you anywhere.’
She remembered the dining room well. In this grandiose room she and Gustavo had been toasted on the night of their engagement. Now it had a livelier air.
It was a good evening with plenty of laughter. Carlo was there, also the children, with Laura. They had spent the last couple of hours riding. Renata was already skilled and Billy was learning.
‘So that’s where you were,’ Gustavo said to Renata. ‘I looked for you.’
Joanna watched the little girl, remembering the harsh things that, according to Billy, she had said about her father. Surely they could not be true?
Renata maintained a cool demeanour towards Gustavo, but when he wasn’t looking at her she would fix her eyes on him with something that might have been longing. If he glanced back at her, she hurriedly turned away.
Gustavo wanted to hear all about the dig.
‘I suppose it’s too soon to have discovered anything significant,’ he said.
‘Much too soon,’ Joanna said. ‘We’re still in what Hal calls the “getting-dirty-with-nothing-to-show-for-it” stage.’
In this way she tossed the ball to Hal, who, being naturally talkative, seized it. He then monopolised the conversation, although once he did say, ‘You should really talk to the chief. She’s a terrible slave-driver. We’re all scared of her.’
Everyone laughed and Joanna said, ‘So I should hope.’
She stayed mostly quiet, letting the others talk. Sometimes Gustavo darted a curious glance at her, but he seldom spoke to her, although she was sitting at right angles to him, at the head of the table.
After the meal Laura announced that it was time for the children to go to bed. Billy and Renata said their goodbyes politely. Renata allowed her father to kiss her cheek but she didn’t kiss him back. Nor did he try to make her. He simply stood still while she left the room without a backward glance at him.
The sight of this big, impressive man seemingly beaten into submission by a child’s hostility made something catch at Joanna’s throat. She turned away, feeling as though she was invading his privacy.
Suddenly the evening had lost its savour for her, and, as though she had X-ray vision, she divined that it was the same with him. He talked and smiled, but a snub from a little girl had quenched a light inside him.
He did his duty to the last minute, escorting them up the stairs and saying goodnight as though he had all the time in the world. But she knew that secretly he was longing to escape, and her heart ached for him when first one person, then another had ‘just one more thing’ to say.
But at last it was all over, everyone had gone to their rooms and the corridor was quiet. Joanna noticed a faint beam of light coming from under Billy’s door, and went in.
‘You should be asleep, not reading,’ she said.
‘Honestly, Mum, how can anyone sleep with that racket going on outside?’ he said, sounding aggrieved. ‘Why do people always say goodnight at the tops of their voices?’
‘All right,’ she said, recognising some justice in this, without actually being fooled by it. ‘They’ve all gone now, so put the book away.’
‘OK, Mum.’
They hugged each other and she slipped out into the long, wide corridor. The lights had been turned low and it was a moment before she realised that she wasn’t alone. Gustavo stood a few yards away, his hand resting on the handle of Renata’s door.
It was on the far side, and a slight bend in the corridor meant that she could plainly make him out, even in the gloom. She saw him try the handle, then again, until he was forced to accept that the door was locked.
For a long moment he stood there. Then he spoke and Joanna thought he said, ‘Please, my darling.’
When there was no reply he leaned his head against the door.
Joanna moved away very quietly, knowing that he must never realise that she had glimpsed his private pain. She managed to get into her room and close the door unseen, and stood leaning back against it, eyes closed.
She had come here hoping to find a scene of domestic contentment that would help her draw a line under the past. Instead she’d discovered misery, bitterness and the destruction of the very marriage she had sacrificed herself to bring about.
It was late and she supposed she ought to go to bed, but her mind was seething and she knew there would be no sleep tonight. All evening she’d been aware of Gustavo. While she sat near to him at the table she had sensed him through every fibre of her being, every breath she drew.
Now she was even more aware that his room was just opposite her own. She listened for the sound of his footsteps returning along the corridor, but then stopped, impatient with herself.
I ought to go away from here, she thought. Go! Go now!
But she knew she wasn’t going to go.
She went to the window and looked out over the countryside, the fountain in the garden, lawns fading into the darkness of the trees. An owl hooted softly in the distance.
From here she could see exactly the place where she had stood one evening, longing for Gustavo to come out and share the moonlight with her. In the end he had joined her, but their conversation had been stilted and uneasy.
Suddenly the beauty of the night was irresistible. It called to her, promising at least a kind of peace after the tensions of the day. She hurried out into the corridor, down the stairs and out onto the stone terrace.
Does nothing about this place ever change? she thought. Then, now-it might be the same night.
But one thing was different, she realised as a sound from the corner made her turn her head in time to see the shadow sitting there unfold, stand and approach her.
‘How did you-?’
‘How did I get here so quickly? I came down the back stairs. It was you in the corridor, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes, I’m sorry. I wasn’t prying. I’d just been in to say goodnight to Billy and-’
‘It’s all right. You need not explain. I hoped that since I’d been away she might-well…’ He shrugged.
Now she could see better in the darkness and she realised there was a low table with a bottle of wine and two fluted glasses. He filled one and handed it to her.
‘Were you expecting someone?’ she asked.
‘Yes. You.’
She didn’t waste time with arch questions. Of course he had known she would be here.
‘It was so hot inside that I had to come out for some fresh air.’
Gustavo nodded. ‘I come out here every night to sit quietly and let the cares and strains of the day fall away. They’re always there again tomorrow, but this gets them into perspective.’
‘Renata blames you for everything, doesn’t she?’
‘Is that a guess or do you have inside information?’
‘Well, she talks to Billy a lot-’
‘I thought that might be it, from the wary way he looked at me.’
‘I’m sorry, he doesn’t mean to be rude-’
‘Don’t be sorry. If she’s got a friend she can talk to that’s the best thing that could happen. I know she doesn’t talk to anyone else, even Laura. And she needs someone because her life has been turned upside down in so many ways. I expect you know all about it by now.’
‘I’d heard that you and Crystal weren’t together any more.’
‘Did you also hear that she bore a son by another man?’
‘Yes,’ she admitted.
‘Well, then, you know everything,’ he said heavily.
‘Gustavo, I wish I knew what to say. It must have been terrible for you-’
But he shook his head. ‘I don’t matter. Renata loved her little brother. A lot of children would have been jealous, but she has a loving heart and she adored him. Then it was all taken away, mother, brother, the home life she’d known. She has to lash out at someone, and I’m the nearest, so I’ve become the biggest monster in creation. What am I supposed to have done?’
‘Prevented Renata’s mother taking her when she left,’ Joanna said sympathetically.
