A Mistletoe Proposal

‘I’m going home now,’ came Roscoe’s voice.

‘I’m on my way.’

CHAPTER TEN

ROSCOE’S apartment was high up in a tall, plain block, which once she would have said was typical of the man. But that was before she’d discovered the hidden, complex depths that meant there was no such thing as ‘typical’ of him.

Who would ever have thought that this man would be waiting at his open door, would pull her inside and crush her in his arms as though he’d waited all his life for this moment? Or hear him say in a shaking voice, ‘I was so afraid you wouldn’t come.’

‘Never fear that. I’ll always come if you want me.’

‘And I’ll always want you.’

He had even started to cook a meal for her. He wasn’t a great cook, but he could manage a microwave and between the two of them they managed to get something onto the table. There was much more to deal with this evening, but, as if by a silent signal, they were each taking it slowly.

‘So where do we go from here?’ he asked, filling her wine glass. ‘I leave the decision to you because it’s clear you’re several steps ahead of me. All those rabbits you produced out of the hat at the trial. You don’t need me or anyone. You’re queen of all you survey.’

‘Hey, stop buttering me up.’

‘Just trying to find the way forward, or hoping you can find it for us. There are so many things yet to be decided.’

‘Like what?’

‘Charlie. His feelings for you. I contrived the situation and, now that he’s fallen for you, how can I just tell him everything has changed and he must forget you?’

She stroked his face, taking care that he should feel her warmth and tenderness towards him because her words would be a shock.

‘You know something?’ she said. ‘Anyone hearing you say that would think you came straight out of the nineteenth century. You’re a real male chauvinist pig.’

‘Am I?’ he asked, startled. ‘How?’

‘You talk about what you can do, but what about me? Don’t I get a say? You fixed it so that Charlie should come under my influence, like I didn’t have anything to do with it. But maybe I fixed it, oh, powerful one!’

‘I guess I deserved that,’ he said gruffly.

‘Don’t get me started on what you deserve. And there’s one thing you have to understand. Charlie isn’t in love with me. When we met, he took one look at me and thought Wow!, just as we both meant him to. But it was purely physical. He’s up for new experiences and he pursued me when he thought he might get one. But there was no emotion in it. He’s closer to Ginevra than he is to me. About an hour after the trial she texted me saying, We did it!’

‘How did she know?’

‘Exactly. Charlie must have called her.’

‘Oh, no,’ Roscoe said at once. ‘I won’t have this.’

‘But it’s not up to you. You’ve got to let Charlie be himself, not some creature you’ve created.’

‘I only want to keep him out of danger. Is that wrong?’

She thought it might be impossible if, as she was beginning to suspect, danger was Charlie’s natural medium. But this wasn’t the time to say so. They had more urgent matters to attend to.

‘The point is that Charlie’s not in love with me,’ she repeated, ‘and his heart can’t be broken by us. So we’re free.’

‘Free,’ he echoed slowly. ‘Free to-?’

‘Free to do anything we want. Be anything we want.’

‘Do you have any ideas about that?’

‘Plenty. Don’t ask me to list them because that would take all night.’

He became hesitant, almost as though nervous of saying the words.

‘About…all night. Does it seem to you…?’

‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘It does.’

Like everything else in this new relationship, their love-making was tentative, cautious, watching and learning from each other. He was a patient lover, fervent, but with the control to take everything slowly. How softly his fingers caressed her breasts, and how mysterious was his smile as he did so.

She smiled back, feeling more and deeper mysteries unfold within her. The sweetness at being one with him was greater than anything she had ever known. She wanted to be with him. She wanted to be him. And she wanted it for ever.

Afterwards, he murmured, ‘Are you really mine?’

‘Can you doubt it?’ she whispered.

‘Yes. Nobody has ever been mine before.’

Before she could reply, he enfolded her in his arms again and in the passion that followed she forgot all else. But after passion came safety and contentment, both as precious as desire.

‘Nobody was ever yours before?’ she murmured. ‘Surely that can’t be true?’

‘You’d think not, wouldn’t you?’ he agreed. ‘I don’t usually go around telling people that I need them. It’s too dangerous, for one thing.’

‘Oh, yes, I know. They have to discover it for themselves.’

‘Yes. And they don’t. Except you. But before you…’ His voice died away into silence.

‘What about your fiancee?’ she asked. ‘You must have been in love with her.’

‘Yes, desperately. I thought I’d found the answer-a woman I could love and who’d love me-but it wasn’t right between us. I couldn’t be the man she wanted, giving her all my attention. She resented my other responsibilities.’

‘Did she force you to choose between her and them?’

‘In a way, yes. I can’t blame her. I put them first, but how could I not? Charlie was still basically a kid and Mother was still stuck in a state of bewilderment. They needed me. In the end, Verity and I agreed to call it a day.’

But to outsiders it had looked like a cold-hearted parting, she thought. Perhaps Roscoe bore some of the blame for that, hiding his feelings and turning a blank face to the world, but it had left him in terrifying isolation. He’d said that nobody had ever been his before, and it was true. Pippa clasped him more closely, seeking to offer him a warmth and love that would make up for the aching loneliness in which he’d lived, a loneliness that left him always prepared for betrayal, ready to expect it as natural and inevitable.

Now she recalled the words with which he’d greeted her, a few hours and a lifetime ago.

‘Why did you think I wouldn’t come? Surely we’d agreed?’

‘Yes, but I thought you’d remember that you were angry with me, and with reason. I behaved badly.’

‘When? I don’t remember.’

‘When I discovered that you knew something I hadn’t told you, about my father. You’ll despise me, but I couldn’t bear that. It made me feel spied on.’

‘You like to control how much people know about you,’ she mused. ‘It’s safer, isn’t it?’

‘Much safer. No-’ he checked himself instantly ‘-it feels safer but, if you give into it, it’s actually the way to go mad. Once I knew what you’d discovered, I had to head in the other direction, even though leaving you was the last thing I really wanted. But it was like being driven by demons.’

‘Mmm, I know about those demons,’ she murmured. ‘They scream, This way lies safety. So you take that path, but you find that it leads to a howling wilderness, then to a cage. And you know you must escape it soon or there’ll never be a way out.’