Robopocalypse

M. FITCHER

How many planes did it fuel? Which ones?

+00:05:09

R. TAYLOR

Two. Our birds. What’s it mean, Fitch?

+00:05:12

M. FITCHER

I don’t know. I’ve got a feeling. There’s no time. (sound of a click)

+00:05:14

DENVER

United 42 heavy and American 1497, I know it sounds far-out, but… I have a hunch. You’re both experiencing the same issue. Both your planes passed through LA yesterday. I think a virus may have entered your refuel control computers. See if (inaudible)… find the circuit breaker for the subcomputer.

+00:05:17

UNITED

Roger approach. I’m willing to try anything. (static) Uh, that’s probably behind the seat. Right? Be advised, American 1497, fueling circuit breakers are on panel four.

+00:05:20

AMERICAN

Roger. Looking for those.

+00:05:48

DENVER

United 42 heavy. Traffic is now twelve o’clock and two miles. Same altitude.

+00:05:56

DENVER

American 1497. Your traffic is now nine o’clock. Two miles. Same altitude.

+00:06:12

UNITED

(voice of Traffic Collision Avoidance System) Climb. Climb.

+00:06:17

UNITED

Can’t… find the breakers. Where are—(inaudible)

+00:06:34

DENVER

(emphatic) See and avoid. American 1497 and United 42. See and avoid. Collision imminent. Collision… Oh no. Oh, shit.

+00:06:36

AMERICAN

(unintelligible) …I’m sorry, Ma.

+00:06:38

UNITED

(voice of Traffic Collision Avoidance System) Climb now. Climb now.

+00:06:40

AMERICAN

…where (shuffling) Oh! (exclaimed loudly) (long moment of static)

+00:06:43

DENVER

Do you copy? Repeat. Did you copy?

+00:07:08

DENVER

(inaudible)

+00:07:12

UNITED

(hysterical yelling)

+00:07:15

DENVER

(relieved) Oh my god.

+00:07:18

AMERICAN

American 1497. Roger. It worked. That was a close one, y’all! Oh my! (sound of hooting)

+00:07:24

DENVER

(heavy breathing) You had Fitcher worried there for a second, kids.

+00:07:28

UNITED

United 42 heavy. Flight control restored. It worked! Fitch, you magnificent woman, can you get us cleared for landing? I need to kiss the ground. I need to kiss you, sister.

+00:07:32

DENVER

Uh, roger that. United 42 turn right, heading oh nine oh. Airport is at your two o’clock and ten miles.

+00:07:35

UNITED

United 42 heavy. Roger. Airport in sight.

+00:07:37

DENVER

United 42 heavy, cleared for the visual. Runway sixteen. Right. Contact tower one thirty-five point three.

+00:07:40

UNITED

Thanks for the help. Tower on thirty-five three. See ya.

+00:07:45

AMERICAN

American 1497. Same story. Got a grin on my face up here. But, uh, somebody sure has some explaining to do.

+00:07:53

DENVER

That’s for damn sure. Bring it home, pilots.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

This incident led directly to the invention and propagation of the so-called fitch switch, designed to manually separate peripheral onboard computers from flight control during an emergency. No passengers were harmed on either flight, although the experience of passing within feet of another 777 aircraft was incredibly frightening. I know this for a fact. My brother Jack and I were both passengers on United Flight 42.

—CORMAC WALLACE, MIL#GHA217

7. PHREAK