be put into words, or at least any words I know.
Evan stirs behind me. “It’s late,” he murmurs. “You’d better get some sleep.”
He rolls off the bed and pads toward the door. I sit up, my heart racing, not sure exactly why. “Where are you going?”
“Going to look around a little. I won’t be long.”
After he leaves, I strip off my clothes and slip on one of his plaid lumberjack shirts. Val had been into the frilly sleepwear. Not my style.
I climb back into bed and pull the covers up to my chin. Dang, it’s cold. I listen to the quiet. Of the Evanless house, that is. Outside are the sounds of nature unleashed. The distant barking of wild dogs. The howl of a wolf. The screech of owls. It’s winter, the time of year when nature whispers. I expect a symphony of wild things once spring arrives.
I wait for him to come back. An hour goes by. Then two.
I hear the telltale creak again and hold my breath. I usually hear him come in at night. The kitchen door slamming. The heavy tread of his boots coming up the stairs. Now I hear nothing but the creaking on the other side of the door.
I reach over and pick up the Luger from the bedside table. I always keep it near me.
I slide out of bed and tiptoe to the door. Press my ear against the wood. Close my eyes to focus. Holding the gun in the proper two-handed grip, the way he taught me. Rehearsing every step in my head, like he taught me.
Okay, that’s it.
I fling open the door, take just one step back—so much for rehearsal—and bring up the gun. Evan jumps back and smacks against the wall, his hands flying up reflexively when he sees the muzzle glinting in front of his face.
“Hey!” he shouts. Eyes wide, hands up, like he’s been jumped by a mugger.
“What the hell are you doing?” I’m shaking with anger.
“I was coming back to—to check on you. Can you put the gun down, please?”
“You know I didn’t have to open it,” I snarl at him, lowering the gun. “I could have shot you through the door.”
“Next time I’ll definitely knock.” He gives me his trademark lopsided smile.
“Let’s establish a code for when you want to go all creeper on me. One knock means you’d like to come in. Two means you’re just stopping by to spy on me while I sleep.” His eyes travel from my face to my shirt (which happens to be his shirt) to my bare legs, lingering a breath too long before returning to my face. His gaze is warm. My legs are cold.
Then he knocks once on the jamb. But it’s the smile that gets him in.
We sit on the bed. I try to ignore the fact that I’m wearing his shirt and that shirt smells like him and he’s sitting about a foot away also smelling like him and also that there’s a hard little knot in the pit of my stomach like a smoldering lump of coal.
I want him to touch me again. I want to feel his hands, as soft as clouds. But I’m afraid if he touches me, all seven billion billion billion atoms that make up my body will blow apart and scatter across the universe.
“Is he alive?” he whispers. That sad, desperate look is back. What happened out there? Why is he thinking about Sams?
I shrug. How can I know the answer to that?
“I knew when Lauren was. I mean, I knew when she wasn’t.” Picking at the quilt, running his fingers over the stitching, tracing the borders of the patches like he’s tracing the path on a treasure map. “I felt it. It was just me and Val then. Val was pretty sick, and I knew she didn’t have much time. I knew the timing, almost down to the hour: I’d been through it six times.”
It takes him a minute to go on. Something’s really spooked him. His eyes won’t stay still. They dart about the room, as if trying to find something to distract him—or maybe the opposite, something to ground him in the moment. This moment with me. Not the moment he can’t stop thinking about.
“One day I was outside,” he says, “hanging up some sheets to dry on the clothesline, and this weird feeling came over me. Like something had popped me in the chest. I mean, it was totally physical, not mental, not a little voice inside my head telling me…telling me that Lauren was gone. It felt like someone had punched me hard. And I knew. So I dropped the sheet and hauled ass to her house…”
He shakes his head. I touch his knee, then pull my hand back quickly. After the first touch, touching becomes too easy.
“How’d she do it?” I ask. I don’t want to make him go someplace he’s not ready to go. So far he’s been an emotional iceberg, two-thirds hidden beneath the surface, listening more than he talks, asking more than he answers.
“Hung herself,” he says. “I took her down.” He looks away. Here with me, there with her. “Then I buried her.”
I don’t know what to say. So I don’t say anything. Too many people say something when they really have nothing to say.
“I think that’s the way it is,” he says after a minute. “When you love someone. Something happens to them, and it’s a punch in the heart. Not
“And you think since I haven’t felt it, Sammy must be alive?”
“I know.” He shrugs and gives an embarrassed laugh. “It’s stupid. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“You really loved her, didn’t you?”
“We grew up together.” His eyes glow at the memory. “She was over here or I was over at her house. Then we got older and she was
“That’s where you went tonight, isn’t it? Lauren’s house.”
A tear falls onto his cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb, the way he wiped my tears away on the night I asked him if he believed in God.
He leans forward suddenly and kisses me. Just like that.
“Why did you kiss me, Evan?” Talking about Lauren, then kissing me. It feels weird.
“I don’t know.” He ducks his head. There’s enigmatic Evan, taciturn Evan, passionate Evan, and now shy little boy Evan.
“The next time you better have a good reason,” I tease him.
“Okay.” He kisses me again.
“Reason?” I ask softly.
“Um. You’re really pretty?”
“That’s a good one. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s good.”
He cups my face in his soft hands, and then leans in for a third kiss that lingers, igniting the simmering lump in my belly, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and do a little happy dance.
“It is true,” he whispers, our lips brushing.
We fall asleep in the same spooning position we were in a few hours before, the palm of his hand pressing just below my neck. I wake in the dead hours of the night, and for a second I’m back in the woods inside my sleeping bag, just me, my teddy bear, and my M16—and some stranger pressing his body into mine.
