Micah was a wreck and he dropped down in a nearby chair as the doctor cleaned off the jelly and then helped me sit up.
“All looks fine and-”
“Dr. Cray, what about-about having sex?”
Micah’s head shot up as he looked at me, “No, I don’t think you’re allowed.”
Dr. Cray laughed, “I don’t get
“No,” Micah interjected. “Never again.”
That earned him another scowl from the doctor, “As I was saying, yes you can. And a lot of women find that it is the most heightened sexual time of their lives because all the senses are extra receptive during pregnancy.”
“Thank you,” I said, swallowing hard and shaking his hand.
I had never seen anything affect Micah so desperately. I got the opposite reaction on the drive back to the cottage as he stared out the Jeep, head turned hard right as the scenery passed by. I pulled up to the cottage and got out, but he just sat there.
“Come on,” I coaxed as I closed my door, but still peering through the open driver’s window. “Micah?”
“I don’t deserve this,” he stated. “I don’t deserve you. You should hate me for what I did, and I don’t know if I can handle forgiveness. I can’t see how this could be anything that God purposed.”
I leaned in the door frame, resting my head on my forearms as the brilliant California sunshine warmed my back. “Micah…” I waited for him to look at me. When he turned, I began. “Do you remember the few days we had together, and the conversation about getting me pregnant?”
“Of course I do, but-”
“Do you think that four months after telling me you wanted to wait, you would have changed your mind? I know I wouldn’t have.”
“You don’t want to be pregnant, do you?” he sadly questioned.
“I was okay with letting it happen during those first few times, but I knew it would only be if God planned it.” I reached inside the Jeep and grabbed on to his hand, but he looked away. “When I ran away and my period started a week later, I was crushed. I wanted to be carrying your baby so badly because if I couldn’t have you, at least I would have had a part of you.” I gave his hand a tug to get him to look at me. “I had no clue God had the day of conception already planned-not in a way that either one of us wanted, but it’s all a matter of timing. Don’t you understand? This baby wouldn’t exist if all this didn’t happen.”
He swallowed as he looked at me with anguished filled eyes, “But-I-hurt-you,” he paused on every word to make his point.
“Yeah, you did, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But as bad as that was physically, it didn’t even come close to the pain of leaving you. Come inside, Micah. We don’t have a lot of time together and-”
The expression changed quickly from sorrow to disbelief, “D’Angelo isn’t going to keep us apart.”
“He said if he finds out that we’re back together your family won’t last twenty-four hours. I’m not going to let that happen.”
“I’m going to kill him,” The words were ice cold as a flicker of blankness appeared in his eyes.
“No! You can’t go after him. I may not know much about how the mob works, but I know he’s your superior and you can’t touch him.”
“He’s used me since I was fourteen to do his dirty work-and I don’t mean things that were contracted. When he forced you into this, he stepped over the line and I am going to take his life in payment.”
“I want to ask you something, Micah, but, to tell you the truth, I’ve got to get inside because I still feel a little sick to…” He was out of the Jeep before I could finish the sentence.
I opened the bedroom windows and let the ocean breeze flow into the room and then lay down on the thick comforter, making room for him beside me. He hesitated and then finally joined me.
“D’Angelo told me something that day that’s bothered me ever since and I want to know if it’s true.”
“I’m sure it has something to do with all the people I’ve killed. I was hoping we’d never get into this, but,” he seemed to be steeling himself for my question, “go ahead.”
“Not everyone, just the first one.” I watched his reaction and knew this was the question he was honestly dreading, “Was it a woman? A woman you slept with?”
“I was fourteen, Leese,” he didn’t sound like he was offering it as an excuse, but just a sad beginning to a story I knew I’d regret hearing. “My dad determined I was ready to be a soldier for the mob, but D’Angelo was the one who told me I would be different. I should have paid with my life for what he had me do, but we have kept his private work secret from the rest of the family. Believe it or not, the mob values honesty at the highest level. If a superior asks you a question, you’d better be telling the truth. He’s had me lying to superiors ever since he had me kill the mob boss’s wife.”
I knew this wasn’t good. If he had been breaking mob rules from the beginning and D’Angelo used it against him… I pulled my body up close to him because I’d begun to shiver in the cool air. He reached over me and pushed the closest window frame shut, to keep the breeze off me.
“D’Angelo told me she was a whore, an unfaithful woman that had wormed her way into a marriage to the head of the clan. He said she didn’t deserve a place of honor in the family, but he would give her a chance by testing her loyalty-with me.” His breathing was getting shallower and I knew he hated having to tell me this. “D’Angelo said she had a particular weakness for young boys, and, if it was true, and she tried to seduce me, I was to kill her. He said I’d be doing the Boss a favor, but we would never let him know we’d handled it for him.” He paused, then asked, “Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“Yes,” I shivered, realizing it hadn’t been the breeze that was shaking me inside.
“She’d decided to spend a few days in Gulfport gambling and sunning on the beach. It was my first outing as a member of the mob and my parents trusted D’Angelo-they thought I was taking care of a small time hood that had been skimming business and was on the run. They never knew what I was really doing.”
“So he took you to where this woman was and-and…”
“I met her out on the beach. I had no idea what to do with a woman. D’Angelo told me to go over and say hello, offer to help her in some way or just hang out near her. He was right, she did like young boys, but particularly well-built young boys and it wasn’t long before she had me wrapped around her finger. I spent an afternoon getting to know her; she was beautiful, twenty-one years old and eager to be the first woman I’d ever slept with. I’ll never forget her bringing me into her room. I wanted to have sex with her, but the whole time I kept telling myself if we crossed that line, I was supposed to kill her. I didn’t want to hurt her; she was fascinating to me.”
“He never should have put you in a position like that, Micah. You were too young and-”
“And too stupid,” he added. “She took me and I was freaked out by the emotions. I hadn’t learned control and, after the first time, she aroused me again, and I knew I had to finish the job. If I didn’t, I’d be a failure-most likely D’Angelo would have killed me and returned home and told my parents that the target got me first. I didn’t have a gun; he never told me what to do, so I simply turned animal. She seemed to like getting rough, until I got my hands around her throat.” His voice caught on the last words. “I killed her with my bare hands and I swore I’d rather shoot someone than to do that again. You know what she went through, Leese. I did the same thing to you when I raped you.” The tears were washing down his face. The pain was incredible and intense for him.
“But you didn’t kill me, Micah. If you’d been under better control, you’d-”
“I never would have hurt you, Leese, if I could have helped it.”
He rolled over and caressed my cheek and then buried his face into my neck as I stroked his hair and tried to quiet his anguish.
“Is that all, Micah?” I had to know if there was anything more to what D’Angelo had done to him. I could feel him shaking his head no, but he didn’t seem ready to talk so I simply held him and waited.
When he finally raised his head, he seemed composed and ready to finish telling me what happened. “He was very-very happy with the way I killed her and so, to celebrate, he bought me a whore for the night as a gift for doing what he wanted.”
“You were a child, a fourteen year-old child, and he bought you a hooker?” I couldn’t keep the ire out of my response.
“Yeah, and if he hadn’t been in the same room with me when I… I almost killed her, too. My sexual drive had been linked to murder and I couldn’t see how to separate the two. I eventually learned control, but women were
