Oh-So-Sensible Secretary

‘I think it’s time to call an end to our pretence,’ I said. ‘It’s served its purpose.’

Phin sat back and regarded me steadily. ‘Has Jonathan come through?’

‘We had a talk in Aduaba,’ I admitted. ‘He said he wanted to try again.’

‘And what did you say?’

‘I said I’d think about it.’

‘I see.’

I bit my lip. ‘The Glitz article has come out. Even Jewel’s given up on you.’ I tried to joke. ‘There’s nothing in it for you any more. We should pretend that it’s over now.’

‘Is that what you want?’

‘To be honest, Phin, I don’t know what I want at the moment,’ I said with a sigh. ‘It’s all been…’

I tried to think of a way to describe how it had felt, but couldn’t do it. ‘I’m confused,’ I said instead. ‘You, Jonathan, Africa, this new job…I don’t know what I feel about any of it. I don’t know what I’m doing any more.’

‘You seemed to know exactly what you were doing earlier this morning,’ said Phin.

I could feel the colour creeping up my throat. ‘I got…carried away,’ I said with difficulty. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise for it,’ he said almost angrily. ‘Getting carried away isn’t always a bad thing, Summer.’

‘It is for me.’ Restlessly, I got to my feet. Hugging my arms together, I went over to the window and looked down at the commuters streaming towards Charing Cross.

‘My mother’s spent her whole life being carried away by one thing or another,’ I told him. ‘I was dragged along in her wake, and all I ever wanted was something to hold onto, somewhere I could stay, somewhere I could call home. That’s why my job has always been so important to me. I know it’s not a high-flying career, but I like it, and I do it well.’

I turned back to Phin, trying to make him understand. ‘This morning…that was so unprofessional. When I saw Lex, I thought he was going to sack me. I wouldn’t have blamed him, either.’

‘He wouldn’t have sacked you. I wouldn’t have let him.’ There was an edge of irritation in Phin’s voice as he got up to join me at the window. ‘It was only a kiss, Summer, not embezzlement or industrial espionage. You should keep it in perspective. It wasn’t that big a deal.’

‘For you, perhaps,’ I said tautly. ‘You don’t care about this job. You don’t really want to be here. I know you’d rather be off travelling, challenging yourself…there are so many things you want to do. It’s different for me. My job is all I’ve got.’

There was a long silence. We stood side by side, looking out of the window.

‘Perhaps it’s just as well Lex interrupted us when he did,’ said Phin at last.

‘I’ll find you a replacement PA as soon as I can.’

‘There’s no hurry,’ he said, turning away, restless again. ‘I was thinking of taking off for a while. One of the crew on the Collocom ocean race has been hospitalised in Rio, and they’ve asked me if I could fill in on the next leg to Boston. I just heard today. I said I’d ring tonight and let them know.’

Why was I even surprised? Had I really thought he would persuade me to change my mind? Phin would never be happy to stay in one place for long.

‘What about things here?’

‘There’s nothing urgent. The projects we’ve set up will keep ticking over, and if not maybe you could keep an eye on them. Otherwise I was just due to do PR stuff, and I might as well do that on a yacht. Gibson & Grieve is one of the race’s sponsors, so Lex can’t complain-especially not when he’s taken my PA away from me!’

It would always have been like this, I realised. Me clinging to the safety of my routine, Phin always in search of distraction. It could never have worked. We were too different. Better to decide that now. Phin was right. It was just as well Lex had come in when he had.

‘So…what will we say about our relationship if anyone asks?’

‘You could tell everyone you got fed up with me never being around,’ he suggested. ‘That would ring true. Everyone knows I’m not big on commitment.’

They did. So why had I let myself forget?

‘Or you could say that I wasn’t exciting enough for you,’ I offered. ‘Everyone would believe that.’

‘Not if they’d seen you take down your hair this morning,’ said Phin with a painful smile.

There seemed nothing more to say. We stood shoulder to shoulder at the window, not looking at each other, both facing the fact that it was all for the best. I wondered if Phin was feeling as bleak as I was.

‘Well,’ I said at last, ‘it looks as if it’s all change for both of us.’

‘Yes,’ said Phin. He turned to look at me, and for once there was no laughter in the blue eyes. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done, Summer. I hope Lex knows how lucky he is.’

‘Thank you for all the doughnuts,’ I said unevenly.

‘They won’t be the same without you.’

I wanted to tell him that I would think of him every time I had coffee. I wanted to tell him that I would miss him. I wanted to thank him for taking me to Africa, for making me feel, for refusing to let me give up on my dreams. But when I opened my mouth my throat was too tight to speak, and I knew that even if I could I would cry.

‘I must go,’ was all I muttered, backing away. ‘I’ll see you before you go, I expect.’

I don’t know whether it made it easier or not, but I didn’t see him. He sent me an e-mail saying that he had got a flight the next day and that he’d be out of contact for a while.

‘I know you’re more than capable of making any decisions in my absence,’ he finished. ‘Enjoy your promotion-you deserve it.’

I tried to enjoy it. Honestly I did. I told myself endlessly that it was all for the best. I had the job I’d always wanted and a salary to match. I would be able to save in a way I never had before. If I was careful, I could think about putting down a deposit on a studio at the end of the year. What more did I want?

Whenever I asked myself that, Phin’s image would appear in my mind. I could picture him in such detail it hurt. That lazy, lopsided grin. The blue, blue eyes. The warmth and humour and wonderful solidity of him. The longing to see him would clutch at my throat, making it hard to breathe, and I wanted to run down the stairs, back to his office, to throw myself onto his lap and spin and spin and spin on his chair as we kissed.

But his chair was empty. Phin wasn’t there. He was out on the ocean, in the ozone, the wind in his hair and his eyes full of sunlight. He was where he wanted to be.

And I was where I wanted to be, I reminded myself, coming full circle again. I threw myself into work, and mostly people left me alone. There hadn’t been any need for an announcement. With Phin gone, and me concentrating fiercely at work, I think most people assumed that we’d split up. They eyed me sympathetically and murmured that they were very sorry. I was just glad not to have to talk about it.

It was very different working for Lex. There were no coffee breaks, no doughnuts. Lex never sat on my desk or held my stapler like a microphone or pretended to make it bite me. It would never occur to Lex to call me anything but my name, and he wasn’t interested in my life outside the office.

Not that I had much of one. Anne worried about me. ‘You went to all that trouble to get Jonathan back,’ she pointed out. ‘I don’t understand why you won’t go out with him now. It’s not like he isn’t trying. He’s always asking you out, and this time he sounds serious. Look at all those hints he’s dropped about getting married.’

‘I don’t want to marry Jonathan,’ I said. ‘It wouldn’t be fair.’

‘Because you’re in love with Phin?’

I didn’t even try to deny it, but there was no point in thinking about Phin. I had to be realistic.

‘I do like Jonathan-I actually like him more now than I did when I was in love with him-but if I married him it would just be because he’s got a steady job and is ready to settle down. That’s not a good enough reason. I know that now. I’ve got my own steady job,’ I told Anne. ‘I don’t want a relationship for the sake of it. I’ve realised that I don’t need to rely on anybody else to make me feel safe. If security is what I want, I have to make it for myself. I’m earning a decent salary now, and I can think about putting down a deposit soon. I’m going to buy my own place, and then I’ll be safe.’

Anne made a face. ‘I know security’s important to you, Summer, but don’t you want more than that?’

I pushed Phin’s image firmly away. ‘Feeling safe will be enough,’ I said.