‘I’ll explain why you’re going,’ he said. ‘I’ll tell her that you know that she doesn’t really hate you, and that you love her too.’
‘Thank you,’ she whispered. She didn’t seem to be able to stop crying as she walked through the screen door for the last time and out to the front where Roger was waiting by the car.
‘Come on then, waterworks,’ he said gruffly. ‘I’ve got your cases.’
‘Alice,’ said Will as she was about to get into the passenger seat, and she paused, a hand on the door and one foot in the well. ‘Thank you,’ he said simply. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done for Lily, and for me.’
Unable to speak, she nodded.
‘And remember what I said about being here if you ever change your mind,’ he added, his voice strained, and Alice bit her lip to stop the tears spilling over once more.
‘I will,’ she said. Then she ducked her head as she got into the car and closed the door, and Will could only watch in desolation as Roger drove her away.
CHAPTER TEN
THERE was so much post piled up behind the front door that Alice had to push her way into her cramped hallway. The flat smelt musty and unused, and even when she had switched on the lights the rooms seemed cheerless. Perhaps it was something to do with the dreary drizzle and the muted grey light of a wet Spring afternoon, she thought, and tried not to think of the aching blue ocean, the mint-green lagoon and the vivid colours of hibiscus and bougainvillaea.
Her feet had swollen on the long flight, and she kicked off her shoes with a weary sigh as she sat down on the cream sofa. This was the home she had worked hard for, the home she had been insistent she wanted to come back to. It represented everything she had ever wanted: security, stability, being settled at last. She had decorated it with care in the cool, minimalist style that appealed to her, and it had been her refuge whenever things had gone wrong.
Until now, she had always thought of her home as calm and restful. There was no reason suddenly to find the ivory walls cold, or to notice the roar of the traffic along the busy road outside, the dismaying wail of a siren in the distance, and the intrusive blare of a television next door.
No reason to find herself overwhelmed with homesickness for a verandah thousands of miles away, where the insects whirred and rasped and shrilled, and the scent of frangipani drifted on the hot air. Alice looked at her watch and calculated the time in St Bonaventure. Will would be sitting there now, still and self-contained, listening to the sound of the sea he loved so much.
The memory of him was so sharp that Alice closed her eyes as if at a pain. Was he thinking of her? Was he missing her?
She had thought about him constantly since Roger had driven her away. The worst thing was realising that she hadn’t said goodbye, to him or to Lily.
His words went round and round in her head. It’s only ever going to be you, Alice. Lily and I will be here for you if you ever change your mind and think you can take a chance on being loved…
‘I don’t understand what the problem is,’ Beth had said. ‘Why are you putting yourself through all this misery? Will loves you, Lily loves you, and you wouldn’t be this upset about leaving if you didn’t love them back.’
‘Love’s not the problem,’ Alice had tried to explain.
‘Then what is?’
‘It’s everything else. It’s not being sure if love would be enough.’ She’d twisted her fingers in an agony of indecision. ‘Yes, I could go back to Will now, but it would mean giving up my whole life for something that might not work out. It didn’t work out last time, so why should it now?’
‘You know yourselves better now,’ Beth had pointed out, but Alice hadn’t been convinced.
‘I’m not sure that I do. I feel differently here,’ she’d said, waving her arms at the tropical garden. ‘But who’s to say that what I feel is real? It might just be about being on holiday in a beautiful place. Maybe I’m just getting carried away by the romance of it all.’
Beth had looked thoughtful. ‘Then perhaps Will is right. You need to go home and see how you feel when you’re there. He’s told you that he loves you, and he’s not going anywhere, so it’s up to you to decide what you want.’
It was deciding that was the problem, Alice thought in despair. She who had always been so clear about what she wanted before was now being tossed about in a maelstrom of indecision that was making her feel quite sick. One minute the thought of never seeing or touching Will again seemed so awful that she was ready to jump into a taxi and rush back to the house by the lagoon, the next she would think about selling her flat and committing herself to an expatriate life where they would move from house to house and none of them would be a home. And she would be swamped by memories of her childhood and all the times she had sworn that as soon as she was old enough she would settle down and make a home for herself.
She wasn’t ready to give that up, Alice told herself. At least, she didn’t think she was…
She was having to readjust so many of her ideas at the moment, that it was difficult to know
‘It’s not so far-fetched an idea,’ Beth had said. ‘Roger was in love with you for years.’
‘He confessed to Will once when he’d had too much to drink, and he was always grateful that Will never told you. He thought it would have embarrassed you if you’d known.’
‘But I…But I…’ Alice had floundered in disbelief. ‘I had no
‘Roger knew that. He’d probably have been better to have told you and got you out of his system, but you know what fools men can be about these things,’ said Roger’s fond wife.
Alice regarded her curiously. ‘Didn’t you mind when he told you?’ she asked a little awkwardly, not at all sure it wasn’t a bit tacky to ask a man’s wife how she felt when she’d found out he was in love with you.
‘No,’ said Beth, smiling. ‘He told me that when he met me he realised that what he’d felt for you wasn’t the real thing, and I believe him. I know Roger loves me, Alice. He loves you too, but in a very different way. I’ve always been sure of that.’
‘It must be nice to be so sure,’ said Alice wistfully, and then her face darkened as she remembered Will’s bitter accusations. ‘I can see why Will might be suspicious, I suppose, but it doesn’t change the fact that he actually thought me capable of coming out here and making a play for Roger.’
Beth sighed. ‘He apologised for that, didn’t he? The man’s desperate, Alice! If you won’t go and see him, will you at least ring him?’
But Alice shook her head. ‘It wouldn’t be fair to do that until I was sure, the way you’re sure about Roger, and I’m not. Helen’s arriving today. It would just upset everyone if I went back now. My flight’s tomorrow, and we’d just end up having to say goodbye all over again. No, I’m going to go home, and when I can think clearly again maybe I’ll know how I feel.’
It was all very well deciding to think about her situation clearly, but it wasn’t that easy in practice. Alice was convinced that all she needed was a good night’s sleep and to wake up in her flat and suddenly she would know what to do, but it didn’t work like that.
She did her best to get back into a routine as quickly as possible. She unpacked, shook the sand out of her shoes, washed and put away her holiday clothes and set about finding a new job. She filled in application forms, bought herself a smart new suit for interviews, and contacted friends she hadn’t seen before the break-up with Tony.
Grimly determined to enjoy herself if it killed her, she went out as much as she could. Once she bumped into Tony and Sandi, and was appalled to discover how indifferent she felt as the three of them made polite chit-chat. She had been sure that Tony was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, but how could she have wanted him when he didn’t have Will’s mouth or Will’s smile or Will’s ironic grey eyes? But, if her feelings towards him could change so completely in a matter of months, who was to say that her feelings for Will wouldn’t change too?
