As I pushed to my feet and walked over to the closet, I heard the glass shower door open in the bathroom, then close. I caught the two knobs of the louvered walnut closet doors and pushed them apart.
There was a smal selection of men’s clothes hanging on the metal rod, some business shirts and slacks, as wel as khakis and jeans. My temperature dropped and a sick misery spread through my orgasmic high.
The right side dresser drawers held neatly folded Tshirts, boxer briefs, and socks. The top one on the left side held sex toys stil in their packages. I didn’t look at the drawers below that one. I’d seen enough.
I pul ed on my pants and stole one of Gideon’s shirts. As I dressed, my mind went through the steps I’d learned in therapy:
Maybe if I’d been less shaken by the depth of my feelings for Gideon, I could have done al that. Maybe if we hadn’t just had mind-blowing sex, I would have felt less raw and vulnerable. I’d never know. What I felt was slightly dirty, a little bit used, and a whole lot hurt. This particular revelation had hit me with excruciating force, and like a child, I wanted to hurt him back.
I scooped up the condoms, lube, and toys, and tossed them on the bed. Then, just as he cal ed out my name in an amused and teasing voice, I picked up my bag and left him.
I kept my head down as I made the walk of shame past the registration desk and exited the hotel through a side door. I was red-faced with embarrassment remembering the manager who’d greeted Gideon as we got on the elevator. I could only imagine what he’d thought of me. He had to know what Gideon reserved that room for. I couldn’t stand the thought of being the next in a line of many and yet that’s exactly what I’d been from the moment we entered the hotel.
How hard would it have been to stop by the front desk and secure a room that was ours alone?
I started walking with no direction or destination in mind. It was dark out now, the city taking on a whole new life and energy from what it had during the business day. Steaming food carts dotted the sidewalks, along with a vendor sel ing framed artwork, another hawking novelty T-shirts, and yet another who had two folding tables covered in movie and television episode scripts.
With every step I took, the adrenaline from my flight burned away. The maliciously gleeful thoughts of Gideon coming out of the bathroom to find an empty room and paraphernalia-strewn bed ran their course. I began to calm down…and seriously think about what had just happened.
Was it a coincidence that Gideon invited me to a gym that just so happened to be conveniently close to his fuck pad?
I remembered the conversation we’d had in his office over lunch and the way he’d struggled to express himself to keep me. He was as confused and torn about what was happening between us as I was, and I knew how easy it was to fal into established patterns.
After al , hadn’t I just fal en into one of my own by bailing? I’d spent enough years in therapy to know better than to wound and run when I was hurting.
Heartsick, I stepped into an Italian bistro and took a table. I ordered a glass of shiraz and a pizza margherita, hoping wine and food would calm the vibrating anxiety inside me so that I could think properly.
When the waiter returned with my wine, I gulped down half the glass without real y tasting it. I missed Gideon already, missed the playful happy mood he’d been in when I left. His scent was al over me—the smel of his skin and hot, grinding sex. My eyes stung and I let a few tears slide down my face, despite being in a very public, very busy restaurant. My food came and I picked at it. It tasted like cardboard, although I doubted that had anything to do with the chef or the venue.
Pul ing over the chair where I’d set my bag, I dug out my new smartphone with the intention of leaving a message with Dr. Travis’s answering service. He’d suggested we have video chat appointments until I found a new therapist in New York and I decided to take him up on that offer. That’s when I noticed the twenty-one missed cal s from Gideon and a text;
me. Talk to me. Pls.
The tears wel ed again. I held the phone to my heart, at a loss for what to do. I couldn’t get the images of Gideon and other women out of my mind. I couldn’t stop picturing him fucking the hel out of another woman on that same bed, using toys on her, driving her crazy, taking his pleasure from her body…
It was irrational and pointless to think of such things, and it made me feel petty and smal and physical y sick.
I startled when the phone vibrated against me, nearly dropping it. Nursing my misery, I debating letting it go to voice mail because I could see on the screen that it was Gideon—plus he was the only one who had the number—but I couldn’t ignore it, because he was clearly frantic. As much as I’d wanted to wound him earlier, I couldn’t stand to do it now.
“Hel o.” My voice didn’t sound like mine, clogged as it was with tears and emotion.
“Eva! Thank God.” Gideon sounded so anxious.
“Where are you?”
Looking around, I didn’t see anything that would tel me the name of the restaurant. “I don’t know. I…I’m sorry, Gideon.”
“No, Eva. Don’t. It’s my fault. I need to find you. Can you describe where you’re at? Did you walk?”
“Yes. I walked.”
“I know which exit you took. Which way did you head?” He was breathing quickly and I could hear the sounds of traffic and car horns in the background.
“To the left.”
“Did you turn any corners after that?”
