Kill All the Lawyers

'How many does it take to be serial killer?' Steve mused.

'I'll bet she has a nice body. That night in the restaurant, she looked very fit.'

'More than two killings, for sure. But are three enough?'

'The way she stared at you, I knew something was going on.'

'You know what this means, Vic?'

'You're cheating on me.'

'What! What are you talking about?'

'You kissed a naked woman.'

'Actually,' Steve said, wishing there were beer in the model refrigerator, 'she kissed me.'

'But you didn't resist.'

'What was I supposed to do? Clobber her?'

'No. I'll do that.'

'She says Kreeger tells her everything. I was working her.'

'I bet you were.'

Steve kept opening and closing the refrigerator door, just to have something to do with his hands. The kitchen had a thirteen-foot ceiling, black granite countertops, and a teak work island the size of a racing sloop. The townhouse also had a seven-figure price tag that Steve knew they couldn't afford. But Victoria had wanted to look at the place, so here they were. He knew that women often shopped for items they had no intention of buying. He didn't know why this was so, but just last week Victoria had dragged him to Bal Harbour, where he sat patiently while she tried on a variety of exotic outfits by Italian designers. Each flimsy little frock had a price tag somewhat north of a flat-screen TV, and, of course, Victoria didn't buy a thing. Men would never do that, though he could remember once taking a test drive in a Ferrari, just for the hell of it.

'Anyway, it was all business,' he said, closing the refrigerator door. And, hopefully, the subject of the naked Amanda.

Victoria studied him a moment, her brow furrowed. Steve had seen the look many times, though usually when she approached a hostile witness on the stand. 'For the record,' she said, 'did you become aroused?'

Man, she just won't let up.

'Nope. It was way too quick for that.'

'So, had there been time for a second kiss, you would have become aroused. Isn't that true?'

'Jeez, why did I have to fall for a trial lawyer? Here I am, being honest, telling you everything, and you're like Ken Starr in front of the Grand Jury.'

'You must have flirted with her.'

'I just stood there, being my irresistible self, but you're missing the point, Vic. This gives me a great chance to try to flip her.'

'Your choice of words is absolutely Freudian.'

'Maybe she wants to break away from him. If I help her do that, maybe she'll help me nail him.'

'So you and your irresistible self will have to spend time with her, I suppose.'

'Amanda shares Kreeger's bed. Who better to get close to if I want to bring him down?'

'I liked your first plan better. The one where you get Kreeger to kill you.'

'Try to kill me.' Steve checked out the built-in microwave. It had more gauges than the control panel of a jet. 'C'mon, Vic. I'm gonna need your help with her.'

'How many hands does it take to lube a woman with suntan oil?'

'You can give me tips on how to get her to open up.'

'What can I tell you?' Victoria said, so airily Steve thought she might float away. 'You've already gotten her naked.'

'Hiya, lovebirds!' Jackie Tuttle burst into the kitchen from the patio, armed with her BlackBerry and soft leather briefcase. Her shoes and blouse shared something in common, Steve thought. Both were see-through. The shoes seemed to be made of Lucite. The blouse was a flimsy black material. And her gold hoop earrings were so big, you could toss a basketball through them. 'Did you see the Jacuzzi, Vic? I can picture the two of you sipping spritzers and watching the sun set over the ocean.'

'The sun sets over the Everglades,' Steve said.

'Hot tubs give me yeast infections,' Victoria said.

'Ooh. You two are fighting.'

'No we're not,' they said in unison.

'Great,' Jackie replied. 'Did you see the his-andher closets?'

Steve ran a hand across the cool granite countertop. 'Jackie, we can't afford this place.'

Jackie glared at him. 'Did I mention the windows exceed the hurricane specs? Won't shatter, even if Tori throws something heavy at you and misses.'

'Jackie, Steve's right,' Victoria said. 'It's too much money.'

Shaking a two-tone fingernail in Steve's face, Jackie said: 'This is your fault.'

'Now what'd I do?'

'If you'd let Tori upgrade the practice, you could buy a place in Gables Estates or at least Cocoplum.'

'We're not gonna whore for banks and insurance companies.'

'I suppose defending strip clubs is a high calling,' Jackie shot back.

'First Amendment issues always are.'

'And those sweaty migrant workers and illegal aliens you represent for free?'

'When the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock, they were illegal aliens.'

Jackie scowled at him. 'You don't get it, Steve. Unless you two start making some real money, you'll never be able to afford a decent pup tent. Not in this market.'

'I won't compromise my principles. Vic knows the rules.'

'Rules?' Victoria pounced. 'Like you're laying down the law? Like you're the Chief Justice of this relationship?'

'I didn't mean it that way, Vic. But it's Solomon and Lord, not the other way around.'

Victoria folded her arms across her chest. 'Maybe it would be better if it was just Steve Solomon, flying solo.'

'C'mon. I'm senior to you. You have to acknowledge that. I've tried more cases in more courts and-'

'Been held in contempt more times.'

'But we're equal partners in everything else,' he said.

Jackie Tuttle gathered up her briefcase and started for the door, pausing only for one last shot. 'Steve, let me tell you what Tori won't. You've got a very thick skull.'

'You're wrong, Jackie. She's already told me.'

'Has she told you this? Sometimes you're a real jerk, and if you don't watch it, you're gonna lose the best woman in the world.'

Steve turned to Victoria, waiting for her to disagree. He waited five seconds, or was it five years? Nothing. Then he said something stupid. No, stupid wouldn't begin to describe it, he thought later. Maybe it was that idiotic male need to appear cool and unconcerned. He didn't know the reason. But instead of professing his love and care for Victoria, he said, 'Hey, we're all free agents. Vic can do whatever she wants.'

Jackie headed straight for the door, and Victoria turned her back on him.

Victoria stayed silent on the drive down Collins Avenue. Steve tuned the radio to the Margaritaville station, all that annoying island music he loved and she found so juvenile. When Jimmy Buffet began singing, 'Beach House on the Moon,' Victoria leaned forward and turned the volume down. She'd been processing their latest conversations, starting with the other day when Mr. Sensitivity had basically told her to butt out, that he would decide what was right for Bobby, and if he wanted to go down to the Goldberg house and swing on the chandelier like a deranged chimpanzee, then by God, he would. Then, just now, Steve's 'rules' for 'his' firm. Followed by his invitation to take a hike. Even though she knew he didn't mean it, she was fuming. His interest-professional or otherwise-in Amanda the Naked Tramp wasn't helping, either.

So irritating. So aggravating. So condescending.