let him marry her and father her children?
But he wasn’t good enough. He didn’t know how. Couldn’t she see the dark places inside of him? He’d been the one to say that families were an invention of the devil. While he no longer believed that, she couldn’t know about his change.
“How is Colton?” she asked.
He focused on her question and ignored everything else. “He hasn’t been doing well. That’s why I’m home. I’ve spoken with the pediatrician and she says it’s all the changes in his life.”
Cynthia’s expression tightened as color fled her face. “What’s wrong? Is he ill?”
“No. He hasn’t taken to Mrs. Miller. I have to feed him, which I don’t mind, but he’s a little restless with her. The doctor says it’s the lack of stability in his situation.”
Cynthia took a step toward him. “I don’t mind coming back. I promise I won’t say or do anything inappropriate. But if it would be easier until you’ve chosen a permanent nanny, I’m happy to fill in.”
He didn’t know how to answer that. He knew that he’d hurt her terribly and yet she was willing to be around him for the sake of the baby. If she were any other woman, he would suspect her of trying to use the situation to her advantage, but that wasn’t Cynthia’s style. He might be a jerk, but he wasn’t stupid. He’d learned his lesson about her.
“Why don’t you come see him now,” he said, motioning to the stairs.
She gave him a grateful smile, then hurried toward the second floor.
Ten minutes later she sat in the rocking chair in the baby’s bedroom. Colton had screamed with delight when he saw her and was just beginning to stop wiggling with pleasure as she held him.
Jonathan stood in the doorway, watching the two of them together. He saw the light in Cynthia’s eyes-the same light she had when she looked at Jenny or the boys. The same light Betsy had when she looked at her children. The glow came from a mother’s love. At one time the realization would have terrified him, but now he knew it wouldn’t go out-that Cynthia’s feelings would last for the rest of her life.
He dropped his gaze to Colton. The baby was as innocent of his father’s crimes as Jonathan had been of his mother’s. He saw that now. His father had been wrong to blame him, just as he, Jonathan, would be wrong to blame Colton. Not that he planned to do any such thing.
“I love him,” he said quietly.
Cynthia looked up and smiled. “I hoped you would. Loving a child is the most pure act we humans are capable of. Especially loving a child who isn’t our own. It’s a selfless giving that returns the most amazing reward. For being loved by that child is the greatest gift of all.”
He looked at her and knew that he’d been a fool to ever let her go. She was the best part of his world. She who gave from the very depths of her being, had offered him her heart and he’d turned it down. Because he’d been afraid and unworthy. He might never be worthy, but he could stop being a coward.
“I don’t agree with you,” he told her. “I think the greatest gift is to be loved by someone who sees only the best in other people. Someone good and kind, yet smart and fun to be with.”
Cynthia stared at him. He could tell that she didn’t know what to think about his words.
“If you thought walking away from me was the best for me, not for you,” he said, “would you do it?”
She frowned. “Of course.”
He took a step toward her. “You’ll always be the better person. Because I know that the best thing for me is to walk away from you and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you go.” He took another step, then shoved his hands into his jeans pockets.
“I’m standing at the crossroads of my life,” he said. “My heart and my soul ache. One of the paths in front of me leads to the autonomy and loneliness I’ve always known. You and Colton are the other path. He’s stuck with me, but you get to make a choice.”
He paused and found he was nervous. He had to clear his throat before speaking. “If you were someone else, I would try to seduce you with my net worth, but if you were that person I wouldn’t be interested, so what’s the point?”
Her hazel-green eyes were huge in her still face, but she didn’t speak. He kind of hoped she would at least give him a hint as to what she was thinking, but when she didn’t, he was forced to go on.
“I don’t have anything to offer you,” he said haltingly. “Nothing really important. I don’t know how to love you or be a good husband. I only know that if you give me another chance, you won’t regret it. I’ll learn how to be the man you deserve. I’ll show you in a thousand different ways how important you are to me, how amazing it is that I can finally understand what it means to love someone.”
She shifted Colton so that she could hold out one of her hands. She rose to her feet and covered the last step that separated them. “You don’t have to do any of that,” she whispered as tears filled her eyes and she touched his arm. “All you have to do is trust me enough to let me love you and try to love me back. Time will take care of the rest.”
He wasn’t sure who reached for whom, but suddenly they were embracing, careful of the happy baby between them. Jonathan touched her and kissed her and stroked her face.
“I love you,” he said. “Both of you. And your family. I want you in my life. All of you. I can’t let you go. I want you to be Colton’s mother and my wife and I want to give you as many babies as you want. Just promise you’ll never leave.” He cupped her face in his hands. “You are my world, Cynthia. I couldn’t survive without you.”
She continued to cry, but he had grown enough to recognize happy tears when he saw them. “Tell me you’ll marry me,” he said.
She laughed. “In a hot minute. I love you. I want to be with you for always.” She pressed her mouth to his. “Oh, and this is where I point out that I’ve always known you were a good and loving man. You’ve fought me on that point, but I was right.”
Some of the tension inside of him eased. She was his. He wasn’t going to have to learn to live without her. Love. Did he really feel it? He searched his full heart and knew that it had been there all along…waiting to be let out.
“Whatever I am, it’s because of you,” he told her.
They kissed again. As he held her Jonathan knew that there was much work yet to be done. He had to make things right with Jenny and the boys. He had to talk to Betsy and convince her that he was good enough for her oldest daughter. Then he had to take Cynthia to bed and make love with her until they were both breathless. Finally there was a wedding to plan.
But he faced the future with a sense of joy and hope he’d never felt before. With Cynthia at his side, he knew he could do anything…even give his heart for a lifetime.
SUSAN MALLERY
is the bestselling author of over thirty books for Silhouette. Always a fan of romance novels, Susan finds herself in the unique position of living out her own personal romantic fantasy with the new man in her life. Susan lives in sunny Southern California with her handsome hero husband and her two adorable-but-not-bright cats.
