She found a bench and sat down. The stone was warm to her touch, almost as if it were trying to offer comfort. Her eyes burned as she longed for someone to talk to. Someone to advise her. But who? She didn’t feel comfortable discussing something so personal with the other teachers she’d worked with. Especially after moving to the palace. She was too ashamed to call her Mother Superior back home. Normally she would go to Lina, but how to explain to her what she’d done? As’ad was Lina’s nephew.
Besides, Kayleen couldn’t bear to see disappointment in her friend’s eyes.
All the regrets she’d been so happy not to feel seemed to crash in on her. Not regret for what she’d done, but for the consequences, which made her horribly weak. Her regrets were about her future, not her past.
How could she return home now? How could she walk into that place where she’d grown up and had longed to return, knowing she had given in to the first man who asked? It wasn’t that she feared punishment, it was that she didn’t know who she was anymore.
She stood abruptly and started walking. An odd sound caught her attention.
She turned toward it and saw a large cage filled with doves. They were beautiful, so white and lovely in the sunlight. She watched them hop from perch to perch.
Her dream was gone, she thought. Her plans, her hopes. Now she was trapped here. Nanny to the girls until they were too old to need her or until As’ad replaced her. She was at his mercy. And then what? Another job? Where? Doing what?
She didn’t know who she was anymore. What she wanted. What she should do.
Impulsively she leaned toward the cage and opened the door. The doves chirped in excitement, then in a rush, flew out and up, disappearing into the brilliant blue sky.
“Fly away,” she whispered. “Fly and be free.”
“I do that myself.”
Kayleen jumped and turned toward the speaker. She was stunned to find the king standing on the path.
Horror swept through her. She’d just set free royal doves.
“I…I…”
King Mukhtar smiled kindly. “Don’t worry, child. It’s difficult to resist setting them loose. There is no need for concern. They always return. It is their nature. This is their home. They can’t escape their destiny.”
She knew he meant the words to be reassuring, but they cut through her. Yesterday she had known her own destiny, but today she was less sure. What was her place? Where did she belong? What happened now?
“Are you enjoying living at the palace?” the king asked. “You are treated well?”
His question nearly made her laugh. But she was afraid that if she started to laugh, she wouldn’t stop and then she would start crying. Hysterics would lead to a lot of questions she didn’t want to answer.
“Everything is lovely,” she said, doing her best to keep her emotions in check. “The palace is beautiful. I’ve been studying the history of the building and of your people. There is a long tradition of bravery in battle.”
“The desert runs in our blood. We were warriors long before we were rulers.”
“It must be difficult to leave the desert,” she told him. “The beauty, the wildness, the tradition. The nomads live as they always have.”
“With few modern conveniences,” he said with a smile. “Much can be endured if one has excellent plumbing.”
She gave a little giggle, which seemed to take a sharp turn at the end. She swallowed the sound. “But to walk in the steps of those who have gone before would be a fair compensation.”
“So says the woman who has not experienced desert life. Spend a week with my people and then we will have this conversation again.”
She nodded. “I would like that.”
She spoke the truth. There was something appealing about simplicity right now. About having the rules of one’s life spelled out. Too many choices could be complicated.
If she had never left the convent school in the first place, she wouldn’t have met As’ad and none of this would have happened. Yet was it equally wrong to hide from the world? To take the safe and, therefore, easy road? To never test herself? Is that what she’d been supposed to learn?
“I just don’t know,” she said.
The king looked quizzical. “What troubles you, child?”
“Nothing.” She felt tears burning in her eyes. “I…I’m sorry. I don’t feel well. Please excuse me.”
She gave a little bow, then hurried away. When she’d taken a turn in the path and knew she was out of sight, she began to run. The only problem was there was nowhere else to go.
As’ad walked to Kayleen’s suite, knocked, then entered. He found her in her room, curled up on the bed, sobbing as if her heart was broken.
He stared at her for a moment, feeling both compassion and a sense of certainty that his good news would erase her tears. He allowed himself to anticipate her sweet kisses when he proposed. How she would be so excited and grateful. Perhaps they would make love again. He was more than ready, although he would have to be careful so that he did not hurt her. She was new to the sensual world and too much attention in too short a time would leave her sore.
He walked to the side of the bed. “Kayleen.”
“Go away.”
“I will not. Sit up. I wish to speak to you.”
“No. I don’t want to talk. This isn’t your problem.”
“Of course it is. I caused it.”
She continued to cry, which surprised him. She’d seemed fine when he’d left her last night. A woman should not be left alone with her thoughts. It only created trouble.
“Kayleen-”
“Go
He considered the situation, then sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her upright. She ducked her head, refusing to look at him. He drew her against him.
“It is not as bad as all that.”
“Of course it is.” Her body shook with the force of her sobs. “I have betrayed everything I believe in. I’m not the person I thought. I gave myself to you without thinking it through. I barely know you. I don’t love you. You’re just some guy. What does that say about me?”
Some guy? He was Prince As’ad of El Deharia. He was royal and a sheik. Women
“I honored you,” he told her curtly.
“It wasn’t an honor to me.”
What? He pushed away his annoyance. She was emotional, he told himself. She wasn’t thinking clearly.
“Kayleen, we share a connection with the girls. You see me as a friend and someone you can trust. It is natural you would turn to me easily.”
She looked at him, her eyes swollen and red. “It’s not natural to me. I’m supposed to wait until I’m in love and married.”
“Sometimes it is difficult to resist the pull of sensual need.”
She hiccuped. “You’re saying I gave in because I wanted to do it and you just happened to be there? That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
Why was she deliberately misunderstanding him? “Not at all,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m saying that I am an experienced man. I know what to do to awaken that part of a woman.”
“So you tricked me? While I appreciate the effort, it’s not working. I have a responsibility in this. I have to deal with what happened, what I did and what it says about me.”
“I did not trick you.”
She shifted away and stood. “Whatever. You can go now.”
“I am not leaving,” he said as he rose to his feet. “Kayleen, you are missing the point of my visit.”
She wiped her cheeks with her fingers. “What’s the point?”
Not exactly the opening he’d imagined. He cleared his throat. “It occurs to me that you were not in a position to consider the ramifications of what happened to us. You were lost in the moment, not realizing that by giving in to me you were destroying your most precious gift and-”
