For His Little Girl

'This is a real beach,' Josie said ecstatically. 'No pebbles, just miles and miles of sand. Can we go and see it now?'

'Not now,' Pippa said quickly. She could feel her strength running out by the minute.

''Oh please, Mummy.'

'What about jet lag after that long flight?' Luke asked.

'I haven't got jet lag, honestly, I haven't,' Josie insisted.

'But your mom has. She's an old lady and she needs her rest.' He grinned at Pippa. 'You do look done in. Go and crash while I take Josie to the beach.'

There was nothing she wanted so much. She returned to their room and made a conscientious effort to finish the unpacking, but suddenly weariness came over her like a wave and she lay down thankfully on the bed.

She was aware of Luke slipping into the room and drawing the curtains against the light. He neared the bed, and his footsteps paused for a long moment, as though he'd stopped to gaze at her, then he left the room. As she heard the door close behind him, Pippa's mind was beginning the slide into blissful sleep, trying not to heed the thoughts that reached out to snag her on the way.

What will you do when you can't use jet lag as an excuse? You're a young woman and you move like an old one…always out of breath…always needing an excuse to lie down…what about when the pain comes? Dear God, let this go well! Josie is going to need her father so much… Don't let them suspect before I'm ready to tell them…

Luke enjoyed nothing better than an excuse to visit the beach. He and Josie were gone for three hours, and by the time they returned home, father and daughter were thoroughly pleased with each other. As they approached the back door Luke was laughing at some idiotic remark of the child's, when Josie put a finger theatrically to her lips.

'Don't wake Mummy,' she said.

'Think she'll still be asleep?'

'Mummy gets tired a lot. She's always napping during the day, 'cuz there's so much to do for the boarders.'

'Well she's not going to work while she's here. We'll spoil her. Why don't you go and have a shower while I rustle up something to eat?''

Josie skipped off into the bedroom, but Luke saw her emerge a moment later, clutching some clothes, her finger to her lips.

'She still asleep?' he asked, and received a vigorous nod.

Luke went quietly past her and up to the bed. Pippa was lying on her face, one arm hanging over the edge, in exactly the same position as when he'd left her three hours ago. Sleeping like the dead.

Which was strange, because Pippa had never slept like that.

She was a compulsive twitcher. He remembered one particular time years ago when she'd asked, 'Luke, what are you doing on the floor?''

'I spent the entire night on the floor. It was more comfortable that way, you mad woman.''

'Meaning? Meaning?'

'Meaning that being with you is like trying to sleep with a flailing windmill. You punched me in the eye once, and where your knee landed I'd rather not think of.'

'Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.'

'Don't be sorry. Just keep your knees to yourself,' he remembered saying.

Josie came into the kitchen while Luke was just about to dish up an egg concoction. She was wearing jeans and a shirt and shining from the shower.

'Coming up!' he exclaimed, heading for the place at the bar that he'd laid for her.

But Josie seemed not to hear him. She was gazing at the picture of Pippa and herself, standing in its place of honor. Luke put the plate down slowly. He'd seen the blissful smile on her face and knew he would need to tread very carefully for the next few minutes.

'What are you thinking?' he asked gently.

'Is it-here all the time?'

For a crazy instant he toyed with a fantasy in which the picture was always on show to an admiring world. It was so easy to say what women wanted to hear, and he'd never thought twice about it before.

Except once, years ago, with a girl whose honesty brooked no compromise, and who'd made him honest, too-at least for a while. It hadn't been anything she said, just the look in her deep brown eyes, always expecting the best from him. The same eyes in another face were watching him trustfully now.

'No,' he admitted. 'You and Mommy have been my special secret.'

'Mummy said-' Josie didn't seem to know how to go on.

'What did she say?'

'She said she knew you loved us but-'

'Yes?'

'But you had another life, and we weren't part of it.'

For once Luke was stuck for something to say.

''She said you knew lots of other people now, and maybe they didn't know about us and-'

He thought fast. 'You were too precious to share. I've kept you for myself.'

Josie smiled and seemed satisfied. She didn't know that she'd done what no other woman had ever managed: made Luke totally and thoroughly ashamed of himself. He recovered, but only with an effort.

'Why don't we get this eaten, while it's still good?' he said. 'I'll make some more for Mommy when she's awake.'

The little girl frowned. 'Why do you say Mommy? It's Mummy.'

'It's Mummy in England. Over here it's Mommy.''

Josie frowned. 'But Mommy's wrong. It's Mummy.'

He set his chin. 'Mommy!'

She set hers. 'Mummy!'

''Mommy!''

'Mummy!''

''Oh, boy, are you ever her kid! Stubborn, argumentative-'

'What's argu-?'

'It means that nobody else ever gets the last word. She was just like that.''

And about the damnedest things, he remembered:

'Pippa, what are you doing on the floor?' Luke had asked, the night following his sleep on the floor.

'I'm trying to go to sleep.'

'Then get into the bed. I'm sleeping on the floor.'

'You slept on the floor last night. And according to you, it was all my fault. You said I was twitching, which was a black lie-''

'I said you kneed me in the groin, and I have the bruises to prove it. Don't expect any action from me tonight.'

'So sleep well and recover, fast!'

'Think I'm a ninety-eight pound weakling, huh? Pippa, get into that bed.'

'Nope. I'm sleeping on the floor.'

'So am I.'

'And so am I!'

'We can't both sleep on the damned floor!'

'Right! G'night Luke! I'm sleeping here. So off you go!'

'Pippa, stop that, y'hear me? I'm ticklish. No, stop it. Gerroff! Now will you stop?'

'Thought you were out of action tonight.'

'Guess I'm not so bad as I thought.'

'Mmm!'

A while later he asked, 'Wouldn't it have been more comfortable in bed?'