Shelter In A Soldier's Arms

'Ashley?'

She looked up and saw that he'd seen her. She read the questions in his eyes. Things hadn't been right since they'd had that late-night talk. She glanced at her daughter and knew this wasn't the time.

'I just wanted to say hi,' she told him. 'And that I love you.'

Hope flared in his eyes. 'Still? Even…' His voice trailed off.

'Still,' she assured him and felt contentment. He was the one she wanted, for always.

* * *

After Maggie was in bed that night, she went searching for him. He was in his study, going over some papers. As she approached, he set down his pen. 'We have to talk,' he said.

'I know.' She circled around the desk and slipped onto his lap. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. 'I've decided that we're going to be all right. You need some time to come to grips with all that's happened between us. It's been fast and a real change. I understand that. You've spent the past, what, fifteen years living like some Rambo guy. Family life is going to be an adjustment. I trust you. Completely.'

'I'm glad,' he said, setting her on her feet and standing next to her. 'Because we have to go over a few things before I leave.'

'Leave?'

'My trip to the Mediterranean. The Kirkman case.'

'Oh. Yeah. You told me.' In all the emotional trauma, she'd forgotten. She followed him over to the leather sofa and settled next to him. She pointed to the folder waiting on the coffee table. 'State secrets?'

'No.'

'A security plan?'

'Not exactly.'

She tilted her head. 'Okay. You're not being wildly chatty. Why don't you take over the conversation.'

'I want to talk about my will.' He opened the folder and drew out a thick document. 'I saw my lawyer yesterday to get a new will. I've left everything to you, except for two separate life insurance policies I had set up for Maggie and the baby. You're the trustee for both policies. It should be enough to cover raising them, along with college.'

She stared at the document, but couldn't make it come into focus. A will? 'I don't understand.'

'If things don't go well, I want you to be taken care of. The business is set up with an automatic sale of my half to Zane, if something happens to me, and the same if he dies. You'll receive the proceeds from the sale, along with the house. I have a 401k, investments, checking and savings accounts. Brenda will get in touch with my financial adviser if anything happens, and Jerry can walk you through it all.'

'No.' She pushed the folder away. 'I don't want to talk about this. Not now. I told you. I'm not interested in your money.'

His gray gaze was steady. 'I understand that, Ashley, and I believe you. However, if I don't come back, I want you taken care of.'

If I don't come back.

She slid into the corner of the sofa. 'Don't come back? What are you talking about?'

He sighed. 'Probably nothing. This isn't an extremely high-risk operation.'

Operation? 'Are we talking about your business trip?'

'It's a security detail. These men are very highly placed. There have been both death and kidnapping threats. We've prepared for the worst and I'm sure everything will be fine. But if something happens, I want you to have financial security.'

She sprang to her feet. 'No. I don't want financial security. I want you to come back.'

'I'm sure I will.'

She pointed to the folder. 'You're not sure. That's why we're having this conversation. Jeff, are you telling me that you could die on this trip?'

He shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. 'It's unlikely.'

'How unlikely?'

'Less than a thirty percent chance.'

Her mouth dropped open. Thirty percent? There was a thirty percent chance he could die? While he was gone?

'No,' she said firmly. 'No. You can't go. You cannot die. Not until we're both old. I don't want you to die.' She'd just found him. She refused to lose him.

'Ashley, be reasonable. This is what I do.'

'You're crazy, then. How can you walk out on Maggie and me? And what about the baby?' She paced to his desk, then spun to face him. 'You can't. You just can't. Dammit, Jeff, you're not some solitary soldier giving his all for God and country. This is just some assignment. You can't leave like this. It's wrong. You have a responsibility to us. We need you to come home to us.'

'This is what I do.'

'No, it isn't. You run a security company. You have a staff. You have other people to do this kind of thing.'

'So I should send someone else out there to die?'

She felt as if he'd hit her in the stomach. She clutched her midsection and bent at the waist.

He was going to die. That's what he was trying to tell her. The claim of it only being a thirty percent chance had been a lie designed to calm her fears.

'Ashley-'

'No!' she shouted, straightening and glaring at him. 'All my life the people I've cared about and loved haven't loved me back. Not enough to stay. Not enough to keep from dying. I thought you were different. I thought you really cared, but because of your background you couldn't get in touch with your feelings. But now I know that I was wrong. You can't express your feelings because you don't have them. I thought you would change and realize you love us, but you won't. You don't love us. You're going to leave me and die, just like everyone else. You don't think I'm worth living for.'

He rose. 'You're wrong. You are worth living for. I have every intention of coming back to you.'

'That's not good enough. I don't want you to go.'

'I have to go. It's my job.' He hesitated. 'You knew what I was before, Ashley. Nothing has changed.'

'Yes, it has.' Before, she hadn't realized the truth. 'Loving someone means wanting to stick around.' As soon as she said the words, she braced herself for him to say he didn't love her at all, so what did staying matter. But he didn't. Instead his expression turned sad.

'I would have thought loving someone meant accepting every part of that person,' he said. 'You knew who and what I was when you first met me, so I don't understand why it's suddenly a problem. It's ironic. Nicole could accept what I did, but not what I'd become. You understand who I am, yet you won't accept what I do. I guess we both expected more of each other.'

Ashley felt as if he'd slapped her. She'd been so sure she was the one in the right and that he was wrong. But his words caught her off guard. Too stunned to speak, she could only watch as he walked out of the room.

* * *

Jeff waited the entire night, but she never came to him. He'd tried to go to her, but her door had remained closed and she hadn't answered his light knock.

The next morning he packed his suitcase and made his way downstairs. He'd left the folder on the coffee table in his study. If something happened to him, he wanted Ashley to be able to find it.

She was in the kitchen with Maggie. The dark circles under her eyes told him that she, too, had had a restless night. As they stared at each other, he wished he could find the words to make it right between them. He wished there was a way to explain why he had to do this job-why he had to do every job. That stepping into the line of fire was the only way to atone.

Maggie saw him and scrambled out of her seat.

'Daddy, Daddy, Mommy says you have to go away and I don't want you to go.'