After Midnight

ADAMANT ELROY

Yeah, I thought. Sure it’s gone.

I looked away and kept moving.

Where’d I leave it? I wondered. In the den?

I opened the curtains, then stepped over to the sliding door. As I unlocked it, I recalled having the saber with me when I took my bath early that morning. Had I left it in the bathroom?

No.

I slid open the glass door.

Didn’t leave it in the bathroom. Wanted everything back in place.

Could’ve sworn I hung it back over the fireplace.

I DID.

I remembered, now. After breakfast, I’d put the saber on its hooks where it belonged.

So where it is now?

Very quickly, I stepped outside. In my mind, I imagined myself letting out a squeal, flinging my sack of tortilla chips at the sky, and running like hell.

But I simply walked over to the table. From the other side, I watched Elroy step out of the house, a margarita in each hand. He didn’t have a hand to spare for closing the door, so I hurried over and rolled it shut.

Elroy placed the drinks on the table, then pulled out a chair for me. I thanked him and sat down, even though the chair put my back to the door.

He dragged one of the other chairs around the table, and sat down beside me. Then he handed me a margarita and took the other for himself. “Shall I propose a toast?” he suggested.

“Toast away.”

“To you and me, and lucky encounters.”

“Lucky, huh?”

You’d change your tune if you knew what was going on.

“It most certainly was lucky,” he said.

“Maybe so,” I muttered.

We clicked our glasses together, then drank.

Lowering his glass, Elroy said, “Imagine the odds against me just happening to drive by just the right place at just the right time…not to mention recognizing you. I call that lucky. I usually don’t even pay attention to people on the sidewalks. For that matter, I wouldn’t have been there if my wristwatch hadn’t died on me this morning. It’s not my usual route home. Our paths wouldn’t have crossed at all except for the fact that I had to make a stop at the mall for a new watch battery.”

“I was at the mall, myself.”

“Ah! I should’ve known. We were only a few blocks away when I spotted you.” He drank some more of his margarita, then asked, “Are you in the habit of walking to the mall and back? It’s a good, long distance.”

Nodding, I said, “About six miles each way. It’s my chief form of exercise. I try to do it a couple of times a week.”

“You certainly dress well for your hikes.”

“Well, I like to look good at the mall.”

“Aren’t you at all…nervous about it?”

“About what?”

“Walking that far by yourself. There are so many psychos in this world.”

“You’re telling me.”

“Doesn’t it make you the least bit nervous?” Elroy asked.

“A little. But I don’t let it stop me. Besides, I’ve been known to be dangerous, myself.”

Elroy let out a laugh. “You can say that again.” Then he tore open the bag of tortilla chips and turned it toward me.

I took a handful.

“It didn’t occur to me until just this moment,” he said, “but look at the irony we’ve just encountered. You fell down the stairs. You, who pushed Mr. Heflin down the stairs. Isn’t that just marvelously ironic?”

“Oh, yeah. Marvelously.” I popped a chip into my mouth and crunched down on it. It was thin and nearly tasteless.

Do you know what else would be marvelously ironic, Elroy? If our “lucky encounter” ends with both of us getting murdered by a saber-wielding maniac.

I drank some more of my margarita.

And wondered if I should warn him.

I wouldn’t need to tell him the whole story, just explain that somebody must’ve broken into the house sometime today and stolen the saber.

And might be anywhere.

He’ll say we should call the cops.

Obviously, that was out of the question.

So what can we do?

Flee.

“This is a lovely place,” Elroy said. “It must be fabulous to live here.”

“It’s nice, all right.”

“I should imagine that some of our furry friends must wander out of the woods now and again.”

“Sure. We get all sorts of critters. Deer, raccoons, squirrels…”

Midnight swimmers.

“I’d love to see some deer come out,” Elroy said.

“Stick around, there’s no telling what you might see.”

He leered at me. “Is that so?” he asked.

“You never know.”

“Well, well.”

“But you know what?”

“What?”

“I think we oughta go out for dinner tonight.”

“Out? We are out.”

“I mean like to a real restaurant.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m serious. If we have to wait for those steaks to thaw out, we won’t be eating till eight or nine. I just don’t think I can wait that long. I’m already starving.”

“Have some more nibbles.”

“It’ll be my treat. And you can pick the restaurant. Anywhere you like.”

“I like it here. It’s so peaceful and pleasant. Of course, I’m sure you’re used to it. You live here. But I live in an apartment house. I don’t have any lawn at all, much less a swimming pool and a beautiful forest. You want to take me away from all this? I can eat in a restaurant any old time.”

“I’m not trying to cheat you out of the barbecue. Why don’t we just postpone it till tomorrow. That way, I’ll have time to prepare for it. We won’t have to worry about frozen steaks. You can even come over early, and we’ll make a day of it. How does that sound?”

“Lousy.”

“Lousy?”

“You promised me cocktails and barbecued steaks by the swimming pool. Tonight, not tomorrow. If you’d said tomorrow in the first place, that’d be different. But you didn’t, so you got me all set to expect it. We can go to a restaurant tomorrow, if you want. But tonight, I want my