Rage

that, she really didn’t. She could have talked to someone. I told her to talk to someone.”

“Get some therapy,” said Milo.

“I’m a big fan of therapy.” She picked up the glass. “Therapy and Tanqueray and tonic and Prozac.”

I said, “So Lara was the rebellious one.”

“Even when she was little, you’d tell her black, she’d say white. In high school, she got in with a bad crowd- that’s what messed up her grades. Of the three, she was the smartest, all she had to do was a little work. Instead, she marries him. Vegas, for God’s sake. It was like a bad movie. He was- have you ever seen his teeth?”

During the few seconds Malley had faced us, he had never opened his mouth.

Milo said, “Not in good shape?”

“Trailer trash teeth,” said Nina Balquin. “You can imagine what Ralph thought of that.” Illustrating the contrast, she flashed a full set of porcelain jackets. “He was lowlife, didn’t have a family.”

“No family at all?”

“Every time I asked him about where he grew up, who his parents were, he changed the subject. I mean, here was this new person in our lives, doesn’t it seem reasonable to ask? Forget it. Strong and silent. Except he wasn’t strong enough to make a decent living.”

She drained her glass, steadied one hand with the other. “We’re an educated, sophisticated family- I have a degree in design and my husband was one of the best endodontists in the Valley. So who walks in? The Beverly Hillbilly.”

“Lara met him at a dude ranch,” said Milo.

“Lara’s earth-shattering summer job.” Balquin grimaced. “Here she never made up her bed, but there she could clean rooms for minimum wage. She claimed she wanted to earn her own money so she could buy a more expensive car than Ralph wanted to get for her.”

“Claimed?”

“She quit after two weeks to run off to Vegas with him. Never got any kind of car until we bought her a used Taurus. She was just rebelling by going to Ojai, like every other time.”

“You said Barnett was working some kind of traveling rodeo?”

“For all I know he put stars in my daughter’s eyes with rope tricks. I’m allergic to horses… out of the blue she’s married, informing me she wants lots of babies. Not just babies, lots of babies. I said who’s going to pay for all those babies, and she had a ready answer. Cowboy Buckaroo was putting away his chaps and spurs, whatever, and getting himself a real job.”

Balquin snorted. “Like I was supposed to stand and applaud. What was this great career? Working for a pool- cleaning service.”

I said, “They were married a while before they had Kristal.”

“Seven years,” said Balquin. “Which was fine with me. I figured maybe Lara was finally thinking straight, doing some financial planning. She got herself a job- not a great one, supermarket cashier at Vons. And Cowboy bought himself some chlorine and went out on his own.”

“You see them much?”

“Hardly at all. Then one day Lara dropped in, nervous, sheepish. I knew she wanted something. What she wanted was money for fertility treatment. Turns out they’d been trying for years. She said she’d gotten pregnant a few times but miscarried. Then nothing. Her doctor was thinking some sort of incompatibility. I knew for her to show up she’d have to want something.”

I said, “Why was there so little contact?”

“Because that’s what they wanted. We invited them to every family affair but they never showed up. At the time, I assumed that was his doing, but now I’m not sure. Because my therapist says I need to confront the possibility of Lara’s complicity in a destructive dyad. As part of the process.”

“The process?” said Milo.

“The healing process,” said Balquin. “Getting my act together. I have a chemical imbalance that affects my moods but I also need to take personal responsibility for how I react to stressful situations. My new therapist gets what loss is all about and she brought me to the point where I can take the gloves off when it comes to Lara. That’s why your call was so perfect. After you called, I told my therapist we’d be talking. She thought it was karma.”

Milo nodded, crossed his legs. “Did you give Lara the money for treatment?”

“The two of them had no health insurance. I’m not sure if fertility’s even covered by insurance. I felt sorry for her, knew it was tough for her to come with her hand out. I told her I’d ask her father and she thanked me. Actually hugged me.”

Balquin’s eyes fluttered. She got up and refilled her glass. “I can get you guys something soft.”

“We’re really okay, ma’am. So your husband agreed to pay for the fertility treatments?”

“Ten thousand dollars’ worth. First he said no way, then of course, he gave in. Ralph was a big softie. Lara cashed the check and that was the last I heard about it. Then back to the same old routine, not returning my calls. My therapist says I have to confront the possibility that she used me.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s possible they never paid the doctor.”

“Why would you suspect that, ma’am?”

Balquin’s hand whitened around her glass. “I carried Lara for nine months and sometimes I miss her so much I can’t stand to think about it. But I need to be objective for my own mental health. I always suspected those two spent the money on something else because soon after we gave it to them, they moved to a bigger place and there was still no baby. Lara said Barnett needed space for his piano. I thought what a waste, all he played was country-western songs and not very well. Kristal didn’t arrive until years later- when Lara was twenty-six.”

“That must have been something,” I said.

“Kristal?” She blinked some more. “A cutie, a beauty. From the little I saw of her. Here I was, a grandma, and I never got to see my grandchild. Lara had choices but I know he had a role in it. He isolated her.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “That man never once uttered a pleasant boo-hoo to any of us. Despite our feelings about the marriage, we tried to be nice. When they got back from Vegas we threw them a little party, over at the Sportsman’s Lodge. The invitation said ‘Business attire.’ He came in dirty jeans and one of those cowboy shirts- with the snaps on it. His hair was all long and unkempt- my Ralph was a real dapper guy, you can imagine. Lara used to love dressing up, but not anymore. She wore jeans just as filthy as his and a cheap- looking little halter tank top.”

She shook her head. “It was embarrassing. But that was Lara. Always keeping things lively.”

“Ma’am,” said Milo, “would it be too painful to talk about the suicide?”

Nina Balquin’s eyes floated upward. “If I said yes, would you drop it?”

“Of course.”

“Well, it is painful, but I don’t want you to drop it. Because it wasn’t my fault, no matter what anyone says. Lara made choices her whole life, then she ended her life with a horrible, stupid, rotten choice.”

“Who says it’s your fault?” I said.

“No one,” she said. “And everyone, implicitly. Lose a child to an accident or an illness, everyone feels sorry for you. Lose a child to suicide and people look at you as if you were the most horrible parent in the world.”

“How did Barnett react to the suicide?”

“I wouldn’t know, we never spoke about it.” Her eyes clenched and opened. “He had Lara cremated, never had the decency to have a service. No funeral, no memorial. He cheated me- the bastard. Can’t you tell me what he’s suspected of? Is it something to do with drugs?”

Milo said, “Barnett used drugs?”

“Both of them smoked pot. Maybe that’s why Lara couldn’t get pregnant- isn’t that supposed to do something