Gustavo’s lips twisted in mockery, perhaps of his ex-wife, perhaps of himself.
‘Did Crystal plead with me to release her darling child, and I cruelly broke off all contact between them?’
‘Something like that.’
‘God, what a mess! Do I have to tell you that Crystal could have taken her if she’d wished, but she didn’t? The clown she’s living with doesn’t want Renata hanging around, and Crystal didn’t put up a fight. She dumped her daughter and left without a backward glance.
‘She doesn’t even keep in touch. She’s supposed to call Renata, but she doesn’t bother. If I call her she makes an excuse and hangs up.’
‘I see,’ she said slowly. ‘It’s just that Renata told me-’
‘What? It’s best if I know. What has the poor little soul told herself now?’
‘She says Crystal bought her a cellphone and they talk every day.’
Gustavo dropped his head into his hands.
‘She does have a cellphone,’ he said at last. ‘I bought it to help them stay in touch. And I can tell you, Crystal never calls on it. What’s more, she keeps her own cellphone switched off, so Renata can’t get through. I get the phone records sent to me every week so that I can tell what’s happening.’
He gave a grunt of harsh laughter, then said with terrible bitterness, ‘It would be nice if my child confided in me, but since she doesn’t, the phone records keep me up-to-date.’
‘Oh, heavens!’ she breathed. ‘I wish I knew what to say.’
‘Saying things is useless. It doesn’t make anything better. I found that out long ago.’
‘And Renata blames you for all this?’
‘Of course. It’s that or admit that her mother doesn’t want her. What is the poor little thing to do? I long to help her, but I seem to be the one person who can’t. I’m floundering.’
He gave her a painful smile.
‘This is quite like old times. Do you remember how I used to confide in you?’
She almost gave an exclamation of shock. He’d confided in her? Had he? She searched her brain for anything that could have given him such memories, but although she could remember long talks as they rode or walked together, she could recall nothing she would have described as personal confidences. And yet that was what he remembered.
‘I know we talked a lot,’ she said cautiously. ‘Especially when we were here.’
‘I used to enjoy those talks,’ he said. ‘I always felt that I could tell you everything I was thinking, and you would understand. I’d never felt that with anyone before. Or since.’
‘But the things we talked about-’ she stammered ‘-they were just-’
‘It didn’t matter what we talked about. Your mind was always there with mine. Or at least, that was what you made me feel. It was a good feeling.’
She was stunned. Had she been so absorbed by her own feelings that she’d failed to appreciate that Gustavo placed his own value on their relationship, a different one from hers?
For the first time it struck her that there had been something self-centred in her love. She’d fallen for Prince Charming, but she’d had no insight into the thoughts of the real man.
‘Of course,’ he added, ‘years spent living with a woman who couldn’t have cared less what I was thinking may have heightened my impression of you. Joanna, I can’t tell you what it’s like seeing you again. When Carlo told me he’d made an arrangement with Mrs Manton I had no idea it would be you.’
‘And you’re not sorry that it is?’
‘Of course not. It’s marvellous to me that we should have met again like this. I’ve thought of you so often through the years.’
Joanna turned a wry, disbelieving face towards him, making him ask, ‘Why do you look at me like that?’
‘I should think I’m the last person you’d want to remember.’
‘Why? We had no quarrel. I have only the kindest memories of you. Unless you’re referring to the fact that I behaved badly.’
‘You didn’t. You behaved honestly. And ending our engagement suited me too. You know that.’
‘But not the way it happened, surely?’
‘You mean with me looking like a jilted wallflower?’ she teased. ‘Come on! I was never that. You should have seen me dancing at your wedding?’
‘Yes, I did. Dance after dance with the same man. Who was he, by the way? Nobody I asked seemed to know him.’
She was almost knocked breathless by the discovery that Gustavo had noticed her that day and enquired about her partner. She had thought him oblivious.
‘He was a friend of a friend. He dropped a lot of names, and acted like he belonged there. That’s his style, charming his way through life and being so convincing that nobody challenges him.’
‘You talk as though you know him well.’
‘His name is Freddy Manton,’ she said with the air of a conjurer producing a rabbit from a hat.
‘You mean-?’
‘I married him.’
There was a slight clatter as he set his glass down sharply.
‘Were you in love with him all the time? You jumped at the chance to break up with me because of him?’
‘No way. That was our first meeting. After that I didn’t see him again for a year. Then we bumped into each other again and things happened. It had nothing to do with what happened to you and me.’
‘I see,’ he said slowly, and she couldn’t tell if he was glad or disappointed.
She drained her glass, and Gustavo immediately refilled it for her.
‘Careful,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to get tipsy.’
‘You won’t. I remember what a good head you always had.’
She gave a crack of laughter. ‘What a thing to be remembered for!’
‘I remember everything,’ he said quietly. ‘Everything. Don’t you?’
CHAPTER FOUR
DID she remember everything? she wondered. What about the things she’d tried so hard to blot out?
‘Yes, I suppose I do,’ she said.
‘One thing that always puzzled me is why you ever let yourself be part of that merry-go-round.’
‘Blame Aunt Lilian,’ she said. ‘She really belonged in the nineteenth century, when things were done that way. I suppose I just got on board and didn’t know how to get off.’
‘Until the last moment, when you jumped off in a panic. Forgive me, Joanna. I never realised that you were being forced.’
‘It wasn’t quite like that,’ she said quickly.
‘I wish I knew exactly how it was. After we broke up I wanted to talk to you before the wedding, but I didn’t know what to say.’
‘There was nothing. It had all been said.’
‘Had it?’ he asked in a low voice. ‘Or could it never be said?’
‘Both, of course. Look-’ she set her glass down, leaned forward and gripped his hands ‘-what’s the point of being wise all these years later? It’s over. It happened. We’re different people now.’
He nodded. ‘It’s strange. I once knew you so well, and now I know nothing about you.’
You’re mistaken, she thought. You never knew the most important thing about me.
‘I’m glad you married,’ he said. ‘I hope you had some good years before your divorce. You deserve the best.’
‘That’s nice of you.’
‘I’m not just saying it. I still remember your generosity. If you only knew how much I admired you at that time. You were strong and I was-’ he shrugged ‘-I just had to put myself in your hands.’
‘And you hated that,’ she said wryly.
