The Baudelaires wanted to gently shake her by the shoulders, or whisper in her ear, or even just brush the hair away from her eyes--anything at all to help their unconscious sibling. But the two youngsters knew that any affectionate gesture would give away their disguise, so they just walked alongside the gurney, clutching the rusty knife, as the two men led the way out of Room 922 and through the halls of the Surgical Ward. With every step, Klaus and Sunny watched their sister carefully, hoping for a sign that the anesthesia was wearing off, but Violet's face remained as still and blank as the sheet of paper on which I am printing this story.
Although her siblings preferred to think about her inventing abilities and conversational skills rather than her physical appearance, it was true, as the hook-handed man had said, that Violet was a pretty one, and if her hair had been neatly combed, instead of all tangled up, and she had been dressed in something elegant and glamorous, instead of a stained gown, she might indeed have looked like an illustration from 'Sleeping Beauty.' But the two younger Baudelaires did not feel like characters in a fairy tale. The unfortunate events in their lives had not begun with 'Once upon a time,' but with the terrible fire that had destroyed their home, and as Olaf's associates led them to a square metal door at the end of the hallway, Klaus and Sunny feared that their lives would not end like a fairy tale either. The label on the door read 'Operating Theater,' and as the hook-handed man opened it with one curved glove, the two children could not imagine that their story would end with 'happily ever after.'
Chapter Eleven
Operating theaters are not nearly as popular as dramatic theaters, musical theaters, and movie theaters, and it is easy to see why. A dramatic theater is a large, dark room in which actors perform a play, and if you are in the audience, you can enjoy yourself by listening to the dialog and looking at the costumes. A musical theater is a large, dark room in which musicians perform a symphony, and if you are in the audience, you can enjoy yourself by listening to the melodies and watching the conductor wave his little stick around. And a movie theater is a large, dark room in which a projectionist shows a film, and if you are in the audience, you can enjoy yourself by eating popcorn and gossiping about movie stars. But an operating theater is a large, dark room in which doctors perform medical procedures, and if you are in the audience, the best thing to do is to leave at once, because there is never anything on display in an operating theater but pain, suffering, and discomfort, and for this reason most operating theaters have been closed down or have been turned into restaurants.
I'm sorry to say, however, that the operating theater at Heimlich Hospital was still quite popular at the time this story takes place. As Klaus and Sunny followed Olaf's two disguised associates through the square metal door, they saw that the large, dark room was filled with people.
There were rows of doctors in white coats who were clearly eager to see a new operation being performed. There were clusters of nurses sitting together and whispering with excitement about the world's first cranioectomy. There was a large group of Volunteers Fighting Disease who seemed ready to burst into song if needed. And there were a great many people who looked like they had simply walked over to the operating theater to see what was playing. The four disguised people wheeled the gurney onto a small bare stage, lit by a chandelier that was hanging from the ceiling, and as soon as the light of the chandelier fell on Klaus and Sunny's unconscious sister, all of the audience members burst into cheers and applause. The roar from the crowd only made Klaus and Sunny even more anxious, but Olaf's two associates stopped moving the gurney, raised their arms, and bowed several times.
'Thank you very much!' the hook-handed man cried. 'Doctors, nurses, Volunteers Fighting Disease, reporters from
'Hooray for Dr. Lucafont!' a doctor cried, as the crowd burst into applause again, and the hook-handed man raised his rubber-gloved hands and took another bow.
'And I am Dr. Flacutono,' the bald man announced, looking a bit jealous of all the applause the hook-handed man was getting. 'I am the surgeon who invented the cranioectomy, and I am thrilled to operate today in front of all you wonderful and attractive people.'
'Hooray for Dr. Flacutono!' a nurse shouted, and the crowd applauded again. Some of the reporters even whistled as the bald man bowed deeply, using one hand to hold his curly wig on his head.
'The surgeon is right!' the hook-handed man said. 'You are wonderful and attractive, all of you! Go on, give yourselves a big hand!'
'Hooray for us!' a volunteer cried, and the audience applauded another time. The two Baudelaires looked at their older sister, hoping that the noise of the crowd would wake her up, but Violet did not move.
'Now, the two lovely ladies you see are two associates of mine named Dr. Tocuna and Nurse Flo,' the bald man continued. 'Why don't you give them the same wonderful welcome you gave us?'
Klaus and Sunny half expected someone in the crowd to shout, 'They aren't medical associates! They're those two children wanted for murder!' but instead the crowd merely cheered once more, and the two children found themselves waving miserably at the members of the audience. Although the youngsters were relieved that they hadn't been recognized, the butterflies in their stomachs only got worse as everyone in the operating theater grew more and more eager for the operation to begin.
'And now that you've met all of our fantastic performers,' the hook-handed man said, 'let the show begin. Dr. Flacutono, are you ready to begin?'
'I sure am,' the bald man said. 'Now, ladies and gentlemen, as I'm sure you know, a cranioectomy is a procedure in which the patient's head is removed. Scientists have discovered that many health problems are rooted in the brain, so that the best thing to do with a sick patient is remove it. However, a cranioectomy is as dangerous as it is necessary. There is a chance that Laura V. Bleediotie might die while the operation is being performed, but sometimes one must risk accidents in order to cure illness.'
'A patient's death would certainly be a terrible accident, Dr. Flacutono,' the hook-handed man said.
'It sure would, Dr. O. Lucafont,' the bald man agreed. 'That's why I'm going to have my associates perform the surgery, while I supervise. Dr. Tocuna and Nurse Flo, you may begin.'
The crowd applauded once more, and Olaf's associates bowed and blew kisses to each corner of the operating theater as the two children looked at one another in horror.
'What can we do?' Klaus murmured to his sister, looking out at the crowd. 'We're surrounded by people who expect us to saw Violet's head off.'
Sunny looked at Violet, still unconscious on the gurney, and then at her brother, who was holding the long, rusty knife Esmé had given him. 'Stall,' she said. The word 'stall' has two meanings, but as with most words with two meanings, you can figure out which meaning is being used by looking at the situation. The word 'stall,' for example, can refer to a place where horses are kept, but Klaus knew at once that Sunny meant something more along the lines of 'We'll try to postpone the operation as long as we can, Klaus,' and he nodded silently in agreement. The middle Baudelaire took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to think of something that could help him postpone the cranioectomy, and all at once he thought of something he had read.
When you read as many books as Klaus Baudelaire, you are going to learn a great deal of information that might not become useful for a long time. You might read a book that would teach you all about the exploration of outer space, even if you do not become an astronaut until you are eighty years old. You might read a book about how to perform tricks on ice skates, and then not be forced to perform these tricks for a few weeks. You might read a book on how to have a successful marriage, when the only woman you will ever love has married someone else and then perished one terrible afternoon. But although Klaus had read books on outer-space exploration, ice-skating tricks, and good marriage methods, and not yet found much use for this information, he had learned a great deal of information that was about to become very useful indeed.
'Before I make the first incision,' Klaus said, using a fancy word for 'cut' in order to sound more like a medical professional, 'I think Nurse Flo and I should talk a little bit about the equipment we're using.'
Sunny looked at her brother quizzically. 'Knife?' she asked.
'That's right,' Klaus said. 'It's a knife, and--'
'We all know it's a knife, Dr. Tocuna,' the hook-handed man said, smiling at the audience, as the bald man leaned in to whisper to Klaus.
'What are you doing?' he hissed. 'Just saw off the brat's head and we'll be done.'
