Never Knowing

and a whole pot of coffee — Evan told me he’d gotten a couple of calls from the lodge. I said I was worried about him losing business, he said he was more worried about losing me.

Once John realized I wasn’t going to answer my cell phone he tried the landline a couple of times. When Ally came home she wondered why we weren’t picking it up, so we told her that it was just salespeople and she was not to answer it. We turned the ringer off at night and gave the police Evan’s cell number because my cell was also off. John tried a couple more times on Sunday. All the calls came from around Cache Creek, and I felt safer knowing where he was, or at least the general area, but Evan said it just made me more insane trying to predict his next move. He had a point. I agreed to call the phone company on Monday to change our number. Then I got the e-mail Sunday night.

Evan was about to show me the wedding Web site he’d spent all weekend updating when I decided to check my e-mail. As soon as I saw the address [email protected] I knew it was from John. The message was in all caps.

SARA,THE PRESSURE IS BAD. I NEED YOU.JOHN

The walls of my office closed in as I stared at my screen. Behind me Evan was talking, but I couldn’t make sense of the words. My body felt hot all over, my legs heavy with dread.

Evan said, “What’s wrong?”

“John just e-mailed.”

Evan spun his chair around, asked me something else I didn’t catch. I opened the window above my desk, needing air, but I still felt like I was suffocating. Billy, I had to get in touch with Billy. I forwarded the e-mail and he called right away to say the RCMP would try to find out where John had sent it from, but I was sure he’d used a public computer.

When I showed Evan the e-mail he told me to just ignore it. I tried to focus on the wedding site, but I couldn’t get John’s words out of my head.

I said, “What if he kills someone?”

“The police have warnings out to all the campsites. But he’s going to end up killing you if you keep communicating with him, Sara.” He scrolled through another page on the Web site. “Come on, this will take your mind off it. See, I changed the format and added our horoscopes and links to a map — there’s a little quiz too. And people can RSVP right online.” “That’s cool — and thanks for trying to distract me. But not communicating with John is what’s pushing him over the edge.”

“So let him get pissed off. I’m here, the house is wired, and we have cops patrolling by. If you’re going to talk to him at all, that’s what you should tell him — that the police know he’s been contacting you and they’ll catch him if he steps foot on the island again.” “That might make him go totally ballistic.”

Evan turned from the screen. “What do you want to do, Sara?”

“I just want this to all go away.”

“Then let the police do their job.”

“But they can only do so much and I can’t stand not knowing what he’s doing.”

“Sara, if you talk to him, I’m going to be really pissed off.”

“Now you’re threatening me? That’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair that I have to worry about you. You said you were done.”

“But he’s not done. We can change our numbers — I can change them a million times — but as long as he’s out there he’s going to find new ways to contact me.”

Evan’s face was stony. “So what do you want to do?”

“I think — I think maybe I should try to meet with him again. If—”

“No, Sara. You can’t do it.”

“Evan, just think about it. Please. I don’t want to do it either — it’s terrifying. But we have to catch him. It’s the only way this is ever going to end. How are we going to be able to have a wedding with this hanging over us?”

“If you do this, I don’t want any part of it.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m not sitting in that truck, wondering if you’re getting yourself killed. You’re risking Ally too, you know.”

“That’s so unfair — I’m trying to protect Ally. She’s not going to be safe until he’s caught.”

“If you do this, she should come to the lodge with me.”

“Ally’s staying here.”

“So you want her in town where he can snatch her from school?”

“She’s safer here with police protection than up at the lodge. The drive there is deserted, there are only like three policemen in the entire town — and he knows where the lodge is, Evan. If anything happened up there —”

“I could protect her better up there.”

“Billy can protect her—” I pulled back as I realized what I was about to say.

“So you think Billy can take better care of Ally?”

“He’s a cop, Evan.”

“I don’t care what he is, if you do this I’m taking Ally to the lodge or I’m telling your parents and she can stay there.”

“You’re not taking my daughter anywhere.”

“Your daughter? That’s what it comes down to? She’s not mine so I don’t have any say in what happens to her?”

“Evan, that’s not what I meant!”

He closed down his computer and headed for the office door.

“Do what you want, Sara. You will anyway.”

That night Evan slept on the couch. I tossed and turned for hours, still arguing with him in my head, but by midnight most of my anger had burned off. I hated that he was mad at me. I turned onto my back and stared at the ceiling. Why couldn’t Evan see that meeting with John was the best chance — like Billy said, probably the only chance — of getting him out of our lives?

In the dark I turned over everything we’d said. My daughter? Evan was more of a father than she’d ever had in her life. Did I really think because she wasn’t biologically his that he shouldn’t have a say in what happens to her? Now I realized that subconsciously I’d always considered Evan’s opinions second when it came to Ally.

Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to cut John completely off. I’d done everything the police had asked, endured all of John’s calls to the point where I was a walking panic attack, finally agreed to meet him — and he still hadn’t been caught. He’d said he wouldn’t hurt anyone as long as I talked to him, then killed Danielle even after I pulled off to the side of a highway to answer his call. And how did I know he wouldn’t have attacked her even if he had reached me in Victoria? If I made the slightest misstep he used it as an excuse to do what he was going to do anyway. Now the stakes were higher. He knew he could use Ally as leverage — if I was willing to lie to protect her, he might wonder what else I’d be willing to do for her.

I could’ve explained my feelings to Evan better, but why was he being so dominating? I ran back through the fight and this time tried to put myself in his shoes. Then I got it. Evan was scared. And he had every right to be. How would I feel if he was going to do something that terrified me but I couldn’t stop him? The last thing I wanted was a marriage like my parents’—Mom in the kitchen and Dad calling the shots — but Evan wasn’t bossing me around; he was just worried.

I crept downstairs and into the living room. Evan was on his back, one arm thrown up over his head. I knelt by his side and admired his features in the moonlight. I love his high cheekbones and the way his upper lip is slightly fuller on one side. His hair was messed up, making him look even more boyish. I moved my face close to his.

“What are you doing?” he murmured.

“Sucking up.”

He grunted in the dark and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me up and on top of him so my