The Grim Grotto

'I don't need the Queequeg anymore,' Fiona said. 'Aye! I'm part of the crew of the Carmelita.'

'I'll give you my commonplace book,' Klaus said, holding out his dark blue notebook. 'It's full of important secrets.'

'Count Olaf knows more secrets than you'll ever learn,' Fiona replied.

'Mmph!' The children looked down and saw Sunny, who had slipped away while the others were talking, and was now walking unsteadily back through the door marked KITCHEN, dragging her diving helmet.

'Don't touch that, Sunny!' Violet cried. 'There's a very dangerous fungus in there, and we don't have any more antidote!'

'Mycelo,' Sunny said, and lay the helmet at Fiona's feet.

'Sunny's right,' Klaus said, looking at the helmet and shuddering. 'Inside that helmet is the bugaboo of the mycological pantheon – the Medusoid Mycelium.'

'I thought you destroyed it,' Fiona said.

'No,' Violet said. 'The Medusoid Mycelium grows best in an enclosed space. You said that the poison of a deadly fungus can be the source of some wonderful medicines. This is a very valuable specimen for a mycologist like yourself.'

'That's true,' Fiona admitted quietly, and looked down at the helmet.

The Baudelaires looked down, too, remembering their terrible journey through the grotto. They remembered how cold and dark it was when they left the Queequeg and drifted through the cavern, and the horrifying sight of the Medusoid Mycelium trapping them in the eerie cave until the stalks and caps waned away. They remembered their chilly journey back to the submarine, and the dreadful discoveries of the missing crew and the mushrooms sprouting inside Sonny's helmet, and the image of the octopus submarine on the sonar screen, and the villain who was waiting for them when they tumbled inside.

'We're back!' Count Olaf announced, bursting back into the Main Hall with his comrades behind him. Esmй and Carmelita were peeking into a small, shiny box, and the hook-handed man was staggering under the weight of the uniforms and diving helmets he was carrying.

'There wasn't much to steal, I'm afraid – this submarine is not quite up to its former glory. Still, I found a small jewelry box hidden in the barracks, with a few valuable items.'

'I think the ruby ring is very in,' Esmй purred. 'It would look wonderful with my flame-imitating dress.'

'That was my mother's,' Fiona said quietly.

'She would have wanted me to have it Esmй said quickly. 'We were close friends at school.'

'I want the necklace!' Carmelita demanded. 'It goes perfectly with my veterinarian stethoscope! Give it to me, Countie!'

'I wish we had those carnival freaks with us,' the hook-handed man said. 'They could help carry some of these uniforms.'

'We'll see them at the Hotel Denouement,' said Count Olaf, 'along with the rest of my comrades. Well, let's get out of here! We have lots to do before we arrive! Triangle Eyes, take the orphans to the brig! Ha ha hula dance!'

Humming a ridiculous tune, the villain performed a few dance steps of triumph, only to stumble over the diving helmet on the floor.

Carmelita giggled nastily as Olaf reached down and rubbed his tattooed ankle. 'Ha, ha Countie!' cried Carmelita. 'My dance recital was better than yours!'

'Get this hat out of here, Triangle Eyes,' Count Olaf snarled. He bent down, picked up the helmet, and started to hand it to Fiona, but the hook-handed man stopped him.

'I think you'll want that helmet for Yourself, boss,' the henchman said.

'I prefer a smaller, lighter hat,' Count Olaf said, 'but I appreciate the gesture.'

'What my brother means,' Fiona explained, 'is that inside this helmet is the Medusoid Mycelium.'

The Baudelaires gasped and looked at one another in horror, as Count Olaf peered through the helmet's tiny window, his eyes wide beneath his eyebrow. 'The Medusoid Mycelium,' he murmured, and ran his tongue thoughtfully along his teeth. 'Could it be?'

'Impossible,' Esmй. Squalor said. 'That fungus was destroyed long ago.'

'They brought it with them,' the hook-handed man said. 'That's why the baby was so sick.'

'This is marvelous,' Olaf said, his voice as raspy and wheezy as if he were poisoned himself. 'As soon as you Baudelaires are in the brig, I'm going to open this helmet and toss it inside! You'll suffer as I've always wanted you to suffer.'

'That's not what we should do!' Fiona cried. 'That's a very valuable specimen!'

Esmй stepped forward and draped two of her tentacles around Olaf's neck. 'Triangle Eyes is right,' she said. 'You don't want to waste the fungus on the orphans. Besides, you need one of them alive to get the fortune.'

'That's true,' Olaf agreed, 'but the idea of those orphans not being able to breathe is awfully attractive.'

'But think of the fortunes we can steal!' Esmй said. 'Think of the people we can boss around! With the Medusoid Mycelium in our grasp, who can stop us now?'

'No one!' Count Olaf cackled in triumph. 'Ha hunan chicken! Ha ha hamantaschen! Ha ha hors d'oeuvres! Ha ha h –'

But the Baudelaire children never learned what ridiculous word Olaf was going to utter, as he interrupted himself to point across the Main Hall at a screen on the wall. The screen looked like a piece of graph paper, lit up in green light, and at the center were both a glowing letter Q, representing the Queequeg, and a glowing eye, representing the terrible octopus submarine that had devoured them. But at the top of the screen was another shape – one they had almost forgotten about. It was a long curved tube, with a small circle at the end of it, slithering slowly down the screen like a snake, or an enormous question mark, or some terrible evil the children could not even imagine.

'What's that cakesniffing shape?' asked Carmelita Spats. 'It looks like a big comma.'

'Shh!' Count Olaf hissed, putting his filthy hand over Carmelita's mouth. 'Silence, everyone!'

'We have to get out of here,' Esmй murmured. 'This octopus is no match for that thing.'

'You're right,' Olaf muttered. 'Esmй, go whip our rowers so they'll go faster! Hooky, store those uniforms! Triangle Eyes, take the orphans to the brig!'

'What about me?' Carmelita asked. 'I'm the cutest, so I should get to do something.'

'I guess you'd better come with me,' the count said wearily. 'But no tap-dancing! We don't want to show up on their sonar!'

'Ta ta, cakesniffers!' Carmelita said, waving her pink wand at the three siblings.

'You're so stylish, darling,' Esmй said. 'It's like I always say: You can't be too rich or too in!' The two wicked females jumped through the broken porthole and out of the Queequeg, followed by the hook-handed man, who gave the Baudelaires an awkward wave.

But before Count Olaf exited, he paused, standing on the wooden table, and drew his long, sharp sword to point at the children. 'Your luck is over at last,' he said, in a terrible voice. 'For far too long, you keep defeating my plans and escaping from my clutches – a happy cycle for you orphans and an unprofitable one for me. But now the tables have turned, Baudelaires. You've finally run out of places to run. And as soon as we get away from that' – he pointed at the sonar screen with a flick of his sword, and raised his eyebrow menacingly – 'you'll see that this cycle has finally been broken. You should have given up a long time ago, orphans. I triumphed the moment you lost your family.'

'We didn't lose our family,' Violet said. 'Only our parents.'

'You'll lose everything, orphans,' Count Olaf replied. 'Wait and see.' Without another word, he leaped out of the porthole and disappeared into his ghastly mechanical octopus, leaving the Baudelaires alone with Fiona.

'Are you going to take us to the brig?' Klaus asked.

'No,' Fiona said. 'Aye! I'll let you escape – if you can. You'd better hurry.'

'I can set a course,' Violet said, 'and Klaus can read the tidal charts.'