A Mistletoe Proposal

‘You have to decide whether you want to live in that cage for ever, or venture out and take the risks of being human,’ he agreed. ‘But if you don’t take those risks-’ his arms tightened about her ‘-then you stop being human. And perhaps you need to find the one person who can make you want to take them.’

‘Then maybe it’s time I took a risk,’ she said.

‘How do you mean?’

‘Asking you about your father. You’ve already told me to back off-’

‘I didn’t mean-’

‘But I’m not going to do that. I’m going ahead, even if it makes you angry. Perhaps you need to be angry, so tell me what happened when he died. Were you very close to him?’

‘Close?’ He seemed to consider the word. ‘I hero-wor-shipped him. I thought he was a great man, starting from nothing and building up a huge business. He had power and that was wonderful. Which just goes to show how naive I was. I was as immature in those days as Charlie is now.

‘I was so proud when he took me into the business, told me I had the brains for it. We were a team, working together to conquer the world, so I thought. It was only after he died that I discovered the mountain of debt, the rip-offs, the deceit. He’d lied to everyone; my mother, who never knew he had a succession of mistresses bleeding him dry; virtually everyone he ever worked with, and me, who trusted him totally, was so proud at being close to him, and then discovered that we weren’t close at all.

‘I’d been so smug, so self-satisfied, sure of my place inside the loop, and all the time I’d been kept on the outside, like the fool I was.’

Pippa pulled herself up, turning so that she could look down at his head on the pillow. ‘Don’t put yourself down,’ she said.

‘Why not? A fool is the kindest thing I can call myself. If you knew how ashamed and humiliated I felt at how easily he took me for a ride. He knew he could deceive me more than anyone else.’

‘Because you were his son and you loved him,’ she urged. ‘He made use of that. Shame on him, not you.’

In the dim light she could just make out his wry smile.

‘That’s the sensible point of view. Back in those days it didn’t help a distraught boy who’d been conned by a father he damn near worshipped and only found out when it was too late to ask any questions. He was dead. I went to see him lying on a slab-cold, indifferent, safely gone beyond the world, beyond me. I wanted to scream at him- why hadn’t he trusted me? We could have fought for the business together. But he’d chosen to walk away, leaving me behind.’

‘He rejected you,’ she said softly, ‘left you stranded without warning. No wonder you’re sensitive about what other people know about you.’

‘Stranded without warning,’ he murmured. ‘Yes, that was it. Suddenly I was standing on the edge of a cliff that I hadn’t even known was there. No way forward, no way back, nobody I could talk to.’

Nobody I could talk to. The words were like an epitaph for his entire life. His bond with his father had been an illusion, his mother took everything and gave little, Charlie took everything and gave nothing. He was like a castaway stranded on a desert island.

‘Was anyone with you when you went to see him on the slab? Your mother?’

‘No, she couldn’t bear very much. There were so many things she mustn’t be allowed to know.’

‘The other women?’

‘Yes. She’d heard rumours, I denied them, swore that I’d never heard of his being untrue to her. I was afraid she’d kill herself as well if she knew. It’s ironic. I blame Charlie for telling stupid lies, but I’ve lost count of the really black lies I’ve told, the deceptions I’ve arranged, the people I’ve bribed to stay out of my mother’s way in case they let something slip.’

‘That’s different. Sometimes you have to lie to protect people you love. That’s not the same as self-serving lies. I don’t suppose you told her the state the firm was in either.’

‘Not completely. I hinted that we weren’t as prosperous as we might be, but I spared her the worst. Sometimes I think stocks and shares are the only part of my life where I’m actually honest.’

‘Deception doesn’t make you dishonest,’ she said seriously. ‘It’s the kind of deception that counts. You’re the most honest man I’ve ever met. I know that Roscoe, because I know you.’

After what he’d told her about how he resisted anyone’s eyes, it was a daring thing to say. Perhaps it was too soon for him to relax under a knowing gaze, even hers. But then she saw his face transfigured by joy and relief.

‘You know me,’ he echoed softly. ‘That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. Now I’ll never let you go.’

Heaven must be like this, she thought, nestling against him. If only they could be undisturbed for ever.

Pippa was to remember that feeling because, looking back, she could see that it was the moment everything began to fall apart. She wondered if it was the Christmas carol that triggered the catastrophe or if it would have happened anyway, for she awoke next morning to find herself in a dark wilderness.

She tried to shake it off, wondering how she could feel this way after the wonderful events of the night before. But the darkness seemed to be rooted in those very events and her confusion grew.

Roscoe was still clasping her with loving possessiveness, which should have touched her heart but suddenly seemed like a threat. She began to ease away.

‘Don’t go,’ he said. ‘Stay here a little longer.’

‘I can’t,’ she said. ‘I’ve got work to go to. So have you.’

He grinned. ‘To hell with work. To hell with the markets.’

Another time she would have teased him fondly for such an attitude, but now she needed to get away from his warmth and gentleness, far, far away from everything that made him lovable. She must think, calm her howling demons, refuse to let them ruin her life.

She slipped out of bed and went to the window, pushing it open a little way. It was a bright, fresh morning with a little snow in the air and she stood taking deep breaths, trying to make the darkness lift.

She could do it-just a few minutes more.

But then Roscoe did the thing that made her efforts collapse. He turned on the radio and the sound of a Christmas carol floated out. As Pippa heard the words she stiffened.

‘On this happy morning,

All is well with all the world.’

All is well. Once before she’d heard those words, just before the betrayal that had devastated her.

‘Don’t catch cold,’ he said, coming up behind her and putting his arms about her. ‘Hey, what’s the matter?’

‘Nothing,’ she said hastily. ‘Nothing.’

‘You’re shaking.’ He shut the window and drew her back. ‘Come back into the warm.’

But she tensed against his embrace, resisting him silently, unable to meet his eyes.

‘Now the sun will always shine,

Joy is here for ever.’

But joy hadn’t been there for ever. Joy had ended in the next few moments, leaving her unable to hear that carol again without reliving terrible memories.

Roscoe tightened his embrace, tried to draw her closer, felt her fight against it.

‘Pippa, for pity’s sake, what’s the matter? It’s not the cold, is it? There’s something else.’

‘No, I…I just have to be getting to work. And so do you.’ She gave a brittle laugh. ‘We still have to be sensible.’

‘Sensible? You dare say that to me after the way we were together last night? Was the woman who lay in my arms and cried out to me to love her being sensible? Was I being sensible when I gave her everything I was and received back everything she had in her soul?’

Pippa didn’t reply. She couldn’t. There were no words for the terror she was feeling. Roscoe’s face darkened.

‘Or didn’t I?’ he said. ‘Was I fooling myself about that, because the woman in my bed would never have wanted to be sensible?’