A Mistletoe Proposal

never.

Then let it be never. Better for him. I’d only break his heart.

Yet she began wandering past Trafalgar Square every night on her way home, standing there, apart from the crowd, trying to listen to the carols without hearing them. But it was no use. The darkness did not lift and after standing in the cold for an hour she would turn and make her way drearily to the nearest underground station, trying to find relief in the thought that this self-inflicted punishment would soon be over, and she could be strong for another year.

‘I won’t go back in the future,’ she murmured. ‘I can’t.’ Just one last visit, she thought. Then never again.

‘And you’ll come with me,’ she said, taking up Mad Bruin from his place by her bed. ‘We’ll say goodbye together, then maybe you’ll understand and stop nagging me. And tell her to stop nagging me. Not that she ever does stop. Look at that.’

The exclamation was drawn from her by one of Dee’s diaries, on which Bruin had been sitting, and which fell to the floor when he was moved. Picking it up, Pippa found it falling open at a page in the centre. Dee had written:

I suppose I’m a bit mad. I swore I’d never marry him. I even ended our engagement. That broke my heart. I thought I was doing the best thing, but who gave me the right to decide for both of us? When he came back to me, injured, vulnerable, I knew that my place was by his side, no matter what.

We’re marrying now because I’m pregnant, so I don’t know if he really loves me. But IT DOESN’T MATTER. I love him, and that’s what matters. Nobody knows the future. You can only love and do your best. Perhaps it won’t work. Perhaps he’ll leave me.

Here some words were scribbled in the margin. Pippa just managed to make out her grandfather’s writing: Daft woman! As though I could.

Dee went on:

I’ll take that risk and, at the end, whenever and whatever the end will be, I’ll be able to say that I was true to my love.

‘You were so strong,’ Pippa murmured. ‘If only I could be like you. But I can’t.’

She put the diary carefully into a drawer, then tucked Bruin into her bag and hurried out.

She could hear the carol singers from a distance and ran the last few yards, suddenly eager to see the beautiful tree, its lights streaming up into the darkness, promising hope. That hope would never be hers, but she would carry the memory of this night all her life.

A vendor was wandering through the Square, holding up sprigs of mistletoe and doing a roaring trade as couples converged on him, paying exorbitantly for tiny sprigs, then immediately putting them to good use. Tears sprang into Pippa’s eyes as she watched them.

All around her people were singing. Someone was yelling, ‘Come on, everyone. Join in.’

But she couldn’t join in. That was the one final step that was still beyond her courage. Sadly, she pressed Bruin against her cheek before turning away.

But then someone crashed into her from behind and made her fall to the ground, sending him flying.

‘No,’ she cried. ‘Where are you-where-?’

‘It’s all right; I’ve got him,’ said a familiar voice, and she found herself looking into Roscoe’s eyes.

He helped her to her feet and pressed Bruin back into her hands. ‘Take care of him.’

‘How long have you been there?’ she stammered.

‘Since you arrived. And last night, and the time before. I know why you’ve come here and I’ve followed, hoping that what you found here would make you believe in me again.’

‘But I do believe in you. It’s myself I don’t believe in. I’m afraid.’

‘You? Never. You’re not afraid of anything.’ He made a wry, gentle face. ‘Many people are afraid of me. Not you. That was the first thing I liked about you.’ He went on, almost casually, ‘I could do with you around just now. Vanlen’s turning nasty and your moral support would mean a lot to me.’ He gave a small grin. ‘Plus, of course, your legal expertise.’

‘I heard the merger was abandoned and he didn’t like it.’

‘Since a certain night, I want nothing further to do with him. He blames me for you knocking him back.’ He gave a grunt of laughter. ‘If only I could believe that. I could hardly tell him that you have no more use for me than for him.’

‘That’s not true; you know it’s not,’ she whispered. ‘It’s because you matter so much that I-’

‘If I could have spoken freely I’d have told him that you’re a woman so special that I’d take every threat he could throw at me, make any sacrifice asked and call it cheap at the price. Except that there is no price. There never was and there never could be. What isn’t given freely has no value.’

Pippa clutched her head, almost weeping. ‘You make it sound so wonderful, but I have nothing to give.’

‘That’s not true. You’ve already given me things that matter a million times more than anything else in my life. If you choose to be more generous it will be the most precious gift of all. If not, I’ll always live in the knowledge that I knew the most glorious woman in the world, and my life was better for knowing her.

‘If you won’t marry me, Pippa, I’ll never marry anyone else. I’ll live alone, dreaming of you. It’ll be a sad life when I think of what could have been mine instead. Will you abandon me to that loneliness? Do you love me so little that you’ll do that to me?’

‘No,’ she cried. ‘I love you with all my heart; it’s just that…the fearful part of me is still fighting it. If only I could…if only…’

Everything in her yearned towards him. If only she could find the inspiration that would take her that last step into the unknown.

But it wasn’t unknown. It was filled with problems, fears, difficulties, but also with love. That much she knew. As for whether the love would be enough, that was up to her, wasn’t it?

Nobody knows the future. You can only love and do your best.

Dee’s words seemed to echo so resoundingly that she gasped and looked up, almost expecting to see the mysterious presence.

‘Where are you?’ she whispered.

Here, the presence replied. Here, there and everywhere. In your heart.

‘What is it?’ Roscoe asked.

‘Nobody knows the future,’ Pippa repeated slowly. ‘You can only love and do your best. She knew that. She tried to tell me.’

Roscoe had laid all that he was, all he had and all he ever could be at her feet. He could do no more. Now the future lay in her hands.

‘Roscoe,’ she said, reaching out to him, ‘if only I could-’

‘But you can,’ he said. ‘You can if you believe. We can do it together because now I know the way.’

The choirmaster was just waiting to start the next carol. Roscoe tugged at his arm, spoke a few words and the man nodded. The next moment the first notes of ‘A New Day Dawns’ floated out on the air.

‘Not that one,’ she said quickly.

‘Yes, that one,’ he said. ‘That’s the one that haunts you, and once we’ve defeated it together, the way is clear for us. Don’t you see?’

‘Yes, I do, but-’ Still the fear lurked.

He took her face between his hands.

‘No buts. From now on we face everything together, including this. Especially this. So now you’re going to sing this with me. Understand?’

‘Yes,’ she whispered.

‘Then do it. Do it now, I order you. Yes, I’m a control freak and a manipulator, but so are you. When we’re married I’ll give my orders and expect you to do as I say. But be honest, my darling. You’ll give your orders and expect me to do as you say. And I will. In the end we’ll know each other so well that nobody will have to give orders. We’ll each know how to please the other.

‘And, since you’re a bigger control freak than I am, it’ll be me doing most of the obeying. But this time it’s me