‘What about?’
‘It’s to do with the history of science.’
‘In what way?’
‘You don’t want to hear all about my work.’
‘Yes, we do.’ Sarah insisted warmly. ‘Remember, we’re all licensed to boast about ourselves now.’
Finn glanced across the table at me. I tried to think of some way to stop this disaster but everything that came into my mind seemed as if it would make matters worse. There was a long pause as Finn leaned over for the wine, filled her glass and then took a sip.
‘You really want to hear about this?’ she asked.
‘We’re on the edge of our seats,’ said Clyde.
‘Well, you asked for it. I’m writing a thesis on the taxonomy of mental disorders, using post-traumatic stress disorder as the principal subject.’
‘What does that mean when it’s at home?’
Finn gave me the most imperceptible of winks across the table before she replied.
‘Basically, the question that fascinated me is the extent to which a particular pathology exists before it has been named. Has it been discovered, identified or invented? There have always been broken legs and tumours. But did Neanderthals suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder after they had been in battle with their flint knives and axes?’
‘There was shell-shock after the First World War, wasn’t there?’ Clyde said.
‘Yes, but do you know where the term came from?’
‘No.’
‘They thought the explosions of the shells were causing physical damage to the nerves around the spine. The reason for this is that the condition was first given medical status after survivors of a Victorian rail crash presented symptoms of shock but no physical injuries. They assumed it was caused by the physical impact and called it “railway spine”. When similar symptoms were observed in the trenches, they assumed it was caused by Shockwaves from the shells. They needed to believe it was a version of the sort of thing they called injury. Maybe the soldiers were just displaying a natural response to the madness of fighting in the trenches. But then people with the power to do so call some of these forms of behaviour symptoms and call them a disorder and treat it in a medical environment.’
‘Do you think it’s an invention?’
‘That’s what Sam is investigating.’
‘How did you two get together?’
‘Someone in my department knew about Sam’s research. I’ve got a background in statistics and Sam had a spare room and it seemed a good idea for me to stay here for a while. I’m very lucky. I suspect that Sam’s work is going to redefine the subject and put it on a proper systematic basis for the first time. I’m just lucky to be tagging along with her for a bit.’
Sarah looked across at me.
‘Fiona makes it sound fascinating. How’s the research going?’ There was a silence. ‘Sam?’
‘What?’
‘How’s the research going?’
‘Sorry, I was miles away. Fine, it’s going fine.’
‘And she can cook as well.’
‘Yes,’ I said, feebly.
?
I absolutely wouldn’t let Finn do the washing-up. I sent her through to the living room with Clyde while I washed and Sarah dried.
‘How’s your book going?’
‘Not,’ I replied.
‘Oh dear – well, when you’ve written it, would you like me to have a look?’
‘That’d be great, except you might have to wait a long time.’
‘And how’s Danny?’
‘I don’t know really,’ I said, and to my horror I felt tears prick at my eyelids.
‘Are you two OK?’
I shrugged, not wanting to trust my voice.
Sarah glanced across at me, then meticulously polished off a spoon and put it in the drawer. ‘Fiona’s a real find,’ she said.
‘Yes,’ I said a bit gloomily.
‘She idolizes you, you know.’
‘Oh, I don’t think so.’
‘Of course she does. I was looking at her during the meal. She looks at you constantly. She was echoing your expressions, your posture. After everything she said, she almost seemed to check with you, just for a fraction of a second, as if she needed to be reassured about your reaction.’
‘That sounds almost creepy.’
‘I didn’t mean it that way.’
‘Anyway, it’s common, isn’t it, with… er, teachers and pupils. It’s like patients becoming attached to their doctors. And it’s only for a short while.’
Sarah raised an eyebrow.
‘Really? I thought she was helping with your project.’
‘She is for the moment, but this isn’t a permanent arrangement.’
‘I’m amazed you can manage without her.’
Sarah and Clyde were leaving almost at first light, so after coffee and some shoptalk, they went up to bed. Finn was lying on the floor with a book.
‘That was extraordinary.’
‘What?’
‘I almost had a heart attack when Clyde starting asking you about your research.’
Finn put down the book and sat up, her knees pulled close to her chest.
‘I felt awful for you,’ she said. ‘I just tried to think of anything I could to be convincing. I hope it was all right.’
‘All right? You made me want to read your thesis. I can’t believe how much you’ve taken in. You’re an amazing girl, Finn. Woman.’
‘It’s not me, it’s you, Sam. I’m just interested in you and your work. When Clyde asked me about what I was doing, I completely panicked for a second. Then, do you know what I did? I imagined myself as you and tried to say what you would say.’
I laughed.
‘I wish I was as good at being me as you are,’ I said.
I turned to go but Finn continued talking.
‘I want all this to go on, you know.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘I love it. Don’t smile. I really do. I love you and I love being with Elsie and looking after her. I think Danny’s wonderful. And Michael… he saved my life, really. I’d be nothing without him. I don’t know what I could ever do to pay him back for what he’s done for me.’ She looked up at me, almost pleading. ‘I want it to go on and on.’
It was a moment I had been waiting for and now I was relieved it had come. I knelt beside her.
‘Finn, it can’t. You have a life of your own. You have to go back into it, and soon. Look at yourself, you can do anything. You can do it.’
Finn’s eyes filled with tears.
‘I feel safe here, in this house,’ she said. ‘I’m frightened of outside.’
