Wife And Mother Forever

that?’

‘Yes, of course. I did even then. But knowing why you’re behaving intolerably doesn’t mean you can stop yourself. I knew I was driving her further away from me every day. And I still couldn’t stop.

‘I saw her start to hate me and it made me worse. The more her love died the more I tried to force it back, and of course I failed because no woman can love a monster and tyrant for very long.’

‘Don’t say that about yourself,’ she cried passionately.

‘It’s the truth. I know what I am and I can’t be anything else.’

‘You can,’ she said stubbornly, ‘because now you’ll have me.’

He came forward in the faint light and stood beside her where she was sitting on the bed. She felt his warmth and breathed in the thrilling spicy scent of him as he put his hands on each side of her face, gazing down at her.

‘I’ve told myself that,’ he whispered, ‘a thousand times when I’ve been trying to believe that I had every right to bind you to me. But I’ve always known that I have no right at all.

‘Once I started thinking about Margaret I began remembering other things, how much I loved her at first, so much that it frightened me. But that didn’t stop me turning into-what I became, what I still am. I destroyed Margaret and sent her off to her death. I won’t risk doing that to you.’

She answered by reaching up, running her hands over his naked body and pulling him down beside her.

‘Stop talking so much,’ she said fiercely. ‘It’s all words. They don’t matter. I know there are problems but we can beat them-like this-and this-’

She was kissing him as she spoke, speaking to him on the deeper level where they could find each other. But even as she did so she knew that this wasn’t the way to convince him. She possessed his heart and his body, but his mind was fighting her. Without all three, he could never be truly hers.

As if reading her thoughts, he gave a convulsive jerk and pulled himself free.

‘Evie, don’t, please-’

‘You can’t destroy me,’ she said passionately. ‘I’m strong.’

‘Yes. Strong enough to fight me, and fight me with the most devilish weapons, because you know the ones I find hardest to resist. But is that the love either of us wants? She fought me. In the end we did nothing else but fight, and I think-’ his voice shook, as though the next words tore him apart ‘-I think, at last, I was actually trying to drive her away.’

‘But why?’

‘Because I learned to do that, long ago. Life’s less painful if I’m the one who’s doing the rejecting. I told you I was a coward at heart. Accept it.’

‘I won’t accept it because it isn’t true. A coward could never have made the journey that you did to find out about your mother.’

‘But it was your journey, that I took because you made me. Without you I’d have shut myself away in my steel trap. Let me tell you about that trap, because you need to know about it, and fear it. I was living there when we met. It’s a small place, because that way I can guard every inch. It has two barred windows, but they’re small too because it’s easier to keep out the world that way.’

‘Don’t,’ she cried in agony, putting her hands over her ears.

But he pulled them away and kept a firm grip on her wrists.

‘You’ve got to know,’ he said harshly. ‘You’ve got to understand what I have to do.’

‘I don’t want to hear any more about that cage. We broke it open and we’re taking it to pieces.’

‘Once I thought so. If you only knew how I hoped for that, because you could break it open if anyone could. But you can’t. Not even you.’

‘I don’t believe you’re giving up on us that easily,’ she cried.

‘Because you don’t know what I’m really like, the shadows inside me that I can’t get rid of, not even now. That’s why I have to make the decision for both of us, but don’t ever call it easy.’ He looked at her out of haggard eyes. ‘Forgive me, Evie. Try to forgive me.’

‘I won’t forgive you,’ she flashed. ‘We’ve been given such a precious gift, and you’re throwing it away.’

‘Because the man I’ve grown into can’t do anything else. Don’t you see? That’s the cage, and that’s why it’ll never be destroyed. I have to live in it, because for me there’s no longer any choice. But I’m damned if I’ll imprison you in there with me.’

‘And what about Mark?’

‘Mark’s found what he needs with his new family. You did that for him, and I’ll always be grateful.’

‘And I’m supposed to just shrug my shoulders and go away, leaving you to shrivel?’

‘You deserve better than to live in a cage.’

‘Don’t you?’

‘It’s a safe place. There’s no feeling there.’

‘Don’t try to tell me you’re unfeeling,’ she raged helplessly. ‘I know better.’

‘You think you do.’

‘Do you think a woman doesn’t know if a man loves her when she’s with him, when they lie together? I’ve seen your eyes and heard you whisper my name. You can’t shut out those times or pretend they didn’t happen. They were wonderful.’

‘They were very enjoyable,’ he said harshly. ‘We’re good in bed together. Nobody could deny that, but let’s not get sentimental about it.’

His voice fell cruelly on her ears, leaving her too shocked to speak.

‘You really fight dirty,’ she whispered.

‘Have you only just discovered that? Well, it’s time you found out, and you’re better off knowing the worst of me.’

‘Stop trying to frighten me.’

‘If you’re not frightened, you ought to be. Go away from me, Evie. I just hurt everyone I touch. I can’t help it. I wish we’d met years ago, but now it’s too late for me. Can’t you understand that?’

‘No, and I won’t believe it,’ she flashed.

‘What can’t you believe? That I can plan to leave you at the same time as doing this?’

He pulled her hard against him, cradling her head for the most crushing kiss he’d ever given her. She returned it in full, driven as desperately as he. Like him she had something to prove, and she tried to prove it by more than meeting him halfway. Where he had been tender before, now he made love fiercely, but she contended with him in ferocity.

Only a few minutes ago she’d told herself that to unite with him physically but not mentally would be useless. Now she abandoned all thoughts of his mind. This might be her last chance, and she would win the game in any way she could.

And victory felt in her grasp with every fevered caress. He had said he couldn’t do ‘three little words’, but he could love her with power and abandon, revealing the depths of his need with every movement. Her answering love was a promise from her soul. He must sense it and answer it. He must.

But in the last moments she felt her victory slipping away. It was over. He had loved her tonight as never before and, in that mood, he would sever himself from her for ever. She sensed that through her skin, her heartbeat.

When at last they lay in each other’s arms she felt his face against her skin and knew that he was weeping.

Then she wept with him.

Evie told herself that she had been here before. A relationship that had looked promising came to an end and she was once more a free agent. There was sadness but there was also relief at her escape.

That was then. This was now.

In the past she had always been the one to call a halt, fearing for her liberty. This time it was like being tossed into a black pit.

She had loved Justin with an intensity of feeling that she’d never known before, giving herself to him, body, heart and soul, with a completeness that had surprised even herself. To love and be with him always had become more important than anything in life, even liberty.

Sometimes she could work herself up into hating him, reminding herself of his cruel words about getting