The Grim Grotto

'There's always something more enormous and more terrifying on our tails! Aye! And so many of the noble submarines are gone! Aye! You think the Herman Melville suits are the only noble uniforms in the world? There used to be volunteers with P G. Wodehouse on their uniforms, and Carl Van Vechten. There was Comyns and Cleary and Archy and Mehitabel. But now volunteers are scarce! So the best we can do is one small noble thing! Aye! Like retrieving the sugar bowl from the Gorgonian Grotto, no matter how grim it sounds! Aye! Remember my personal philosophy! He who hesitates is lost!'

'Or she!' Fiona said.

'Or she,' the captain agreed. 'Aye?'

'Aye!' Violet cried.

'Aye!' Klaus shouted.

'Aye!' Sunny shrieked.

'Hooray!' Phil yelled.

Captain Widdershins peered down in annoyance at Phil, whom he would have preferred say 'Aye!' along with everyone else. 'Cookie!' he ordered. 'Do the dishes! The rest of you get some shut-eye! Aye!'

'Shut-eye?' Violet asked. 'Aye! It means 'sleep'!' the captain explained.

'We know what it means,' Klaus said. 'We're just surprised that we're supposed to sleep through the mission.'

'It'll take some time to get to the cave!' the captain said. 'I want you four to be well-rested in case you're needed! Now go to your barracks! Aye!'

It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting. The Baudelaires were not particularly in the mood to toss and turn in the Queequeg's barracks – a word which here means 'a type of bedroom that is usually uncomfortable' – as the submarine drew closer and closer to the mysterious grotto and its indispensable item, a phrase which here means 'the sugar bowl, although the children did not know why it was so important.'

But as they followed Fiona out of the Main Hall and back down the corridor, past the plaque advertising the captain's personal philosophy, the door to the supply room, and an uncountable number of leaky metal pipes, the siblings felt quite tired, and by the time Fiona opened a door to reveal a small, green-lit room stacked with saggy bunk beds, the three children were already yawning.

Perhaps it was because of their long, exhausting day, which had begun on the icy summit of Mount Fraught, but Violet didn't ponder one single mechanical idea as she got into bed, as she usually did before she went to sleep. Klaus scarcely had time to put his glasses on a small bedside table before he nodded off, a phrase which here means 'fell asleep without considering even one of the books he had recently read.' Sunny curled up on a pillow, and she didn't waste one moment dreaming up new recipes – preferably entrйes that were less mushy than chowder, as she still enjoyed biting things as much as she did when she was a baby, before she was dreaming herself. And even Fiona, whose bedtime habits are less familiar to me than that of the Baudelaires', put her glasses next to Klaus's and was asleep in moments.

The whirring engine of the Queequeg sent them deeper and deeper into slumber for several hours, and they probably would have slept much longer if the children hadn't been awakened by a terrible – and terribly familiar – noise. It was a loud, unnerving scraping, like fingernails against a chalkboard, and the Baudelaires were almost shaken out of bed as the entire submarine rattled.

'What was that?' Violet asked.

'We hit something,' Fiona said grimly, grabbing her glasses in one hand and her diving helmet in the other. 'We'd better see what the situation is.'

The Baudelaires nodded in agreement, and hurried out of the barracks and back down the corridor. There was an unnerving splashing sound coming from a few of the tubes, and Klaus had to pick up Sunny to carry her over several large puddles.

'Is the submarine collapsing?' Klaus asked.

'We'll know soon enough,' Fiona said, and she was correct.

In moments she'd led the Baudelaires Back into the Main Hall, where Phil and the captain were standing at the table, staring out the porthole into black nothingness. They each had grim expressions on their faces, although Phil was trying to smile at the same time.

'It's good you got some rest,' the optimist said. 'There's a real adventure ahead of you.'

'I'm glad you brought your diving helmets,' Captain Widdershins said. 'Aye!'

'Why?' Violet asked. 'Is the Queequeg seriously damaged?'

'Aye!' the captain said. 'I mean, no. The submarine is damaged, but she'll hold – for now. We reached the Gorgonian Grotto about an hour ago, and I was able to steer us inside with no problem. But the cave got narrower and narrower as we maneuvered further and further inside.'

'The book said the grotto was conical,' Klaus said. 'That means it's shaped like a cone.'

'Aye!' the captain said. 'The entrance was the wide end of the cone, but now it's too narrow for the submarine to travel. If we want to retrieve the sugar bowl we'll have to use something smaller.'

'Periscope?' Sunny asked.

'No,' Captain Widdershins replied. 'A child.'

Chapter Six

'You youngsters look very spiffy in those helmets!' Phil said, with a wide, optimistic smile on his face. 'I know you must be a little nervous, but I'm sure all of you children will rise to the occasion!'

The Baudelaire orphans sighed, and looked at one another from inside their diving helmets. When someone tells you that you will rise to the occasion, it means they think you'll be strong or skillful enough for a particular situation, but Violet, Klaus, and Sunny did not know if they could rise to the occasion when they were so afraid of sinking. Although they had dragged their helmets back and forth to the barracks, they hadn't realized how awkward they were until they had strapped them onto their waterproof uniforms. Violet did not like the fact that she couldn't reach through the helmet to tie up her hair, in case she needed to invent something on the spur of the moment, a phrase which here means 'while traveling through the Gorgonian Grotto.' Klaus found that it was difficult to see, as the small circular window in his helmet interfered with his glasses. And Sunny was not at all happy about curling up inside her helmet, shutting the tiny door, and being carried by her sister as if she were a volleyball instead of a young girl.

When they had put their uniforms on just a few hours earlier, the three siblings thought that the waterproof stilts had fit them like a glove. But now, as they followed Captain Widdershins out of the Main Hall and down the damp and dripping corridor, the children feared that the uniforms fit more like an anchor, dragging them down to the depths of the sea.

'Don't worry,' Fiona said, as though she were reading the Baudelaires' minds. She gave the siblings a small smile from behind her diving helmet. 'I assure you that these suits are completely safe – safe, but uncomfortable.'

'As long as we can breathe,' Violet said, 'I don't care how uncomfortable they are.'

'Of course you'll be able to breathe!' the captain said. 'Aye! The oxygen systems in your helmets provide plenty of air for a short journey! Of course, if there's any opportunity to remove your helmets, you should do so! Aye! That way the system can recharge itself, and you'll have more air.'

'Where would we find an opportunity to remove our helmets in an underwater cave?' Klaus asked.

'Who knows?' Captain Widdershins said. 'Aye! You'll be in uncharted waters. I wish I could go myself! Aye! But the grotto has become too narrow!'

'Hewenkella,' Sunny said. Her voice was muffled inside the helmet, and it was difficult for even her siblings to know what she was saying. 'I think my sister is curious about how we'll be able to see our way,' Violet said. 'Does the Queequeg have any waterproof flashlights?'

'Flashlights won't help you,' the captain replied. 'Aye! It's too dark! Aye! But you won't need to see your way. Aye! If Klaus's calculations are correct, the tide will just push you along. Aye! You won't even have to swim!