“You
“I’m saying it’s a decision with which you have to come to terms. You can’t hide your head in the ground and ignore the facts.”
“I don’t even know if they are facts or if it’s some outrageous myth. I don’t know anything about Eshe.”
“Neither do we. We can’t give it to enough people to gather a full picture.”
“So you pick and choose?”
She nodded. “What else can we do?”
“On what basis?”
“Do you want me to say we have rules? We don’t. Sometimes it’s someone who is brilliant and has much still to give to the world. Sometimes it’s only someone whom we cannot bear to lose.”
“No rules?”
“Choice. They have to agree.”
“And what of their families?”
“We aren’t monsters, but the quantities are scarce. Each person we choose to receive Eshe is allowed five vials of their own. No more.”
“And they have to choose who in their family is to live, who is to die?”
“I never said we were perfect. We do what we can.”
“I couldn’t do it.”
“You could do it. I did.”
“You didn’t do it. You had no children.” She stiffened as the thought sank home. “Children-is the reason you have no children because of Eshe?”
“At first I thought it was, but there have been other women given Eshe who later conceived and gave birth.” Her lips twisted. “So I cannot blame it on the potion. I’m just barren.”
“And what of the children? Are they frozen in time like you and Tarik?”
“You mean, do they never grow up? Eshe doesn’t work like that. Growth takes place the way God intended. When the growth ends, the aging stops.”
“But you couldn’t know that. You must have taken horrible chances giving the potion to children.”
“I didn’t give it.” She added deliberately, “But I didn’t stop it being given. The first child to take it was the eight-year-old son of a Greek woman. His name was Niko, and I was very fond of him.”
“Not fond enough to wait until he was grown.”
“Do you know how many children die each year? How few reach their full growth? This was the seventh child born to Ariane. The others had died, and Niko was a terribly delicate child. She desperately wanted to make sure she could keep him alive. Did I have the right to stop her?” She met Selene’s gaze. “And, yes, I wanted to know if it was safe to give to other children. The only way to find out Eshe’s limits was to probe them. I made myself part of her responsibility. Blame me, if you will. But not until you’re willing to stand in my shoes.”
“I’m not willing. I don’t want-” Her hands clenched. “I hope this is all a lie.”
“But you’re no longer sure it is.” Layla smiled faintly. “It’s very sobering, isn’t it? But you’ll become used to the idea.”
“Will I?”
“It’s a great gift.”
“So you say.”
“Because it’s true. Death, not Eshe, is the enemy.”
“Tarik chose Kadar not only to receive Eshe but to protect the grail. I don’t think he meant to give him a choice in the beginning.”
“It was very difficult for Tarik. Eshe has always been an unbearable burden for him. He must have been desperate to relinquish the grail.”
“And you thought he sent me to you because he couldn’t bring himself to give me the potion. Would you have done it?”
“Oh, yes. I was desperate too. I’ve been without Tarik for a long time. I thought he was reaching out to me.” She grimaced. “I would have done anything, and I’m far more ruthless than Tarik.”
“Yes, you are. For God’s sake, if your story is true, I’d think the years would have made you more civilized.”
“Souls don’t change. I’ve come to believe we’re all born with the soul we take to the grave. We learn, but we cannot change that part of us. If anything, we become more of what we started out to be.”
“Then God help us.”
“Sometimes He does. Sometimes we help ourselves.” Layla paused. “And sometimes we falter and make mistakes. When that happens, you forgive yourself or let it destroy you. I won’t let either Tarik or myself be destroyed by what happened to his brother. We just have to go on.” She moved her shoulders as if shrugging off a burden. “Enough. I’ve told you all you asked of me. It’s not easy to sit here and have you stare at me and question things I’ve questioned myself. Now go away and let me have some peace.”
Selene wearily rose to her feet. Peace. She wouldn’t know peace this night. Her mind was too full and her emotions too rampant.
“What are you going to do?” Layla asked.
“About Eshe? I don’t know.” She turned to the tent entrance. “Perhaps there’s nothing to be done. Maybe you and Tarik are mad and there’s no such thing as Eshe. I can’t think any more about it right now. I’m upset enough, and there’s Nasim to deal with.”
She stopped outside the tent and drew a deep breath. Night had fallen, and the cool air felt good on her hot cheeks. She was shaking, she realized. It was all very well to say she couldn’t afford to think of Eshe, but how could she not.
But she must try not to face it tonight. She had found out what she needed to know. Now she mustn’t be distracted from the urgency of Nasim.
Her gaze searched the camp, and she saw Vaden and Kadar in conversation by the fire. Good, she would have time to recover her composure before she set out to do what had to be done.
20
KADAR WAS SITTING by the tent entrance when she arrived two hours later.
He stood up. “You were gone long enough. I thought you’d run away.”
“No, you didn’t. You know I’d not be that foolish. Why would I cheat myself?”
He smiled. “Still, I was uneasy enough to check to make sure your horse was still staked with the others. Where were you?”
“Talking to Layla.”
His smile faded. “And?”
“She’s not nearly as reluctant or caring of my feelings as you.”
“She doesn’t love you as I do.”
“She doesn’t love anyone but Tarik, but I believe she likes me. Not that her liking would stop her from sacrificing me on the altar. However, she’s honest, brutally honest. It’s a quality I’ve grown to value of late.” She stepped closer and took his hand. “And now I wish to lie with you. I don’t wish to talk of Layla, Tarik, Nasim, or Eshe. I want to hold you and be held. I want you to make love to me. I want to sleep in your arms, and when I wake, I want you to be gone. I don’t want to see you again until you return safely from Nasim’s camp. Is that understood?”
