The safe house

I didn’t say anything. Michael raised his hand and with just a finger lightly touched my hair. Was he going to kiss me, out here, with Danny just a few feet away? What would I do? In what must have been less than a second I imagined myself having an affair with Michael, us naked together, and then all the conflicts and anguish and betrayals. I took his hand in a friendly, sisterly fashion.

‘Thank you for the compliment, Michael, however misconceived. Come in and have a drink. Grog, or whatever you sailor types like.’

He smiled and shook his head.

‘I must get back, and out of these things. Good night, clever woman.’

I went into the house feeling that glow that you can only experience when you have been flattered grossly. As I pushed the door of the living room open, three heads, three expressions, turned towards me. Danny, with a hint of an ironic smile. Was he rebuking me for something? Elsie’s whole face glimmered as if the fire were inside her. Finn rotated slightly, like a cat that had appropriated my hearthrug and been partially stirred from a long sleep. I felt a quiver of disquiet deep inside me.

‘Look, Mummy, look,’ said Elsie, as if I had been there all the time.

‘It’s incredible. What is it?’

‘A secret. Guess.’

‘A house.’

‘No.’

‘A boat.’

‘No.’

‘A zoo.’

‘It’s not a zoo. It’s a secret.’

‘So how has your day been?’

‘I went out with Dan and Fing.’

I looked expectantly at the grown-ups.

‘We built a sand-castle,’ said Finn. ‘With stones. And tins.’

‘Thanks, Finn,’ I said. And I went and sat on the armchair and kissed Danny on top of his cross head. ‘And thank you.’

‘I’m going into town tomorrow,’ Danny said.

‘Work?’

‘No.’

It was an awkward, unsatisfactory moment, with Finn and Elsie just beside us.

‘Is everything all right?’ I murmured.

‘Why shouldn’t it be?’ Danny replied in that normal tone that I found so difficult to read.

‘No reason,’ I said.

There was a slightly unpleasant silence, during which I saw Finn and Elsie exchanging smiling glances.

‘What’s up?’ I asked.

‘Ask Elsie what’s hanging on the door,’ Finn said.

‘What’s hanging on the door of your safe house, Elsie?’

In her excitement, Elsie looked like a party balloon that had been blown up almost too far and if it were released would shoot around the room out of control.

‘There’s a spade hanging on the door,’ she said.

‘And ask Elsie what’s on the doormat.’

‘What’s on the doormat, Elsie?’

‘A sand-castle,’ Elsie said with a shriek.

‘A sand-castle on the doormat? That’s a funny thing.’

‘And ask Elsie what’s in Mummy’s bed.’

‘What’s in Mummy’s bed?’

‘A big hug.’ And Elsie ran forward and threw her arms around me. The feeble pressure on my shoulders almost made me cry. I mouthed a thank-you to Finn over Elsie’s shoulder.

Elsie wanted Finn to put her to bed but I wasn’t going to be cheated out of that and I insisted and then she insisted and I carried Elsie’s wriggling body up the stairs, promising that Finn would come and kiss her good-night and tell her a story. After I’d peeled off the wet suit and pulled on some jeans and a T-shirt, I brushed her teeth and then rather grumpily read her a book of tongue- twisters.

‘Can I see Fing now?’

‘Kiss me good-night first.’

With a sigh she pushed her lips forward and then I was dispatched downstairs to fetch Finn. She slipped past me to keep her appointment with my delinquent daughter. Danny was still sitting in the chair, but I saw he had a fresh bottle of beer. I noticed three empty bottles next to the foot of the chair.

‘Let me have a sip,’ I said, and he handed me the bottle. ‘What’s up?’

‘It’s time I was in London again, that’s all.’

‘All right.’

There was another silence and, again, it wasn’t a comfortable one. I sat on the floor at his feet and leaned back against him, feeling his knees against my shoulder-blades. I sipped at the bottle and then passed it back to him.

‘What do you think of Finn?’ I asked.

‘What do you mean?’

‘How does she seem to you?’

‘I’m not a doctor, doctor.’

‘You’re a human being.’

‘Thanks, Sam.’

‘You spent the day with her, Danny. Tell me what you think?’

‘Interesting girl.’

‘Interesting damaged girl,’ I said.

‘You’re the doctor.’

‘Do you find her attractive?’

Danny frowned.

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘When Michael dropped me off, we looked in at the house. I saw Finn stretched out on the floor in front of the fire. I thought that, if I were a man, I might find her very attractive. A lovely seductive creature.’

‘Well, you’re not a man.’

There was a silence. I listened for Finn’s tread on the stairs. Then I heard a distant giggle from Elsie. Finn would be a few minutes yet.

‘Danny, have you got a problem with this?’

‘With what?’

‘With Finn, this set-up, you know.’

I felt Danny’s hand on my hair. Suddenly he grasped it and pulled my head back. I felt his lips against mine, I tasted his tongue. His left hand ran up my stomach. I felt an ache for him. He stopped and sat back. He gave a sardonic smile.

‘You know I’d never tell you how to run your life, Sam. But…’

‘Shhh,’ I said.

There were steps outside and Finn drifted in and sat near us on the mat in front of the fire.

‘Elsie’s almost asleep. I’ve made a couple of salads,’ she said. ‘Some garlic bread. I didn’t think you’d want much. I hope that’s all right.’

‘You didn’t have any other culinary plans, did you, Sam?’ Danny asked sarcastically.

Finn giggled.

‘Sounds good to me,’ I said.

Danny drank a couple more bottles of beer. I drank wine. Finn drank water. The salads were crispy and