“I thought I mattered,” she murmured, unable to look at him. She studied the hem of her dress as if it was the most interesting thing in the room. The dark wool was smooth and perfectly pressed. “I thought-” She had to clear her throat to go on. “I fell in love with you, Jonathan.”
She looked up in time to see him flinch as if she’d struck him. He swore. “Don’t say that. I don’t want you to love me.”
She gave a harsh laugh that had nothing to do with humor and everything to do with pain. “That’s right. You wanted to have sex with me, but you don’t want to care about me.”
He rose to his feet and glared at her. “It’s not like that and you know it.”
“Then what is it like?”
He ran his fingers through his hair, then turned and crossed to the window. “Dammit, Cynthia, don’t care about me. I’ve told you before, I’m not worth it. I’ll only hurt you.”
“You
He spun to face her. “I don’t want this truth.”
She couldn’t stop the tears that sprang to her eyes. Pain filled her, a sharp, breath-stealing pain that made her feel as if she were being turned inside out.
“I can’t give you whatever it is you think you want,” he continued.
“Why do I have to want something?”
“Everyone does. You wouldn’t be telling me this if you didn’t have an expectation. What is it? Marriage? You want the name and money?”
His cold, ugly words tore at her like wild dogs. She felt bits of herself being flung around the room. Worse, he was right. She
But he wouldn’t want to hear that from her. Already he looked panicked, as if the door was too far away and he couldn’t wait to be gone.
“I thought we had something special,” she said. “I’m sorry that my loving you is so uncomfortable.”
“There is no love,” he growled. “It’s a convenient thing to say when people are trying to manipulate each other. My mother and father were supposed to be in love and look what happened there. She didn’t have any trouble falling in love with someone else and running off. My own brother should have loved me, but he tried to kill me, instead. There is no love. Just excuses.”
He radiated anger and pain. A different kind from her own, but very real. She looked at the face that had become so familiar to her. At the shape of his mouth and the color of his eyes. She knew his body well enough to find him blindfolded, guided by scent alone. She knew how to please him in bed, how to make him laugh. She didn’t understand the complexities of his world, but they were becoming clearer all the time. She thought she’d earned his trust and had perhaps claimed a small piece of his heart, but she’d only been fooling herself.
The truth was, she’d lost him…assuming she’d ever had him at all.
She rose to her feet. “I can’t agree with anything you’re saying about love,” she told him. “I know you’ve had some horrible things happen in your past. I also know it doesn’t have to be like that. I am familiar with the workings of my heart, and I do love you with a strength that can’t be explained away. I apologize for any discomfort my feelings have caused you. That was never my intent. I had h-hoped-”
For the first time her voice faltered.
“I had hoped it would be different,” she managed to say after taking a deep breath. “But even if this is how it ends, I won’t regret loving you. Not for a minute.”
Jonathan had his back against the wall and there was nowhere to go. If they hadn’t been on the third floor he would have considered climbing out the window and escaping that way.
He couldn’t bear to be in the same room with her. Everything she said hit him below the belt, landing on his gut like a sucker punch. He felt as if he’d been run over by a train. He had to make her stop talking.
“Despite everything,” she said with a smile that didn’t come close to reaching her eyes. “I still think you’re a wonderful man.”
Her inherent belief, in spite of all he’d said, nearly drove him to his knees. Didn’t she realize that he’d survived all the crap in his life by learning to stand on his own? He didn’t need anyone else, and that solitary existence had kept him safe. But now she wanted to change the rules. She wanted to invite herself into his world, his life, his very being and expose him. Once she got what she wanted, she would have all the power. If he needed her, then she could leave. If he let himself believe she loved him, then she could destroy him by taking that love away.
Because she wasn’t telling the truth. She did want something from him. She wanted him to love her back. She wanted him to be so desperately in love with her that he would offer her his heart and soul.
What she didn’t know, and he would make sure she never knew, was that with her, he’d allowed himself to see the possibilities. The “what if” of the future had touched him with warmth and light. But he knew better than to believe. His cold, empty world was a safe place from which to operate.
“Whatever you take away from this,” she said quietly. “I want you to know that you’ve been an amazing part of my life. You are everything I thought you’d be. Good and kind, intelligent and patient. You will be a terrific father to Colton.”
He stared at her. She wore a pale blouse tucked into a wool skirt. With her hair pinned up, she looked professional and capable. Not the innocent he knew her to be. He had to get rid of her before she convinced him it was safe to try. He knew the cost of losing love. He’d learned that lesson when he lost both parents within hours of each other. His mother had walked away without giving him a second glance and his father had turned his back on him as punishment for being his mother’s son. David’s attitude had only reinforced the lesson.
Cynthia was nothing but a dangerous fool.
“You can’t love me,” he said coldly. “Because you don’t know the first thing about me. I’m a lowlife bastard. You should have learned that a long time ago.” He walked toward her and stared directly into her face.
“I want you out of my house today,” he said clearly. “I’ll expect all traces of you gone by the time I return from work. You will provide me with a suitable replacement. In return I will decide on a permanent nanny for Colton by the end of the week.”
Chapter 15
There was an old saying about being careful what one wished for. After all, it might come true. Jonathan considered the ancient truth that night as he sat alone in his study. He sipped the brandy he cradled, but the fiery liquid couldn’t erase the sense of emptiness inside of him.
The house was as he liked it-quiet, cold. He should have felt perfectly at home, but he didn’t. He felt as if he’d just lost his entire world and nothing was ever going to be right again.
Which was ridiculous, he told himself. There was a new nanny in residence. Mrs. Miller seemed well-qualified and competent. She’d told him earlier that she was a widow with seven grandchildren. She took short-term temporary assignments to give her pin money and to get her out of the house. Her harmless chatter had helped him pretend that everything was fine. The charade had lasted until both Colton and the eminently experienced Mrs. Miller were down for the night. It was only then the ghosts had appeared.
His usual specters were oddly quiet. Instead he found himself haunted by memories of a young woman who had somehow made a place for herself in his supposedly closed and unscalable
