them.
I m not entirely helpless, said Molly.
I still have a few charms left on my ankle bracelet.
I glanced at her carefully. Just how low are your magic levels at the moment?
Low, said Molly. I might be able to manage some impressive fireworks and whizbangs, but that s about it.
Then we need the car, I said.
Don t be smug, said Molly. Or I ll hit you with my pony.
We drove steadily on through the early-evening London traffic. Cars and taxis and bendy buses flowed past, and the pavements were packed with people hurrying about their everyday business. No one paid the Phantom any undue attention, thanks to Uncle Jack. Droods aren t supposed to be noticed. At least half our job is to keep people from noticing the very threats we protect them from. Droods are trained from an early age to deal with all the wonders and horrors of the hidden world, but even we have problems dealing sometimes. Humanity isn t ready to learn who and what they share this world with. Of course, if I couldn t find a way to bring my family safely home, Humanity might start finding out the hard way. There are all kinds of things out there who only play nice with everyone else because they know we re watching.
It didn t take long to get where we needed to be. The Merlin Glass had followed my instructions to the letter, and we were soon easing up the Mall, with Buckingham Palace straight ahead. I smiled complacently at all the other cars, obediently paying London s exorbitant congestion charge. Droods are exempt. In fact, we re exempt from all the annoying intrusions of the Establishment s bean counters. Perk of the job.
You do know where you re going this time? said Molly.
London is my territory, I said grandly. I was a field agent here for years before I even met you. Now, admittedly, I don t know the city as well as I once did. My old armour had the equivalent of a sat nav built in. Complete maps of London and all its environs programmed into the torc, ready to be downloaded directly into my mind, as and when required. The rogue armour doesn t have that. So I m having to work from my own personal memories.
So, what happens when we get lost? Molly said sweetly.
You get to ask for directions. But I don t think that s going to be necessary. Look up ahead. See the big palacey thing at the end of the Mall? Buck House, in all her glory.
Yes, I can see the palace, Eddie; I m just not sure why we need it. Madame O said we needed the Department of the Uncanny.
So she did. She also said we d find it at Big Ben. And how likely is that? Something that obvious, that public? How much do you know about the D of U?
I know the name, said Molly.
Then you re ahead of most people, I said.
It s one of those very old, very secret, secret organisations that the government won t even admit exists. Originally founded by Dr. Dee, Queen Elizabeth I s unofficial spymaster and magician general, alongside the more specialised Carnacki Institute. The Department of the Uncanny s remit is to defend the Realm from supernatural attacks, from within as well as without. More by gathering information and organising other people than by getting involved themselves. Mostly. It is possible they were originally put in place as an answer to the Droods, if we should ever get out of hand. On the grounds that the Department could always be relied on to put England s interests first.
It strikes me that there s so many of these secret organisations, it s a wonder they don t end up tripping all over each other, said Molly.
They have a lot of ground to cover, I said.
And they re all very jealous when it comes to guarding their own territory. The last thing anyone wants is a civil war in the hidden world over who s in charge of what. The Department of the Uncanny exists to defend the nation. The Carnacki Institute deals with ghosts and other mortally challenged incursions. The London Knights deal with otherworldly and other-dimensional threats. And MI-13 used to deal with supernatural intelligence; our spies versus their spies. The Droods deal with Major League Weird Shit. Worldwide threats.
Couldn t all these supernatural agencies work together to cover the Droods workload until they return? said Molly.
All the organisations I ve just mentioned are British based, I said patiently. They have British aims and responsibilities. The Droods may live in England, but we guard the whole world. We are Humanity s shepherds, their shamans and protectors. All of this country s departments working together couldn t do what we do.
Fancy yourself much, do you? said Molly, amused.
This is why my family has always taken duty and responsibility so seriously. I said. You ve never really thought this through, have you? Droods have field agents in every country and in every major city; there isn t a country or a culture on this planet that doesn t fall under our protection.
You used to run the world, said Molly. I remember. I was there when we put a stop to that.
We exist to protect all of Humanity.
Two World Wars and an extended Cold War. Good going
We protect Humanity from outside threats, I said carefully. From things like the Hungry Gods and the Apocalypse Door. It s our job to stand between Humanity and all the nonhuman things that threaten us. It s not our job to get involved in tribal squabbles.
Molly turned right round in her seat to look at me. Is that really how you see it?
It s how we have to see it, I said.
We can t take sides. We re here to help, not meddle, and sometimes that means standing back and letting things happen. Even when it breaks our hearts. Or we really would be the Secret Masters of Humanity. We may have lost our way for a while, but we re back on track now. The world needs my family, Molly.
Whether they want you or not?
Sometimes, yes.
Tell me more about the Department of the Uncanny, said Molly, staring straight ahead. Suddenly that seems like a lot safer conversation.
Okay, I said. They re basically an information-gathering organisation, evaluating all kinds of data gleaned from every corner of the hidden world to see if it poses any threat. They share information with a great many other organisations, and take occasional action on their own. They have an excellent reputation. I never had any direct dealings with them myself back when I was just the local field agent. As part of the Establishment, that made them part of Matthew s territory. Back when he was very much the senior London agent. I never got a look in. He had his own circle of intimates and connections, inside men and informers, to which I was never granted access. If I needed to know such things, I had to go to him, and didn t he just love that, lording it over me. I suppose those people are still on the files somewhere. To be honest, I was happy enough to let him deal with that kind of stuff. I was never what you d call diplomatic, in those days. I had issues with authority figures.
I had noticed, said Molly. You never did replace Matthew, did you?
I kept meaning to, I said. London s been without a proper field agent for far too long. I know that. It s probably why Philip MacAlpine and MI-13 were able to get so out of hand with no one noticing. I thought I could just come back here and take over again once I stepped down as head of the family.
They booted you out, the ungrateful bastards!
They voted me out, I said with some dignity.
And I was happy enough to get out from under the burden of command and run away back to London. But it s been just one damned thing after another. I kept being called back to the Hall to deal with things no one else could. They re never going to let me be just a field agent again. I m going to have to put someone else in charge of London. Someone I can trust It s right there on my list of things to do the moment I get my family back. If they were still here, I could have just asked where to find this Department. Someone would have known. I haven t a clue.
Madame O said to go to Big Ben, Molly said stubbornly.
Yes, but obviously she didn t mean that literally! It has to be some clever allusion or riddle or something equally irritating, and I don t have the time or the patience to work it out. No, the best way to find one secret organisation is to ask another. They love to rat each other out and show off how much they know that they re not
