Wife And Mother Forever

‘Yes,’ came his voice after a moment, and even that one word, tinny and distorted as it was, had the power to move her.

‘I just want you to know that Mark is quite safe. He’ll be on his way home in a few minutes. Please don’t worry.’

‘I don’t worry if he’s with you, but I’m sorry he troubled you.’

‘He’s no trouble. And Justin-I’m glad-about his mother-’

‘It was what he badly wanted. I should have seen that at the start. He says he’s told you his idea.’

‘For me to come to the funeral, yes, but it doesn’t seem right.’

She stopped, hardly daring to let herself think further ahead.

Then he said, ‘He wants it badly, but of course I’ll understand if-I couldn’t really expect you-’

‘I’ll come, of course I will. I didn’t think you’d want to see me there.’

Silence. She wished she knew what she could read into it.

‘Mark misses you,’ he said at last. ‘I think it would mean a lot to him.’

Say that you miss me, she thought wistfully.

Silence.

‘Then I’ll come.’

‘I’ll send my driver to collect him. Thank you for looking after him today. Goodnight.’

‘Goodnight,’ she said, trying to match his formal tone although it hurt her that they should have to be polite, like strangers.

‘You’re coming?’ said Mark, who’d been listening. ‘That’s great.’

‘Yes, I’ll be there.’

‘Did Dad sound angry?’

‘No, he wasn’t angry, he was just-he wasn’t anything.’ That was the only way, she realised, to describe the sense of blankness that had reached her down the phone.

But telephones made everything different. It would be all right when she saw him.

‘While we wait,’ she said cheerfully, ‘why don’t you tell me some more about Christmas? Did you find it a bit quiet, because Italians don’t really celebrate Christmas. They wait until Epiphany on January 6th.’

‘Yes, but Nonna said ’cos I was English I must have presents at Christmas, like always. And then, when it was Epiphany, she said I must have more presents because that’s what everyone did. I tried to say I didn’t expect two lots of presents, but Nonna told me I’d just have to put up with it.’

‘I can just hear Hope saying that,’ Evie mused, relishing the picture.

‘And I learned lots of Neapolitan words. I remembered them for you.’

They chatted in this way until the bell rang, announcing Justin’s driver. He said he would call for her again to take her to the funeral in two days’ time, and bring her home afterwards.

When Mark had gone she plunged into her work and tried to think of nothing else. But pages passed before her eyes, making no impact. In the end she took the motorbike and rode at speed for hours until she no longer knew where she was. Which pretty much described her whole life, she thought.

For once the speed didn’t bring the usual sense of release. She knew now that she was fleeing something that would always lie in wait, just ahead.

When the day came she chose an austere dark blue suit, and checked her appearance again and again. She was trying to stay calm, knowing that soon she would meet Justin again for the first time in months. And he would look different to her, because now she knew that he kept her picture with him all the time.

She wouldn’t let herself think of what might happen then. That way lay madness. But, despite her good resolutions, the thought of seeing him after the long lonely months, studying his face, the way he smiled at her, all these made her heart beat faster.

Finally the cemetery came into view and at once her mind began to replay her last visit, in early summer when the leaves were green and the sun was high. Now it was the depth of winter-cold, wet, and miserable.

Mark came to meet her at the church door, taking her by the hand.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered. ‘We’re all ready.’

She was startled by the bleakness she found inside. As Mark had said, there was only himself and his father, with no family on his mother’s side. Justin was standing in the front row with his back to her. He turned as she approached, and at first she didn’t recognise him.

He was older and thinner, but that wasn’t the worst of it. His face now had the hard, withered look that she’d feared to see.

‘Hallo,’ she greeted him softly.

He seemed to take a moment to respond, as though not quite sure where he was. Then he inclined his head a little towards her.

‘Thank you for coming,’ he said politely. ‘It was important to Mark.’

‘I’m glad he wanted me.’

The priest appeared, wanting to know if they were ready to begin. Justin nodded and glanced at Mark, who went to stand beside him, taking Evie’s hand in his so that she was on his other side.

It was a short service. There was very little to be done. Justin kept his eyes fixed on the flower-covered coffin. Watching him, Evie remembered what he had told her about Margaret, how much he had loved her, and how it had all turned to hate.

What was he thinking now? Was Margaret there in his heart again at this moment? Was there any room left for herself?

They moved outside to where the grave had been dug. Now she could see more clearly the flowers on the coffin-two bouquets of roses. One bore a card in Mark’s childish hand.

To Mummy, with love always.

The card on the other was from Justin. It said simply, Thank you.

When the graveside rites were concluded Mark squeezed her hand, as if to say that everything was all right now. Evie looked at him, touched by the way he was reaching out to her, even at this moment.

Justin’s face was like a rock, revealing nothing.

Everything was unreal. How could she be here with him, her heart alive to him as though the lonely separation had never been? As the service concluded, she saw him look at her. She went to stand in front of him, daring him not to face her.

‘Are you really glad I came?’ she asked. ‘Not just for Mark’s sake?’

He took a long time to answer and a chill crept through her.

‘Yes, I’m really glad to see you,’ he said at last. ‘I’ve wondered how things were with you.’

‘And I’ve wondered about you, whether you were well, how life was treating you.’

‘It’s treating me fine, as you can see.’

No, I can’t see that. I can only see that your face is tense and weary, as it was when we first met.

‘Do you see much of your family?’

‘We have a standing invitation to Naples. Mark can go more often than I can, but Hope and I get on well.’

I thought I’d banished that defensive look from your eyes, but it’s there again, and perhaps it always will be.

‘I’m glad of that,’ she said firmly.

‘You did that for me, and I’ll never forget it.’

No, in the end there was nothing I could do for you, my love.

‘What about you? Have you been back to Italy?’ he asked desperately.

‘There hasn’t been time. I’ve been swamped in work.’

‘Well-I’m glad your career’s going well.’

‘Yes, very well, thank you.’

I’m grabbing all the work I can find. It fills the hours.

She’d been deluding herself with false hopes about this meeting. He hadn’t wanted to see her, and now he was struggling for something to say.

‘The driver will take you back as soon as you’re ready,’ he said. ‘I hope we haven’t taken up too much of your valuable time.’