The Grim Grotto

'That screen is nothing,' the captain said. 'It's just a piece of equipment, aye? There was a philosopher who said that all of life is just shadows. He said that people were just sitting in a cave, watching shadows on the cave wall. Aye – shadows of something much bigger and grander than themselves. Well, that sonar detector is like our cave wall, showing us the shape of things much more powerful and terrifying.'

'I don't understand,' Fiona said.

'I don't want you to understand,' the captain said, putting his arm around her. 'That's why I haven't told you why the sugar bowl is so very crucial. There are secrets in this world too terrible for young people to know, even as those secrets get closer and closer. Aye! In any case, I'm hungry. Aye! Shall we eat?' The captain rang his bell again, and the Baudelaires felt as if they had awoken from a deep sleep.

'I'll serve the chowder,' Phil said. 'Come on, Sunny, why don't you help me?'

'I'll turn the engines back on,' Fiona said, and began climbing the rope ladder. 'Violet, there's a drawer in the table full of silverware. Perhaps you and your brother could set the table.'

'Of course,' Violet said, but then frowned as she turned to her brother. The middle Baudelaire was staring at the tidal chart with a look of utter concentration. His eyes were so bright behind his glasses that they looked a bit like the glowing symbols on the sonar detector. 'Klaus?' she said.

Klaus didn't answer his sister, but turned his gaze from the chart to Captain Widdershins. 'I may not know why the sugar bowl's important,' he said, 'but I've just figured out where it is.'

Chapter Five

When you are invited to dine, particularly with people you do not know very well, it always helps to have a conversational opener, a phrase which here means 'an interesting sentence to say out loud in order to get people talking.' Although lately it has become more and more difficult to attend dinner parties without the evening ending in gunfire or tapioca, I keep a list of good and had conversational openers in my commonplace book in order to avoid awkward pauses at the dinner table. 'Who would like to see an assortment of photographs taken while I was on vacation?' for instance, is a very poor conversational opener, because it is likely to make your fellow diners shudder instead of talk, whereas good conversational openers are sentences such as 'What would drive a man to commit arson?', 'Why do so many stories of true love end in tragedy and despair?' and 'Madame diLustro, I believe I've discovered your true identity!', all of which are likely to provoke discussions, arguments, and accusations, thus making the dinner party much more entertaining.

When Klaus Baudelaire announced that he'd discovered the location of the sugar bowl, it was one of the best conversational openers in the history of dinner gatherings, because everyone aboard the Queequeg began talking at once, and dinner had not even been served.

'Aye?' Captain Widdershins shouted. 'You've figured out where the tide took it? Aye? But you just said you didn't know! Aye! You said you were confused by the tidal charts, and that oval marked 'G.G.'! Aye! And yet you've figured it out! Aye! You're a genius! Aye! You're a smarty-pants! Aye! You're a bookworm! Aye! You're brilliant! Aye! You're sensational! Aye! If you find me the sugar bowl, I'll allow you to marry Fiona!'

'Stepfather!' Fiona cried, blushing behind her triangular glasses.

'Don't worry,' the captain replied, 'we'll find a husband for Violet, too! Aye! Perhaps we'll find your long-lost brother, Fiona! He's much older, of course, and he's been missing for years, but if Klaus can locate the sugar bowl he could probably find him! Aye! He's a charming man, so you'd probably fall in love with him, Violet, and then we could have a double wedding! Aye! Right here in the Main Hall of the Queequeg! Aye! I would be happy to officiate! Aye! I have a bow tie I've been saving for a special occasion!'

'Captain Widdershins,' Violet said, 'let's try to stick to the subject of the sugar bowl.' She did not add that she was not interested in getting married for quite some time, particularly after Count Olaf had tried to marry her in one of his early schemes.

'Aye!' the captain cried. 'Of course! Naturally! Aye! Tell us everything, Klaus! We'll eat while you talk! Aye! Sunny! Cookie! Serve the chowder!'

'Chowder is served!' announced Phil, as he hurried from the kitchen carrying two steaming bowls of thick soup.

The youngest Baudelaire trailed behind him. Sunny was still a bit too young to carry hot food by herself, but she had found a pepper grinder, and circled the table offering fresh ground pepper to anyone who wanted some.

'Double pepper for me, Sunny!' Captain Widdershins cried, snatching the first bowl of chowder, although it is more polite to let one's guests be served first. 'A nice hot bowl of chowder! A double helping of pepper! The location of the sugar bowl! Aye! That'll blow the barnacles off me! Aye! I'm so glad I scooped you Baudelaires out of the stream!'

'I'm glad, too,' Fiona said, smiling shyly at Klaus.

'I couldn't be happier about it,' Phil said, serving two more bowls of chowder. 'I thought I'd never see you Baudelaires again, and here you are! All three of you have grown up so nicely, even though you've been constantly pursued by an evil villain and falsely accused of numerous crimes!'

'You certainly have had a harrowing journey,' Fiona said, using a word which here means 'frantic and extremely distressing.'

'I'm afraid we may have another harrowing journey ahead of us,' Klaus said. 'When Captain Widdershins was talking about the philosopher who said that all of life is just shadows in a cave, I realized at once what that oval must be.'

'A philosopher?' the captain asked. 'That's impossible! Aye!'

'Absurdio,' Sunny said, which meant 'Philosophers live at the tops of mountains or in ivory towers, not underneath the sea.'

'I think Klaus means a cave,' Violet said quickly, rather than translating. 'The oval must mark the entrance to a cave.'

'It begins right near Anwhistle Aquatics,' Klaus said, pointing to the chart. 'The currents of the ocean would have brought the sugar bowl right to the entrance, and then the currents of the cave would have carried it far inside.'

'But the chart only shows the entrance to the cave,' Violet said. 'We don't know what it's like inside. I wish Quigley was here. With his knowledge of maps, he might know the path of the cave.'

'But Quigley isn't here,' Klaus said gently. 'I guess we'll be traveling in uncharted waters.'

'That'll be fun,' Phil said.

The Baudelaires looked at one another. The phrase 'uncharted waters' does not only refer to underground locations that do not appear on charts. It is a phrase that can describe any place that is unknown, such as a forest in which every explorer has been lost, or one's own future, which cannot be known until it arrives. You don't have to be an optimist, like Phil, to find uncharted waters fun. I myself have spent many an enjoyable afternoon exploring the uncharted waters of a book I have not read, or a hiding place I discovered in a sideboard, a word which here means 'a piece of furniture in the dining room, with shelves and drawers to hold various useful items.' But the Baudelaires had already spent a great deal of time exploring uncharted waters, from the uncharted waters of Lake Lachrymose and its terrifying creatures, to the uncharted waters of secrets found in the Library of Records at Heimlich Hospital, to the uncharted waters of Count Olaf's wickedness, which were deeper and darker than any waters of the sea. After all of their uncharted traveling, the Baudelaire orphans were not in the mood to explore any uncharted waters, and could not share Phil's optimistic enthusiasm.

'It won't be the first time the Queequeg's been in uncharted waters,' Captain Widdershins said. 'Aye – most of this sea was first explored by V.F.D. submarines.'

'We thought V.F.D. stood for Volunteer Fire Department,' Violet said. 'Why would a fire department spend so much time underwater?'

'V.F.D. isn't just a fire department,' the captain said, but his voice was very quiet, as if he were talking more to himself than to his crew. 'Aye – it started that way. But the volunteers were interested in every such thing! I was one of the first to sign up for Voluntary Fish Domestication. That was one of the missions of Anwhistle Aquatics. Aye! I spent four long years training salmon to swim upstream and search for forest fires. That was when