“They only exist if you believe in them. That’s what gives them power.”
She wished that were true. She knew it wasn’t. “How do you keep them quiet?”
“I don’t listen to them. You feel too much, Jamie.”
“And you don’t feel enough.”
She rubbed her arms and pulled the blanket closer. Was this why Zach stayed in? Because he couldn’t face the demons of the past? Not feeling. That would do it. That would keep the memories at bay. But at what cost? How much of himself was tied up in keeping that door firmly closed?
“Everyone has demons,” she said. “Our work feeds them and helps them grow.”
He didn’t answer.
She glanced at him. He’d straightened and leaned against the post by the stairs. He was stronger than he’d been just a few days ago. Soon he would make the run to the bottom of the driveway, and she would leave. To go where? That empty apartment that only served to emphasize her aloneness? Why wasn’t there a “normal” school where she could train to be ordinary? And, dammit, why wasn’t Zach willing to help her?
“What are you hiding from?” she asked.
He turned toward her. Even in the darkness, she felt the force of his glare. She had to consciously keep herself from flinching.
He turned on his heel and walked inside.
Jamie sucked in a breath. Obviously that question had struck close to home. Maybe she should ask it of herself. What was she hiding from?
Life, maybe? The past, or was it the future? Neither, she decided. She wasn’t hiding. She was doing her best to step into the sunlight.
But could she find a place to belong? Could she figure out what she wanted most of all?
A small animal rustled in the darkness. The cold stung her skin. She could feel her heart pounding as if she’d just run five miles. Realization dawned and with it a unique, intense pain.
She reached up and touched her cheek. Stunned, she brought her fingers to her lips and felt the moisture there. She was crying.
And then she knew. The truth was so obvious, she wondered why it had taken this long for her to figure it out. She hadn’t rescued Zach because she owed him and she hadn’t come to the cabin to have him help her find her way back. She’d come here because after seven years, she’d never been able to forget him. She’d never let go. She’d come here because she still loved him.
She’d never stopped loving him.
Chapter 9
Zach jogged around the bend in the driveway and headed for the house. At the last minute, he made a sharp right and moved into the forest. For the first time, he’d run over a mile and he didn’t feel as if he was going to collapse and die. He wanted to take advantage of his newfound strength and find that damn battery. He had to get out of here.
He and Jamie had been living together for nearly five weeks. Five weeks of bumping into her on the curves, of sharing domestic chores, of being in the same small, confining cabin. Even when he worked on it, he couldn’t go more than a few hours without catching sight of her. Even when he didn’t want to, he found himself watching her, studying the graceful movements of her body and the lean strength that was as much a part of her as her heartbeat. Even when he tried not to, he found himself inhaling the scent of her skin and wanting her.
That was the worst of it. Wanting her. Day after day, night after night. He would lie awake feeling the heat in his groin and know he could never have her. He would wake up in an agonizing state of arousal, having dreamed about their week together. Cold showers weren’t working anymore. Nothing helped. He had to get away from her.
When he reached the woods, he slowed. He’d already searched the house and hadn’t found the battery. Which meant she’d stowed it somewhere in the woods. If she’d been any other female, he could have limited the search area to how far she would be able to carry the battery. Because he was dealing with Jamie, that information wasn’t going to help him. She could have carried it for miles.
But she wouldn’t have, he reminded himself. She would want it relatively close by in case of a medical emergency. After all, he’d been in pretty bad shape when he’d arrived.
He stood with his back to the Bronco and surveyed the foliage in front of him. New, bright leaves covered the tree branches. The temperature still dipped toward freezing at night, but the days were warming up. Spring had arrived.
Zach started his search in a small diamond pattern, expanding it every time he returned to the vicinity of the Bronco. He had to find the battery and he had to leave. If for no other reason than that Jamie was dangerous. Last week she’d talked about demons. He’d understood all too well.
He thought of his enemies as ghosts. Ghosts of the past. Of things done, or undone. Souls of the dead who still cried out. Feelings. He was a damn good agent because nothing got to him. Long ago he’d learned to ignore the slightest hint of emotion. He’d blocked it all away, hiding it behind a thick, locked door in his mind. If he occasionally had to stand vigil at night, using all his considerable strength to lean against that door and keep it closed, it was a small price to pay for sanity.
He didn’t really have a choice in the matter. If he let the door open, even just a crack, if he let out one sliver of emotion, everything would burst free, burying him alive. He would never survive.
He’d seen it happen to other agents, good agents. They went along fine, then something got to them. A child’s death, a wife’s betrayal. They got lost in the pain and never found their way out. Some retired to live quiet lives of suffering. Others made stupid mistakes and got killed. Others took the quick way out and killed themselves.
Many rookies had a hard time learning the principle of shutting down emotionally. For Zach, the process had already been second nature. He’d learned it on the streets when he’d been a kid. His time in the juvenile facility had simply reinforced the lesson. Feel nothing. Protect your back. Survive at all costs.
But with Jamie around, he was doing more than surviving. He was living. Every day she forced him to face the world, when all he really wanted to do was hide. She made him stand in the light, damn her. She made him talk- worse, she made him laugh. With her he couldn’t pretend to be half-dead. And most frightening of all, she made him desire her. That desire left him vulnerable.
It wasn’t just the physical ache of wanting a woman. That he could handle. When he was between assignments, he often found someone uncomplicated with whom he could spend some time. As long as the woman provided decent sex and didn’t ask a lot of questions, he was willing to get involved for a week or even a month. Then he returned to his world, and she was forgotten.
He’d never forgotten Jamie. Even after all this time, he recalled being with her. If he were a different kind of man, he might be willing to admit he’d missed her. But he wasn’t…and he hadn’t.
But the desire was unfamiliar. As unfamiliar as her need to find answers to her questions. She wanted a way out. He only wanted to go in deeper. She wanted answers; he didn’t want to hear the questions. He wished her luck on her journey. She was going to need it. No one he’d ever known had found his or her way back. Zach had given up looking a long time ago. Soon she would figure that out and leave him to his shadows.
That realization should have made him feel better. But what if she didn’t go? So far, she showed no signs of moving on. He often thought about that. When the pain of his injuries and lack of sleep brought him to his knees, he wondered why Jamie was here. With him. She couldn’t think that he would be the one-
He shook his head. “Yeah, right,” he muttered as he kicked at the loose earth around the base of a small bush. “As if you’re anyone’s idea of a prize.” She wouldn’t want a life with him. She probably wanted to marry a banker or an accountant.
Somebody
The ground looked undisturbed, but there was a small notch in the base of a mid-sized pine tree. He squatted and ran his finger along the length of the notch. It was new. A clean cut, made by a knife.
