Surrender in Silk

wasn’t much into children.”

He spoke the words matter-of-factly. As if they had no personal meaning. As if they had never had the power to hurt him. She’d grown up in unhappy circumstances, but at least her mother had continued to acknowledge her existence. It sounded as if he’d been abandoned.

“Once you went into the juvenile facility, your parents never came to visit you?” she asked.

“I preferred it that way.”

He said the words with the confidence of an adult, but as the connection between them strengthened, she felt the pain of the fourteen-year-old boy he’d been. She wasn’t surprised that he’d lived his early years outside of the law. The fact that he’d chosen to take a chance when one was offered was a testament to the kind of man he’d become. He was strong, capable. He didn’t need anyone. But the boy inside still did.

She wondered what it must have been like, growing up in his world. Hers had been lonely, but she’d never had to be afraid. Zach had been locked up for four long years. How had he spent Christmas? His birthday? She knew instinctively that no one had remembered. No one had sent a card or visited. No one had ever cared.

“Do you ever see your mom?” he asked.

“Not really. I call her a couple of times a year. She’s still married to my stepfather and, well, we still don’t get along.”

She didn’t want to think about the hideous things the man had said to her. All these years later, the memories of his verbal abuse still had the power to make her feel small and vulnerable.

Zach was at her side in an instant. He took the mug from her fingers and set it on the ground, then he grabbed her arms and shook her slightly.

“What did that bastard do to you?” he asked, his voice low and furious. “Did he hurt you?”

She stared at him. She could make out the shape of his face and the fury in his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Did he touch you?”

She realized what he was asking. Color heated her cheeks. She shook her head. “No.”

“Jamie!”

“Zach, I swear, he never touched me. He didn’t hurt me that way. He was smarter than that.”

“Then what?”

“I-” She didn’t really want to tell him. The memories were too humiliating. Zach’s anger didn’t give her a choice. “He was very nice to me in front of my mother, but as soon as she left the room, he turned on me. He said mean things to me.” She sucked in a breath. “We moved to Phoenix when I was eleven. I came home from school one day in tears. I couldn’t make any friends and I felt so alone. For some reason, he was home instead of my mother. He got me to tell him what was wrong, then he started laughing. He told me that I was too ugly and stupid to have friends. No one would ever like me. He said my mother didn’t even like me, but she pretended because she was supposed to.”

“And you believed him.” It wasn’t a question.

She nodded. “I was a kid. I didn’t know what else to believe. I’d never had a lot of friends. I was pretty much a loner. I stopped trying to fit in.”

His hands slipped down her arms to her hands. He squeezed her fingers. “So you became a spy.”

Surprisingly talking about the memories wasn’t as painful as she’d expected. For some reason, the telling was easier. Maybe it was the dark night. Maybe it was the fact that a lot of time had passed and she was her own person now. Maybe it was Zach.

“Actually I became a runner. When the kids teased me, I ran away. I just kept running. I started to like it, and by high school I was a track star.”

“A jock,” he said, brushing his thumbs against the backs of her hands. Shivers raced up her arms. She wanted to cuddle close to him, but she didn’t dare. The moment was special enough. She couldn’t risk rejection.

“Absolutely. I was the girl who was good at all the sports. I was better than a lot of guys, too. You can imagine how popular that made me. It was the same in college. For a long time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I was growing up, but I didn’t have many friends. I thought the world was weird, but then one day I figured out it was me. I was hiding behind the sports, keeping to myself rather than risking relationships with other people. Despite this aura of confidence, I’m basically shy. I decided to start taking risks. Talking to students in my classes, that kind of thing.”

“Did it work?”

“Sort of. I was never popular. I never got asked out, but I had more friends.”

“You have friends now,” he stated.

“I know. I’ve learned a lot.” She smiled. “Do you know there was a time I’d actually thought about going into the FBI?”

“Why didn’t you? You could have traveled.”

“I suppose. But I wanted more autonomy. That’s what the agency offered.” But sometimes she wondered. If she could turn back time, if she could do it all again, would she do things the same? She wasn’t so sure.

He released her hands and straightened on the swing. They were close enough that their body heat combined, making her warm. She ignored the tingling in her fingers and the blood settling low in her belly. At least he didn’t move back to the chair.

“Why’d you come after me?” he asked.

“I told you. I pay my debts.”

“Is that what you told Winston?”

“Sure.”

“And he believed you?”

She shrugged. “Why wouldn’t he? It’s the truth.” She struggled to keep her tone light.

“We both know better than that, Jamie. What’s the real reason?”

“Does it matter? Isn’t it enough that you’re alive?”

He didn’t answer. She bit down on her lower lip and considered her options. She could change the subject, she could lie or she could tell the truth. Somehow the latter seemed easiest.

“I couldn’t bear to think of you dying there,” she said softly. “The feeling in my gut told me you were still alive, but Winston wasn’t going to send in another team. I didn’t have a choice.”

“Thank you for saving me.” He gave her a quick smile. “Alive is better than dead.”

“You’re welcome.” His proximity and their conversation gave her courage. “Do you have any regrets?” she asked. “About the agency, I mean.”

“Sure. Doesn’t everybody?”

She wanted to ask what his were, but courage deserted her as quickly as it had come. Was she one of them? Did he regret their time together? She would have sold her soul to know he regretted letting her go, but that would have required a miracle and she didn’t think she was due for one.

You’re a fool, she told herself. At least that hadn’t changed. She’d always been a fool where he was concerned. Seven years ago, she’d handed over her heart, only to have it returned broken and bleeding. Now she was still throwing herself at him, only this time the reasons weren’t as clear.

“What are your regrets, Jamie? Not just about the job, but about anything.”

She pulled her knees up to her chest. Her blanket slipped down. Before she could reach for it, Zach tucked it around her. The unexpected gesture made her want to have him hold her forever. Instead, she thought about what he’d asked.

“I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to fit in when I was younger. School would have been a lot more fun.”

“Do you regret the job?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“Because you left.”

She thought about the question. “I don’t regret all I accomplished. I have the satisfaction of knowing I made a direct difference in people’s lives. What I did mattered.”

“You did good work.”

She turned toward him. “How would you know?”

“I make it a habit to keep up with all my students.”