I woke in a tangle of sheets that showed me how restless the night had been. Bleary-eyed and more than a little cranky, I decided the best solution was a long shower. The added possibility of an omelet overfilled with the abundance of the Searchers’ garden managed to perk me up a little.
Despite the trudge to the baths, the facilities were impressive. I stood under a wide spout that drenched me in warm water, the pressure not unlike a waterfall. Using the salt scrub I’d picked out-one of many washes and oils lined up in etched-crystal containers on slender teak shelves outside the showers-I scoured myself, trying to wash away lingering sleep. The scent of lavender and mint that infused the scrub helped; there were a variety of scents among the jars. All of which carried the freshness of flowers and herbs. Clearly the Academy gardens provided more than just food and medicinal creations for the Searchers. Bryn must have been overjoyed by this bounty-I was surprised she wasn’t in the baths all day.
Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my body and headed back toward the room where I’d stowed my clothes. When I stepped out of the thick steam into the open space between the baths and the changing rooms, I froze. For a moment I wondered if I was dreaming, but the water dripping from my hair onto my shoulders and collarbone told me I wasn’t.
“Hey.” My heart leapt into my throat. Ren was standing in front of me, his chest bare. He finished securing a towel low around his hips, and a pile of clothes lay folded on a chair next to him. He glanced back at the door to the baths. “Did I… uh… is this a girls’ bathroom? I was here yesterday and I didn’t see… uh…”
“There are separate dressing rooms over there.” I laughed despite the awkwardness. “I think the Searchers just share the showers.”
“How progressive of them.” Ren grinned. His eyes slid over my water-slick limbs. “You look squeaky clean, Lily.”
“Yeah.” I inched toward the dressing room door. Unfortunately that meant getting closer to Ren. I could smell the warmth of his skin, the spicy scent of his sweat mixing with the lavender-tinged oil that lingered on my skin. “I’ll get out of your way.”
“You could stay.” He caught my arm, turning me toward him. His smile curved wickedly. “Wash my back.”
I was having a hard enough time not staring at Ren’s front. Meeting his eyes didn’t make it any easier. “You know I can’t.”
“Do I?” he said, pulling me closer. “Because I’m pretty sure I don’t know that.”
“Stop.” I didn’t trust myself. There was far too much steam rising from the thermal pools and far too little fabric covering our bodies.
He released me with a sigh. The devilish smile vanished, leaving his features drawn.
“I don’t blame you for doing it,” he said, though he dropped his head back to lean against the wall, staring at the ceiling instead of looking at me. “I deserve it. After what I did to you.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“For choosing him… I don’t blame you.”
“I didn’t choose him,” I said, backing toward the dressing room door. “I told you both, I’m not making a choice while we’re at war.”
He looked straight at me, and it was like an arrow in my chest. “That’s not what I meant.”
Despite the heat of the room, my skin prickled with goose bumps. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t blame you for choosing him to be your first.” He sounded more sad than angry.
My limbs were trembling. I didn’t speak, but he pulled a question out of my gaze.
“Sabine told me.”
“She didn’t have the right-”
“You shouldn’t be mad at her,” he said, laughing darkly. “She chewed me out. Told me I’d lost you. That I was basically an arrogant moron and I deserved whatever I got. And that didn’t include you.”
I tore my gaze from him. “That’s not really about you. She’s been upset ever since-”
“Cosette,” he said. “I know. After she was done yelling at me, we ended up talking. She’s broken up about it. I can’t blame her. I wish Dax and Fey were here.”
“If it weren’t sad, it would be funny,” I said, leaning on the wall next to him.
“How’s that?”
“Fey and Dax were our strongest warriors,” I said. “But in the end they were too afraid to fight for themselves.”
Ren nodded.
“I didn’t sleep with Shay to get back at you.” I spoke so quietly I didn’t know if Ren had heard me. “I… he…”
When he didn’t answer for another minute, I was sure he hadn’t. But then he cleared his throat.
“I know you have feelings for him. That’s obvious,” he said. “But are you serious about not making a choice until the war ends?”
“I… yes.” I had to be. If I chose either Ren or Shay to be the alpha at my side, the other wolf would leave. It was the way of alphas. Once one of them won their place, the other would be exiled, unable to tolerate a subordinate position within the pack. I couldn’t afford for that to happen. It also chilled my blood to even think about either of them leaving.
“Then I need you to know something.” He suddenly turned to face me. His forearms rested against the wall on
