The Hostile Hospital

'A real doctor would never perform a new operation without explaining everything,' Klaus whispered back. 'We have to keep talking, or we'll never fool them.'

Olaf's associates looked at Klaus and Sunny for a moment, and the two Baudelaires got ready to run, dragging Violet's gurney with them, if they were recognized at last. But after a moment's hesitation, the two disguised men looked at each other and nodded.

'I suppose you're right,' the hook-handed man said, and then turned to the audience. 'Sorry for the delay, folks. As you know, we're real doctors, so that's why we're explaining everything. Carry on, Dr. Tocuna.'

'The cranioectomy will be performed with a knife,' Klaus said, 'which is the oldest surgical tool in the world.' He was remembering the section on knives in A Complete History of Surgical Tools, which he had read when he was eleven. 'Early knives have been found in Egyptian tombs and Mayan temples, where they were used for ceremonial purposes, and mostly fashioned out of stone. Gradually bronze and iron became the essential materials in knives, although some cultures fashioned them out of the incisors of slain animals.'

'Teeth,' Sunny explained.

'There are a number of different types of knives,' Klaus continued, 'including the pocket-knife, the penknife, and the drawing knife, but the one required for this cranioectomy is a Bowie knife, named after Colonel James Bowie, who lived in Texas.'

'Wasn't that a magnificient explanation, ladies and gentlemen?' the hook-handed man said.

'It sure was,' one of the reporters agreed. She was a woman wearing a gray suit and chewing gum as she spoke into a small microphone. 'I can see the headline now: 'DOCTOR AND NURSE EXPLAIN HISTORY OF KNIFE.' Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!'

The audience applauded in agreement, and as the operating theater filled with the sound of cheers and clapping, Violet moved on her gurney, ever so slightly. Her mouth opened a little wider, and one of her limp hands stirred briefly. The motions were so small that only Klaus and Sunny noticed them, and they looked at one another hopefully. Could they keep stalling until the anesthesia completely wore off?

'Enough talk,' the bald man whispered to the children. 'It's lots of fun fooling innocent people, but we'd better get on with the operation before the orphan wakes up.'

'Before I make the first incision,' Klaus said again, continuing to address the audience as if the bald man hadn't spoken, 'I would like to say a few words concerning rust.' He paused for a moment and tried to remember what he had learned from a book entitled What Happens to Wet Metal, which he had received as a gift from his mother. 'Rust is a reddish-brown coating that forms on certain metals when they oxidize, which is a scientific term for a chemical reaction occurring when iron or steel comes into contact with moisture.' He held up the rusty knife for the audience to see, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Violet's hand move again, just barely. 'The oxidation process is integral to a cranioectomy due to the oxidative processes of cellular mitochondria and cosmetic demystification,' he continued, trying to use as many complicated words as he could think of.

'Clap!' Sunny cried, and the audience applauded once more, although not as loudly this time.

'Very impressive,' the bald associate said, glaring at Klaus over his surgical mask. 'But I think these lovely people will understand the process better once the head has actually been removed.'

'Of course,' Klaus replied. 'But first, we need to tenderize the vertebrae, so we can make a clean cut. Nurse Flo, will you please nibble on Viol--I mean, on Laura V. Bleediotie's neck?'

'Yes,' Sunny said with a smile, knowing just what Klaus was up to. Standing on tiptoe, the youngest Baudelaire gave her sister a few small nibbles on the neck, hoping that it would wake Violet up. As Sunny's teeth scraped against her skin, Violet twitched, and shut her mouth, but nothing more.

'What are you doing?' the hook-handed man demanded in a furious whisper. 'Perform the operation at once, or Mattathias will be furious!'

'Isn't Nurse Flo wonderful?' Klaus asked the audience, but only a few members of the crowd clapped, and there was not a single cheer. The people in the operating theater were clearly eager to see some surgery rather than hear any more explanations.

'I believe you've bitten her neck enough,' the bald man said. His voice was friendly and professional, but his eyes were gazing at the children suspiciously. 'Let's get on with the cranioectomy.'

Klaus nodded, and clasped the knife in both hands, holding it up over his helpless sister. He looked at Violet's sleeping figure and wondered if he could made a very small cut on Violet's neck, one that could wake her up but wouldn't injure her. He looked at the rusty blade, which was shaking up and down as his hands trembled in fear. And then he looked at Sunny, who had stopped nibbling on Violet's neck and was looking up at him with wide, wide eyes.

'I can't do it,' he whispered, and looked up at the ceiling. High above them was a square intercom speaker that he had not noticed before, and the sight of the speaker made him think of something. 'I can't do it,' he announced, and there was a gasp from the crowd.

The hook-handed man took a step toward the gurney, and pointed his limp, curved glove at Klaus. The middle Baudelaire could see the sharp tip of his hook, poking through the finger of the glove like a sea creature emerging from the water. 'Why not?' the hook-handed man asked quietly.

Klaus swallowed, hoping he still sounded like a medical professional instead of a scared child. 'Before I make the first incision, there's one more thing that has to be done--the most important thing we do here at Heimlich Hospital.'

'And what is that?' the bald man asked. His surgical mask curled down as he gave the children a sinister frown, but Sunny's mask began to curl in the opposite direction as she realized what Klaus was talking about, and began to smile.

'Paperwork!' she said, and to the Baudelaires' delight, the audience began to applaud once more.

'Hooray!' called a member of V.F.D. from the back of the operating theater, as the cheering continued. 'Hooray for paperwork!'

Olaf's two associates looked at one another in frustration as the Baudelaires looked at one another in relief. 'Hooray for paperwork indeed!' Klaus cried. 'We can't operate on a patient until her file is absolutely complete!'

'I can't believe we forgot about it, even for a moment!' a nurse cried. 'Paperwork is the most important thing we do at this hospital!'

'I can see the headline now,' said the reporter who had spoken earlier. ''HEIMLICH HOSPITAL ALMOST FORGETS PAPERWORK!' Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!'

'Somebody call Hal,' suggested a doctor. 'He's in charge of the Library of Records, so he can solve this paperwork problem.'

'I'll call Hal right now!' announced a nurse, walking out of the operating theater, and the crowd clapped in support of her decision.

'There's no need to call Hal,' said the hook-handed man, holding up his hooked gloves to try to calm the crowd. 'The paperwork has been taken care of, I promise you.'

'But all surgical paperwork has to be verified by Hal,' Klaus said. 'That's the policy of Heimlich Hospital.'

The bald man glared down at the children and spoke to them in a frightening whisper. 'What in the world are you doing?' he asked them. 'You're going to ruin everything!'

'I think Dr. Tocuna is right,' another doctor said. 'That's the policy here.'

The crowd applauded again, and Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. The two Baudelaires, of course, had no idea what the hospital's policy was concerning surgical paperwork, but they were beginning to see that the crowd would believe just about anything if they thought it was being said by a medical professional.

'Hal is on his way,' the nurse announced, reentering the room. 'There's apparently been some problem at the Library of Records, but he'll come as quickly as he can and settle this matter once and for all.'

'We don't need Hal to settle this matter once and for all,' a voice said from the far end of the theater, and the Baudelaires turned to see the slender, tottering figure of Esmé Squalor, walking straight toward them in her stiletto-heeled shoes, with two people trailing dutifully behind her. These two people were both dressed in medical coats and surgical masks just like the Baudelaires'. Klaus and Sunny could see just a bit of their pale faces above the masks and knew at once that they were the two powder-faced assistants of Olaf.

'This is the real Dr. Tocuna,' Esmé said, pointing to one of the women, 'and