mind how, just want to see what I’m dealing with. Also kind of wondering if my wife should see it-if she sees its not just a bird I figure we can get on the same page + work out what to do between the 2 of us. Also would be nice not to have her worrying that I’m losing the bit I have! Camcorder is a little out of our budget at the mo but we’ve got a video baby monitor I could rig up. Can’t believe I didn’t think of it before-actually even better than a camcorder cos it does infrared so no need to leave the hatch open-I’ll just rig it up in the attic + away we go. I’ll give my wife the receiver to watch while dinner is on + keep my fingers xd. She might even let me do the cooking for once!! Wish us luck! And a small yellow smiley face, waving.
“‘Losing the bit I have,’” Richie said.
“It’s a figure of speech, old son. This guy kept his head when his best mate fell for his future wife: dealt with the situation, no drama, cool as a cucumber. You think he’d have a nervous breakdown over a mink?” Richie, gnawing on his pen, didn’t answer.
And that was it from Pat, for a couple of weeks. A few of the regulars wanted updates, there was some sniffiness about blow-ins who came looking for help and never said thank you, and the thread tailed off.
On the fourteenth of July, though, Pat was back, and things had gone up a notch. Hi guys, me again, really need a hand here. Just to update, I’m trying the video monitor but so far no good. Tried setting camera to catch different bits of the attic but still no go. I know the animal’s not gone cos I’m still hearing it like every day/night. Its getting louder-think its got more confident or else maybe its grown bigger. My wife still hasn’t heard it ONCE, if I didn’t know better I’d swear its deliberately waiting til she isn’t around.
Anyway here’s the update, this aft went up to the attic to see if any more leaves/wood/whatever + in one corner were four animal skeletons. Not an expert here but they looked like rats or maybe squirrels. Heads were gone. Maddest thing is they were lined up really neatly, like someone had arranged them ready for me to find-know that sounds crazy but I swear that’s what it looked like. Don’t want to say anything to my wife in case she freaks out but guys this IS a predator and I NEED to find out what kind.
This time the regulars were unanimous: Pat was out of his depth here, he needed a professional and fast. People posted links to pest control services and, less helpfully, to sensationalist news stories where small children had been maimed or killed by unexpected wildlife. Pat sounded a little reluctant (I was kind of hoping to deal with this myself-don’t like getting people in to fix stuff I should be able to sort), but in the end he handed out thanks all round and headed off to ring the pros.
“Not cool as a cucumber there,” Richie said. I ignored him.
Three days later, Pat was back. OK so pest control guy came out this morn. Took 1 look at skeletons + said can’t help you out man, biggest he deals w is rats + no way is this a rat, rats don’t line up bodies like that + rats won’t take the head off a squirrel + leave the rest-he’s pretty sure all 4 skeletons are squirrels. Never seen anything like it he said. He said maybe a mink or could be some exotic pet that some idiot had to get rid of + let go into the wild. Possibly something like a bobcat or even a wolverine, he said you’d be amazed the tiny spaces these things can slip through. He said could be specialists that would deal w it but I’m not keen on spending loads of dosh to have someone else come out here + tell me not his problem either. Also at this stage starting to feel kind of like its personal-this house ain’t big enough for the two of us!! Those little faces again, rolling and laughing.
So am looking for ideas on how to trap it/flush it out/what to use for bait/how to get proof it exists for my wife. Night before last thought I had it, was giving my son a bath + the thing started going nuts right over our heads-at first just like a few scratches but gradually built up till it sounded like it was spinning round in circles trying to scratch a hole in the ceiling or something. My son heard it too, wanted to know what it was. Told him it was a mouse-never lie to him normally but he was getting scared and what was I supposed to say?? Legged it downstairs to get my wife to come hear it, by the time we got back upstairs the noise had totally stopped, not another peep out of the little bastard all night. Swear to God it was like it knew. Lads I NEED HELP here. This thing is scaring my son in his own home. My wife looked at me like I was some kind of total looper. I need to get this fucker.
The desperation rose off the screen, hot fumes like tar smoking in ruthless sun. The scent of it stirred up the board, turned them restless and aggressive. They started jostling Pat: had he shown the skeletons to his wife? What did she think about the animal now? Did he know how dangerous wolverines were? Was he going to call in the specialist? Was he going to put down poison? Was he going to board up the hole under the eaves? What was he going to do next?
They-or, more likely, all the other things crowding in on his life-were getting to Pat: that level-headed ease was fraying at the edges. To answer your questions no my wife doesn’t know about the skeletons, I scheduled pest control guy for when she was going to the shops w the kids + he took them away. I don’t know about you but I believe its my job to take care of my wife not scare the shit out of her. Its one thing for her to hear scratching, totally other deal showing her skeletons w heads gone. Once I’ve got my hands on this thing then obviously I’ll tell her everything. Don’t exactly like her thinking I’m going mental meanwhile, but I’d rather that than have her petrified every time she has to be in the house on her own, hope that’s OK w you but if not basically tough shit.
About specialist etc: haven’t decided yet but no I’m not planning on boarding up the hole + I’m not planning on poison. Sorry if that’s not what you guys would advise but again tough, I’m the one living with this + I am GOING TO find out what it is + I’m going to teach it to fuck w my family, THEN it can bugger off + die wherever it wants but til then I’m not gonna risk losing it. If you have an actual helpful idea then yeah please feel free to contribute I’d be delighted to hear it, but if you’re just here to give me hassle for not having this under control then screw you. To everyone who isn’t being a shit thanks again + I’ll keep you updated.
At this point someone with a couple of thousand posts to his name said: Guys. Don’t feed the troll.
Richie asked, “What’s a troll?”
“Seriously? Jesus, have you never been on the internet? I thought you were the wired generation.”
He shrugged. “I buy music online. Looked stuff up a few times. Message boards, though: nah. Happier with real life.”
“The internet is real life, my friend. All those people on here, they’re as real as you and me. A troll is someone who posts bollix to stir up drama. This guy thinks Pat’s messing about.”
Once their suspicions were raised, none of the posters wanted to look like suckers: everyone had, apparently, been wondering all along if Pat-the-lad was a troll, an aspiring writer looking for inspiration (Remember that guy last year on the Structural Issues board with the walled-up room and the human skull? The short story showed up on his blog a month later? Piss off, troll), a scammer building towards a pitch for money. Within a couple of hours, the general consensus was that if Pat had been for real, he would have put down poison a long time ago, and that any day now he would be back to announce that the mysterious animal had eaten his imaginary kids and ask for help paying for their funerals.
“Jaysus,” Richie said. “They’re a bit harsh.”
“This? Hardly. If you got online more, you’d know this is nothing. It’s a wilderness out there; the normal rules don’t apply. Decent, polite people who don’t raise their voices from one year’s end to the next buy a modem and turn into Mel Gibson on tequila slammers. Compared to a lot of the stuff you see, these guys were being real sweethearts.”
Pat had seen it Richie’s way, though: when he came back, he came back furious. Look you pack of wankers I am NOT A FUCKING TROLL OK???? I know you spend all your time on this board but I actually have a fucking LIFE, if I was going to waste my time messing w someones head it wouldnt be you lot of losers, just trying to deal w WHAT IS IN MY ATTIC + if you useless twats cant help me w that then you can FUCK OFF. And he was gone.
Richie whistled softly. “That there,” he said, “that’s not just the internet talking. Like you said, Pat was a level-headed guy. To get like that”-he nodded at the screen-“he must’ve been well freaked out.”
I said, “He had reason to be. Something nasty was in his home, scaring his family. And everywhere he turned, people refused to help him. Wildwatcher, the pest-control guy, this board here: all of them basically told him to bugger off, it wasn’t their problem; he was on his own. In his place, I think you’d be well freaked out too.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” Richie reached out to the keyboard, glancing at me for permission, and scrolled back up to reread. When he was done he said, carefully, “So. No one but Pat ever actually heard this yoke.”
