Bad Love

Chondra shook her head and began splashing herself again, doing it slowly, as if it were a chore. Her white pigtails were soaked the color of old brass. Above the pink walls the sky was static and blue, bottomed by a soot- colored cloud bank that hid the horizon. Someone in the neighborhood was barbecuing, and a mixture of scorching fat and lighter fluid spread its cheerful toxin through the autumn heat.

'You don't think I'll be honest, huh?' I said. 'Been burned by other doctors, or is it something about me?'

She turned toward me slowly and put her lanyard in her lap.

'I think you do your job and go home,' she said. 'Just like everyone else. I think you do what's best for you, just like everyone else.'

'Fair enough,' I said. 'I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm some saint who'd work for free or that I really know what you've been going through, 'cause I don't- thank God. But I think I understand your rage. If someone had done it to my child, I'd be ready to kill him, no question about it.'

She took her Winstons out of her pocket and knocked a cigarette loose. Sliding it out and taking it between two fingers, she said, 'Oh you would, would you? Well that would be revenge, and the Bible says revenge is a negational action.'

She lit up with a pink disposable lighter, inhaled very deeply, and held it. When she let the smoke out, her nostrils twitched.

Tiffani began jumping very fast. I wondered if we were within her earshot.

Evelyn shook her head. 'Gonna break her head one of these days.'

'Lots of energy,' I said.

'Apple don't fall far.'

'Ruthanne was like that?'

She smoked, nodded, and started to cry, letting her tears drip down her face and wiping them with short, furious movements. Her torso pushed forward and for a moment I thought she was going to leave.

'Ruthanne was just like that when she was little. Always moving. I never felt I could… she had spirit, she was- she had… wonderful spirit.'

She tugged her shorts down and sniffed.

'Want some coffee?'

'Sure.'

'Wait right here.' She went into the house.

'Hey, girls,' I called out.

Tiffani kept jumping. Chondra looked up. Her mouth hung slightly open and water droplets bubbled her forehead, like oversized sweat.

I went over to her. 'Swim a lot?'

She gave a very small nod and splashed one arm, turning away and facing the avocado tree. Young fruit hung from the branches, veiled by a cloud of whiteflies. Some of it was blackened with disease.

Tiffani waved at me. Then she began to chant in a loud voice:

'I went to the Chinese restaurant,

to get a loaf of bread bread bread,

a man was there with a big mustache,

and this is what he said said said.

El eye el eye chicholo beauty, pom-pom cutie…'

Evelyn came back holding a couple of mugs. Bonnie marched behind her carrying a small plate of sugar wafers. The look on her face said she'd been created for better things.

I walked back to the lawn chairs.

Bonnie said, 'Here you go,' handed me the plate, and sashayed off.

Evelyn gave me a mug. 'Black or cream?'

'Black.'

We sat and sipped. I balanced the cookie plate on my lap.

'Have one,' she said, 'or are you one of those health-food types?'

I took a wafer and chewed on it. Lemon-flavored and slightly stale.

'I dunno,' she said, 'maybe I shoulda been a health fooder, too. I always gave my kids sugar and stuff, whatever they wanted- maybe I shouldn'ta. Got a boy went AWOL over in Germany two years ago, don't even know where he is, the baby don't know zero about what she wants to do with her life, and Ruthie…'

She shook her head and looked over at Tiffani. 'Watch your head on that branch, you!'

'Bonnie's the baby?' I said.

Nod. 'She got all the brains and the looks. Just like her daddy- he coulda been a movie star. Only time I ever went gaga for the looks, and boy, what a mistake that was.'

She gave a full smile. 'He cleaned me out thirteen months after we were married. Left me with the baby in diapers and went down to Louisiana to work the deep-sea rigs. Got killed soon after in a fall that they said was an accident. Never took out the right insurance for himself, so I got nothing.'

She smiled wider. 'He had a temper on him. All my men do. Roddy's got a fuse on him, too, though it takes a while to get it lit. He's a Mexican, but he's the best of the lot.'

She patted the T-shirt pocket that held the cigarette pack. 'Sugar and bad tempers and cancer sticks. I really go for all the good things in life, huh?'

Her eyes watered again. She lit up.

'All the good things,' she said. 'All the blessed good things.'

She kept the cigarette in her mouth, busied her hands by squeezing them together, letting go, repeating the motion. The lanyard lay on the grass, neglected.

'There's no room for your guilt,' I said.

She yanked the cigarette out of her mouth and stared at me. 'What'd you say?'

'There's no room for your guilt. All the guilt belongs to Donald Dell. One hundred percent of it.'

She started to say something, but stopped.

I said, 'No one else should carry that burden, Evelyn. Not Ruthanne for going with him that night, and certainly not you for the way you raised her. Junk food had nothing to do with what happened. Neither did anything but Donald Dell's impulses. It's his cross to bear now.'

Her eyes were on me, but wavering.

I said, 'He's a bad guy, he does bad things, no one knows why. And now you're having to be a mom, all over again, when you weren't planning on it. And you're going to do it without complaining too much and you're going to do your best. No one's going to pay you or give you any credit, so at least give yourself some.'

'You talk sweet,' she said. 'Telling me what I want to hear.' Wary, but not angry. 'Sounds like you got a temper on you, too.'

'I talk straight. For my own sake- you're right about that. All of us do what we think's best for us. And I do like to make money- I went to school a long time to learn what I do. I'm worth a high fee, so I charge it. But I also like to sleep well at night.'

'Me, too. So what?' She smoked, coughed, ground out the cigarette with disgust. 'Been a long time since I slept peacefully.'

'Takes time.'

'Yeah… how long?'

'I don't know, Evelyn.'

'Least you're honest.' Smile. 'Maybe.'

'What about the girls?' I said. 'How do they sleep?'

'Not good,' she said. 'How could they? The little one wakes complaining she's hungry- which is a laugh, 'cause she eats all day, though you wouldn't know it to look at her, would you? I used to be like that, believe it or not.' Squeezing her thigh. 'She gets up two, three times a night, wanting Hersheys and licorice and ice cream.'