‘That’s fine by me,’ Rosa whispered, and fled.
Which left the two of them, facing off over the kitchen table.
She should shut up, Lily thought dully. She should say nothing. There was nothing to be gained by conflict.
But she was going to have to tell Benjy that Ben was definitely leaving. The thought of his disappointment made her cringe.
‘So there’s no doctor on the Medivac chopper?’
‘Sorry?’
‘You know very well what I mean. I assume the chopper will be bringing someone back to this district from the city. Is that what you meant when you said it’d be in the area tomorrow?’
‘Yes.’
‘Since when has the Medivac service carried patients without a medical team?’
‘I didn’t ask.’
‘You didn’t ask whether there’d be a doctor on board?’ She raised her brows in disbelief. ‘Maybe we can ask now.’
‘Doug wants me to go with him. He’s terrified.’
‘And so are you.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘You’re falling in love with your son,’ she said softly. ‘For you that’s even more terrifying than falling in love with me. So you’re running. The trouble is… I’ll back off. I’m not sure Benjy will.’
‘He’ll be back on your island and I won’t see him.’
It was a gut response. He said it and then realised what he’d said. It was an acknowledgement of fear. An acknowledgement that he was putting as much distance as possible between himself and his embryonic family.
‘Coward,’ Lily whispered.
‘I’m not a coward.’
‘Rosa told me about Bethany. How many years have I known you, Ben, yet you never told me about your sister? You’ve been running since then?’
‘Rosa had no right. And I’m not running.’
‘You know you are.’
‘It’s you who’s refusing to marry me.’
‘That’s a joke. You don’t know what marriage is. It’s surely not waiting for you to drop in for a few days each year.’
‘Lily-’
‘Leave it,’ she said dully. ‘But don’t pretend to be hurt because I won’t marry you. You’re not asking me to marry you. You don’t know what the word means.’
They ate a desultory dinner-steak, cooked by Lily and not even close to the wonderful food Doug had prepared-and then Lily and Benjy went for a walk to say goodnight to Flicker, Rosa went to sit with Doug and Ben was left to his own devices.
He’d expected to spend that evening with Benjy. He’d thought maybe they could do something together-some sort of bonding thing, he thought, like taking a cricket bat and hitting a few balls. He only had tonight. He should be angry that Benjy had elected to go with his mother and talk to a horse rather than spend time with him.
But Benjy had watched him over the dining table and had made his own decision. Benjy had lost Kira only a few weeks ago. That pain would be still be raw. Maybe he wasn’t going to put himself in the position where it hurt again.
Or maybe it already hurt. Ben had been there when Lily had told Benjy that Ben would be leaving in the morning. He’d seen his face shut down.
He knew that look. He’d perfected it himself.
So…
So stay, he told himself as he walked out onto the veranda. In front of the house was the home paddock. Benjy and Lily would be there with Flicker. He could join them.
But his feet turned the other way. He walked down to the beach, found a likely looking sand-hill and sat and watched the moon over the water.
Out there was Kapua. Home to Lily and Benjy.
He could get there twice a year, he thought, or maybe even more if he made the visits brief. Whenever he had a decent leave, he could spend a few days with Benjy.
But he had a night free now and Benjy had elected to go with his mother. As Lily had elected to stay with Benjy.
‘We’re all protecting ourselves,’ he told the night.
He thought about the plan they’d made for the medical services for Kapua and the outlying islands. Lily could take over the role of medical director but there was another major position to be advertised. Director of Remote Medical Services-a doctor who’d be based in Kapua but who would take care of the outlying islands. He and Sam had listed the requirements for such a position. Emergency medicine. An ability to work alone. Experience in tropical medicine. And preference would be given to someone with a pilot’s licence-someone who in an emergency could take control of a helicopter.
‘Hey, I know someone who fits this,’ Sam had said. ‘Do you?’
Ben had ignored him. He’d had to. Because if he ever took a job like that, then every night he’d come home to Lily and Benjy.
So? Lily was quite simply the loveliest woman he’d ever met. Would ever meet. The way he felt about her was non-negotiable. And Benjy was great. Benjy was his son.
So why the terror? Why the ice-cold feeling that gripped his guts whenever he thought about taking things further? Committing, not to a marriage but to a relationship where Benjy and Lily were permitted to need him.
Maybe he should just jump in at the deep end. Try it out and see.
But if he failed…
He’d looked at Lily’s face tonight over the dinner table, and he’d looked at Benjy’s, and he’d seen the same wooden look of pain. He’d hurt them already. How much more would he hurt them if he committed?
He wanted Lily to commit.
No, he didn’t. He saw it now, more clearly than he’d seen it at any time in his life. Lily was prepared to throw her heart into the ring, and maybe so was Benjy, but didn’t they understand that he could crush it? If he wasn’t capable…
‘Coward,’ he told himself, but it didn’t help a thing.
Lily lay in the dark and stared at the ceiling. She was under no illusions. Tomorrow Ben would leave. She’d see him next when he made a flying visit to Kapua to see his son.
So what was different? She’d lived with loneliness for seven long years.
But now she didn’t even have Kira.
She hadn’t wept for the old woman. She’d stood at the grave-side and her face had stayed wooden. She’d felt wooden.
But now…
She wanted Kira and the pain she felt for the wonderful woman who’d been part of her life for so long was suddenly so acute she couldn’t bear it. And it was mixed up with the way she felt about Ben. She’d loved and she’d lost.
She’d never admitted to herself that she hoped Ben might resurface in her life. She’d even finally agreed to marry Jacques. But maybe that thought had always been there-that tiny flare of hope.
And now it was dead. As Kira was dead.
Life went on. As a doctor she’d seen grief from many angles and she knew that grief could finally be set aside.
But not tonight. The house was asleep. Her son was asleep. She wasn’t needed. There was no one to see her.
