We had a company come out and clean the air-conditioning ducts, and Chip had the paint checked, to see if there was lead or chemicals.'
Her voice had risen and taken on an edge again. Cassie squirmed.
Cindy rocked her quiet.
'I'm always looking,' she whispered. All the time-ever since thebeginning.'
She covered her mouth with her hand. Removed the hand and slapped it down to her knee, pinkening the white skin.
Cassie's eyes shot open.
Cindy rocked harder, faster. Fighting for composure.
'First one, now the other,' she whispered-loud, almost hissing. 'Maybe I'm just not supposed to be a mother!'
I went over and placed my hand on her shoulder. She slid out from under it, shot up out of the rocker, and thrust Cassie at me.
Tears streamed from her eyes, and her hands shook.
'Here! Here! I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not meant to be a mother!'
Cassie began whimpering, then gulping air.
Cindy thrust her at me again and, when I took her, ran across the room.
My hands were around Cassie's waist. She was arching her back.
Wailing, fighting me.
I tried to comfort her. She wouldn't let me.
Cindy threw open a door, exposing blue tile. Running into the bathroom, she slammed the door. I heard the sound of retching, followed by a toilet flush.
Cassie squirmed and kicked and screamed louder. I got a firm grasp around her middle and patted her back. 'It's okay, honey.
Mommy's coming right back. It's okay.'
She coiled more violently, punching at my face, continuing to caterwaul. I tried to contain her while providing comfort. She jerked and turned scarlet, threw her little head back and howled, nearly slipping out of my grasp.
'Mommy's coming right back, Cass-' The bathroom door opened and Cindy rushed out, wiping her eyes. I expected her to grab Cassie away but she just held out her hands and said, 'Please,' mouthing the word over Cassie's shrieks and looking as if she expected me to withhold her child.
I handed Cassie back to her.
She hugged the little girl and started to circle the room very fast.
Taking large, hard steps that made her thin thighs quiver, and muttering things to Cassie that I couldn't hear.
Two dozen circuits and Cassie's cries got softer. Another dozen and she was quiet.
Cindy kept moving, but as she passed me she said, 'I'm sorry I really am. I'm sorry.'
Her eyes and cheeks were wet. I told her it was okay. The sound of my voice made Cassie crank up again.
Cindy began walking faster, saying, 'Baby, baby, baby.'
I went over to the play table and sat as best I could on one of the tiny chairs. The welcome cardboard stared up at me like some kind of sick joke.
