had something so wonderful and special. I know it now. I used to tell you that I loved you but I didn’t know what the words meant. But I could tell you now, if only I could be sure that you wanted to hear. Oh, darling, such things I could say to you now!’
He stirred again and she held her breath, wondering if he’d heard her. He seemed to be still asleep but his hands moved across her body. She should wake him now, and stop him doing this, but the excitement he was setting off confused her.
She wished that she were wearing something beautiful, a glamorous, flimsy concoction such as a woman chose for her lover. The nightgown she had on was made of cotton, and buttoned up to the neck. Its matronly style fitted the way she saw herself these days, but it was out of keeping with the fierce sensations that were coursing through her.
His fingers had found her buttons, were undoing the top one, then the next and the next. She did the rest herself, wrenching at them so fast that the last one flew off. It was she too who pulled the sheet back so that her nakedness lay next to his.
‘Ellie…’ The word was a whisper.
‘Yes, darling, I’m here. Hold onto me.’
She clung to him too, kissing him without restraint, loving him with the pent-up love of years. ‘Hold me,’ she repeated.
His mouth covered hers eagerly. She welcomed him in, offering her whole self, keeping nothing back. Whatever he needed now, that was what she wanted to give.
He moved like a man urgently pursuing something he had long desired. His hands seemed to know instinctively how to find her, roving lovingly over the hills and valleys of her shape. Now she too was free to explore him and sense what she’d only suspected before, the power of him, the taut hardness of his muscles. He had been designed to please a woman, and everything in her responded.
He kissed her breasts, first one then the other, his tongue caressing her gently, teasing the nipples to peaks of desire. She’d never known that anything could feel this good. She was coming into her own, claiming what had always truly been hers. She reached for him.
And then Andrew raised his head. His eyes opened.
And with brutal suddenness the dream was over. She saw the shock in his face as he realised what was happening, heard his horrified cry of, ‘My God,
CHAPTER NINE
ANDREW wrenched himself out of Elinor’s arms and for a moment he covered his eyes with his hand, as though engulfed by some feeling that was too much for him. Bitterly she realised that he couldn’t even bear to look at her.
‘Andrew-’ she said desperately.
‘No, for pity’s sake! Ellie, this isn’t the way I wanted it, can’t you understand?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, scarlet with embarrassment. ‘I didn’t mean to-’
‘It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come here tonight. It’s not fair on you.’
She could hear him talking fast, trying to put a different light on this, anything rather than admit that he’d found himself with a woman he didn’t want. It was part of his kindness, she thought wretchedly, to try to make her feel better, but nothing could do that.
She was frantically buttoning up her nightdress, keeping her head down, but she was still aware of hasty movements as he covered his nakedness.
‘Dear God!’ she wept.
‘Ellie, please believe me, I didn’t come here for this. When I arrived tonight I was going to explain, and then leave. That would have been best for both of us, and I swear it’s what I meant.’
‘Stop, stop!’ she said in an agony of shame. ‘Do you think anything you say now can make it right? You’re right, you shouldn’t have come here. No, no, I didn’t mean that. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have called you, I shouldn’t have come to this house. I should have realised that “Mr Martin” was an invention. I’m not a child to believe in Santa Claus.’
‘Don’t blame yourself. It was something I wanted to do for you.’
‘Why?’ she demanded. ‘Why should you do anything at all for me? You hate me. You have done for years.’
‘I’ve never hated you.’
‘Oh, no, you rise above that, don’t you?’ she raged. She didn’t know why she was turning her temper on him, except that it made her pain more bearable. ‘Simple revenge would be beneath you, but heaping coals of fire on my head is different. Was that what it was all about? Make me realise what I threw away? Make me really regret it? Was that the idea? Because if so it was unworthy of you.’
‘Ellie, what is this?’
‘You know very well what it’s about. I really made a fool of myself, didn’t I? Just like I did once before, remember, that day on the island? And you turned away from me then, too. You’d think I’d learn, wouldn’t you?’
‘That other time was different. There was love then. But this-’
‘What about “this”? I made a fool of myself again. Or did you make a fool of me? Because that makes us quits, doesn’t it? After all this time you finally did it.’
‘Stop it, for pity’s sake!’
She didn’t hear him. ‘So let me tell you the rest, then you can really enjoy it. Jack Smith was a drunk who knocked me around, and Tom Landers was a control freak who walked out on me when Hetta was ill. And all the time I knew it was my own fault and I was being punished for what I did to you-’
His hand over her mouth cut her off. Nothing else would have done so. She was adrift in another world where there was only the sound of her own voice saying terrible things to silence her agony of embarrassment.
‘You must be mad to talk like this,’ he said, dropping his hand and taking her by the shoulders. ‘What have I done to deserve it? You make me sound like a monster of spite, and if that’s really what you think then I’m surprised you waste two seconds on me.’
‘I didn’t mean that,’ she choked.
‘I think you did. I think you’re coming out with all the hostility you spared me twelve years ago. Maybe I really did have a lucky escape. Or maybe we both did.’
Silence. He dropped his hands. They stared at each other, aghast.
A shudder went through him. He moved away from her and spoke over his shoulder.
‘Let’s call it a day. We’ve both said things tonight that should never have been said, and we have to forget them. In fact we have to forget everything that’s happened. It was a mistake to think we could meet each other as though the past didn’t exist.’
‘Yes,’ she said bleakly.
He turned slightly, making a visible effort to pull himself together. ‘I’m sorry for everything. You have enough to bear without me adding to it. Go back and get some sleep now. I apologise for disturbing you.’
‘Please don’t mention it,’ she said politely.
Somehow she got out of the room. She made it along the corridor to her own room, shut the door and sank onto the bed, overtaken by violent shivering. She was cold, so cold. If only she could cry. But no tears would come. She felt she’d cried her last tear long ago.
She meant to be downstairs first next day, but Andrew was there before her, in the kitchen, making coffee. He smiled briefly and set one before her.
‘Thank you for letting me stay,’ he said politely. ‘I needed that sleep.’
He still looked jaded and she wondered how much sleep he’d managed to get after she’d left.
‘You’re really doing double duty, aren’t you?’ she managed to say. ‘Isn’t Sir Elmer back from the flu yet?’
‘It turned nasty and he was away longer than we expected, but with any luck he’ll be back this week. It’ll give me a chance to catch up with my paperwork.’
‘And your sleep,’ she suggested.
