Never Knowing

that, but Evan flipped out. There’s no way he’d let me do it again.”

“He’s just trying to protect you.”

“I get that, but he doesn’t torture himself like I do. I know it sounds nuts, but it’s like I can feel everything those victims feel, what their families feel. Don’t you ever feel like that when you work a case? Like you’re losing yourself?” “It’s hard, but you learn to compartmentalize.”

I sighed. “That’s my problem. I can’t separate from anything. Even when I was a kid I had a one-track mind. Dad used to hate it because I’d be right into something for a while and I’d go on and on about it for days, then the next week it was something else.” I laughed. “What were you like as a kid?” “I got into trouble all the time — fighting, drinking, stealing. My dad kicked me out when I was seventeen and I had to live at a friend’s.”

“Wow! That’s awful.”

“It worked out for the best.” He shrugged. “I joined a gym near my house, and this old cop who taught kickboxing took me out on a few ride-alongs. He talked me into being a cop or I’d probably be behind bars.”

“I’m glad you decided to be one of the good guys.”

“Me too.” He was grinning.

“Are you and your dad close now?”

“He’s a pastor. All he cares about is church and God, in that order.”

“Really? What was that like growing up?”

“If you think I have a lot of quotes, my dad could preach the Bible word for word.” He smiled, but I saw a flash of something hard in his eyes before he looked down at his empty coffee cup.

“Was he strict? You know, ‘spare the rod’ and all that?”

He nodded. “Not violent or anything, but he believes in penance.” He gave a short laugh. “When I was a kid, I got in a fight at Sunday school because I was trying to stop a boy from beating up a smaller kid. Dad made me apologize to the whole congregation — then kneel at the front of the church and renounce my sins and beg the Lord’s forgiveness. That was just for starters.” “But you were just trying to protect someone. Didn’t you explain what happened?”

“There’s no explaining anything to my father. But I know what I did was right. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

“It’s weird thinking of you having a dad like that. You’re so calm and logical.”

“Now, sure. But it took me a while to get there.”

“Really?”

“I had a bad temper when I was in my twenties. When I first joined the RCMP I wanted to take down every criminal myself.”

“Back that up. You had a temper?”

A mischievous grin. “I may have bent a few rules.”

“Or a few faces, right? I knew it!”

His expression grew serious. “A case got thrown out because of me and I was suspended — almost got kicked off the force. It was a hard lesson, but I learned to work within the system.”

“But don’t you get frustrated? Like when someone keeps getting away with crimes?” I shook my head. “If John got off on a technicality, I’d go nuts. It would be pretty tempting to take matters into my own hands.”

Billy’s face was intent, troubled. I didn’t fill in the silence.

“That case I just told you about?” he said finally. “It was a serial rapist. After months we had a lead on where he might be staying and I decided to check it out. When I got there I saw a man leaving who fit the suspect’s description. The rapist always took his victims’ clothes, so I climbed in a window looking for evidence — and sure enough, there was a bag in the closet filled with women’s clothing. I was about to leave when the suspect walked in the front door. When he saw me, he took off running and I gave chase.… It didn’t end well.” “What happened?”

He met my eyes. “Let’s just say I let my emotions rule my head and I made a mistake.”

“But you always seem so in control.” I was intrigued that Billy might have another side to him. One a lot more like myself.

“The Art of War changed my life — kickboxing helped too. When you’re in the ring you find out fast that if you lose your cool, you lose your coordination.”

“Huh, interesting. Are your tattoos from the book?”

He pointed to his left arm. “This one says, ‘Weakness stems from preparing against attack.’” He pointed to his right arm. “And this one is, ‘Strength stems from obliging the enemy to prepare against an attack.’ I got them when I joined Serious Crimes.” “They’re really cool.”

He smiled. “Thanks.”

We finished our sandwiches, then Billy’s BlackBerry dinged. He unclipped it from his belt and glanced down.

“Looks like you got another e-mail from John.” I’d almost forgotten the police were forwarding all my e-mails to themselves. Billy’s face was tense as he scrolled down.

“What does it say?”

He handed me the phone.

IF YOU WON’T TALK TO ME,

I’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL.

Fear slammed through my body, forcing the air out of my chest in a rush. He was going to do it — he was going to kill someone else. I tried to say something to Billy, but my whole body felt like it was pulsing with the blood roaring in my ears.

Billy said, “Are you all right?”

I shook my head. “What … what’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know. We’ll trace where this came from and make sure the detachments across BC increase their patrols at campsites.”

“What do I do now?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know — if I start talking to him again Evan’s going to be really upset, but if John…”

“Only you can make that decision, Sara. But I have to go make some calls. I’ll let you know if I hear anything.”

As soon as he left I went upstairs and stared at John’s e-mail, my heart and thoughts going a mile a minute, then it was time to get Ally. Thank God she chattered about her day all the way home, because my mind spun around and around. What was I going to do about John? Hours later I wasn’t any closer to an answer.

To distract myself I Googled Billy and found an article about the case he’d mentioned. What he didn’t tell me was that after he chased the rapist they got into a fight. He grabbed Billy’s gun and as they struggled for it the thing went off, injuring an old lady walking her dog. Because Billy had unlawfully entered the house, the judge wouldn’t allow the evidence into court and the rapist got a stay of proceedings. No wonder Billy did everything by the book now. Even though he broke some major rules, I was impressed he went after the guy on his own like that.

After Ally was in bed Evan finally called back. I told him about John’s e-mail and what had happened at Julia’s.

“That’s a pile of horseshit. I can’t believe she did that to you. Just write that woman off, Sara. You don’t deserve that.”

“But you kind of have to see things from her point of view. I know what it feels like to live in fear of what’s going to happen next. If there was someone who could stop me from feeling that way right now—”

“There is — the police. You have to let them do their job.”

“Billy’s trying.”

Evan was quiet.

I said, “What?”