Chapter Thirteen
'Tell them, Triangle Eyes,' Count Olaf said with a wicked smile. 'Tell the Baudelaires that you've joined up with me.'
'It's true,' Fiona said, but behind her triangular glasses her eyes were downcast, a word which here means 'looking sadly at the floor.' 'Count Olaf said that if I helped him destroy the last safe place, he'd help me find my stepfather.'
'But Count Olaf and your stepfather are enemies!' Violet cried. 'They're on opposite sides of the schism.'
'I wouldn't be so sure about that,' Esmй Squalor said, her suction cups dragging along the floor as she stepped through the broken porthole. 'After all, Captain Widdershins abandoned you. Maybe he's decided volunteers are
'My brother, my stepfather, and I could be together again,' Fiona said quietly. 'Don't you understand, Baudelaires?'
'Of course they don't understand!' Count Olaf cried. 'Ha ha half-wits! Those brats spend their lives reading books instead of chasing after fortunes! Now, let's remove all the valuables from the
'You won't get away from us this time!' the hook-handed man said, taking the tagliatelle grande from behind his back and whirling the noodle in the air.
'We didn't get away from you last time,' Klaus said. 'You helped us sneak over here, to save Sunny. You said you wanted to come with us when we escaped in the
'V.F.D.,' the hook-handed man sneered. With one scornful flick of his hook he popped one of the balloons Phil had used to decorate the Main Hall for Violet's birthday. 'All those silly volunteers with their precious libraries and complicated codes – they're fools, every last one of them. I don't want to sit around reading idiotic books! He who hesitates is lost!'
'Or she,' Fiona said. 'Aye!'
'Yes,' Count Olaf said, 'let's not hesitate a moment longer, Hooky. Let's tour this submarine and steal anything we want!'
'I want to come, too!' Esmй said. 'I need a new fashionable outfit!'
'Of course, boss,' the hook-handed man said, walking toward the door of the Main Hall. 'Follow me.'
'No, you follow me!' Count Olaf said, pushing ahead of him. 'I'm in charge!'
'But Countie,' Carmelita whined, jumping off the wooden table and twirling around awkwardly. 'I want to go first because I'm a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!'
'Of course you get to go first, precious,' Esmй said. 'You get whatever your adorable little heart desires, right Olaf?' 'I guess so,' Olaf muttered.
'And tell Triangle Eyes to stay here and guard the orphans,' Carmelita said. 'I don't want her to take all the good stuff for herself.'
'Guard the orphans, Triangle Eyes,' Count Olaf said. 'Although I don't think you orphans really need to be guarded. After all, there's nowhere for you to go! Tee hee traction!'
'Giggle giggle gaudy!' Carmelita cried, leading the way out of the Main Hall.
'Ha ha hair trigger!' Esmй screamed, following her.
'Tee hee tonsillectomy!' Count Olaf shrieked, walking behind his girlfriend.
'I also find this amusing!' the hook-handed man yelled, and slammed the door behind him, leaving the Baudelaires alone with Fiona.
'Traitor,' Sunny said.
'Sunny's right,' Violet said. 'Don't do this, Fiona. There's still time to change your mind, and stay on the noble side of the schism.'
'We received a Volunteer Factual Dispatch,' Klaus said, holding up the telegram. ' V.F.D. is in desperate need of our services for a most urgent matter. We're meeting the volunteers at Briny Beach. You could come with us, Fiona.'
'Greenhut!' Sunny cried. She meant something like, 'You could be of enormous help,' but Fiona didn't even wait for a translation.
'You wouldn't abandon your sister,' the mycologist said. 'Aye! You risked your lives to save Sunny. How can you ask me to abandon my brother?'
'Your brother is a wicked person,' Violet said.
'People aren't either wicked or noble,' Fiona said. 'They're like chef's salads.'
Klaus picked up the photograph from the table and handed it to Fiona. 'This doesn't look like a chef's salad to me,' he said. 'It looks like a family. Is this what your family would have you do, Fiona? Send three children to the brig, while you help a villain in his treacherous schemes?'
Fiona looked at the picture, and blinked back tears behind her triangular glasses. 'My family is lost,' she said. 'Aye! My mother is dead. Aye! My father moved away. Aye! My stepfather has abandoned me. Aye! My brother may not be as wonderful as you Baudelaires, but he is the only family I have. Aye! I'm staying with him. Aye!'
'Stay with him if you must,' Violet said, 'but let us go.'
'Rendezvous,' Sunny said.
'Take us to Briny Beach,' Klaus translated. 'We might be on opposite sides of the schism, Fiona, but that doesn't mean we can't help one another.'
Fiona sighed, and looked first at the Baudelaires and then at the photograph of her family. 'I could turn my back,' she said, 'instead of guarding you.'
'And we could take the
Fiona frowned, and put the photograph back down on the table. 'If I let you go to Briny Beach,' she said, 'what will you do for me?'
'I'll teach you how to repair submarines,' Violet said, gesturing to the telegram device. 'You could restore the