Unforgivable

nothing to me. They were something to use and walk away from…until I met you.”

He rose up on his elbow to look down on me, seemingly wanting to touch me, but was hesitating, “You don’t know how different you are. You are so innocent, trusting and naive, like some kind of creature that never existed in my world. When I met you, I came so close to killing you because you actually frightened me, and that was a new experience. You told me I had to be a gentleman; that was new for me, too. I had control, but I never had that kind of restraint. I couldn’t even kiss you. And then when you made the kiss your final request, all I could think was that it would be like going back to the real me-passion and death all over again.”

“Then this is what I feel coming from you when I know you’re getting near the edge. You’re trying not to go back to what he trained into you.”

“You can honestly tell? I mean, you can feel me losing control?”

“I see it mostly, usually in your eyes first, but yes I can feel when it’s slipping away from you.”

“How do you feel right now?”

“Safe, Micah, but…”

The soft smile that had started at the corners of his mouth, quickly faded, “But what?”

“I want you to make love to me, but I’d be lying if I said there was no fear.”

“I won’t make love to you. I don’t deserve-”

“I deserve you, Micah Gavarreen. I didn’t marry the monster, I married the man. You aren’t the person he trained you to be and someday I pray you’ll see that because I know you don’t want to be the monster.”

“Leese, I annulled our marriage. I have no right to be in your bed.”

“You didn’t annul my vow and I didn’t break my…” A pain hit me hard and I knew he saw it in my face.

“What’s wrong, baby,” he whispered.

“Micah, it’s been eight months and I’m assuming you-you probably didn’t keep your…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I couldn’t make love to him if he’d been untrue, because I wouldn’t put the baby in danger from an experience he might have had.

“I didn’t sleep with anyone if that’s what you’re trying to ask me, Leese.”

I didn’t mean to seem so surprised, but I was.

“I don’t want you to think it was because I didn’t try. I don’t want to lie to you. Twice I hired someone to-to satisfy me, but each time I couldn’t. You don’t know how pissed off a hooker gets when she realizes that the man that bought her can’t get turned on by her. I was trying to go completely back to my old life, but I just couldn’t. I told you you’d ruin me for life for this-you’re the only one. Between the lack of sex and sleep, it doesn’t surprise me really that the steroids and amps put me over the edge so easily.”

“Sleep?” I said, cocking one eyebrow at him, “You couldn’t sleep?”

“I told you a long time ago, I can’t get comfortable without you in my bed. Why?”

“I couldn’t sleep either, I…” Maybe it was not the best idea to tell him how I finally solved the problem. “How did you manage it?” I changed the subject.

“It didn’t work quite as well as having you beside me, but I had a lock of your hair that I’d put on the pillow next to me. I’d close my eyes and rest my face against it. It was the only thing that kept me from total sleep deprived insanity.”

“Where did you get my hair?”

“The house you stayed at in north Georgia-you threw it in the trash. I loved your long hair and I can’t tell you how upset I was that you cut it. But, for the record, you’re a beautiful blonde, too. So,” he gave a weak smile, “how did you manage without me?”

I was hoping the cringe wasn’t totally obvious. “You won’t like mine,” I tried to say gently.

“Amytal-and you’re right, I didn’t like it.”

I blinked a couple times, “What’s Amytal?”

“Leese, please don’t lie.”

“Micah, I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

“Five hundred dollars and a stage hand; does that refresh your memory?”

“Is that what that was? I never knew the name and I only took one.”

“That’s a relief. I had him fired right after Cedric showed me the video. I was afraid you were going to get hooked. That’s pretty strong stuff.”

“Tell me about it. One pill and I didn’t wake for twenty-five hours.”

“Why would you do something so dangerous?”

I could tell he was trying not to sound too upset with me, but I was just glad I didn’t have to tell him about my real sleep-aid. I should have known better.

“If you only took one,” he continued, “and that was four months after you left, then how did you… Leese, I can see it written all over your face. You don’t want to tell me. Why?”

“Because you’d probably prefer dope.”

“What did you do?”

“Ryan-I mean, I didn’t ‘do’ Ryan-I mean he was the one who-he became your substitute,” I winced.

“You said you never slept with-”

“I said I never had sex with him, but I slept with him-a lot.” I could see the wheels turning in Micah’s head, so I figured I just keep explaining. “After those first several days and he realized I couldn’t stay asleep, no matter how exhausted I was, he asked how I slept before. I told him you would hold me with your arm around my waist and we’d stay like that all night. The first time we tried it was our last night in north Georgia and-”

“One bed,” he said suddenly sounding relieved instead of angry. “That’s why there was only one bed unmade in the house. Gwen and I thought-well, it seemed obvious that you’d been sleeping together-like sleeping together.”

I hadn’t considered the one bed visual we’d left behind. “You’re family must really hate me,” I whimpered.

“They aren’t going to hate you for long because we’re getting this whole thing straightened out.”

“NO! I told you I can’t take a chance of D’Angelo-”

“I won’t take any chances, but we will meet with them, even if it’s not in Louisiana. They’ve got to know the truth.” But his thoughts quickly returned to the previous conversation, “I am surprised you managed that with-with him. He didn’t try to change your mind?”

“Micah, he was a virgin, he didn’t even-”

Micah choked on my statement. He sat up tried to catch his breath. I rubbed his back as he gulping air, “You’ve got to be…” he swallowed another breath, “kidding.”

“No, I’m not. He has a girlfriend now, but at the time-”

“I can’t believe it. You must really love me because I would have thought, especially since you would have been his first, that it would have been a turn on for you. Did you ever kiss in bed?”

“Micah! Can’t you just leave it that he is my very best friend and that we didn’t have sex?”

“You kissed in bed, and didn’t have sex?” He sounded amazed. “It’s no wonder he beat the crap out of me. All the frustration of never having you and then I come along and-and take you. I’m surprised he didn’t kill me.” He could clearly see that I was flustered over his comment, but he added a disclaimer. “You realize I would have forgiven you if you had slept with him, right? The night of the party, all I wanted was you back in my arms, and I was certain you had already slept with him.”

“I wouldn’t have forgiven myself, Micah. I’m yours, forever.” Just as I finished saying what was supposed to be a romantic statement, my stomach growled loudly. I laughed, “Time to feed the baby; he doesn’t like it when I skip meals.”

“Stay put,” he stated, leaning over and kissing my forehead, “I’ll fix you something.”

I listened to his clatter in the kitchen, the scents and the sounds of breakfast as he prepared it. I was starving, but I rolled to my side and grabbed the pillow he’d used last night and I inhaled with all the power my lungs possessed. Oh, how I missed the smell of Micah Gavarreen.

I dozed off for a little while, but soon he was whispering my name as I rolled over and sat up. He had the breakfast tray prepared for two as he reached over with his free hand and propped the pillows against the headboard.

He scrambled eggs and added ham, fresh mushrooms, onions, and cheese to make an omelet. He filled two wine glasses with orange juice, and found the mammoth cinnamon rolls I bought at the market yesterday. It didn’t take long to finish everything off as we leaned together, shoulder to shoulder, and ate. The roll was the last to go.