Del flipped the steaks again, then turned to face her. He wore his usual jeans and flannel shirt. The casual clothes emphasized his strength. When he folded his arms over his chest, the shoulder seams strained.
“I’ve liked having you here, Josie. We’re doing well together.”
“I agree.” She swallowed. She didn’t know where the conversation was headed and it made her nervous.
“I wish you’d contacted me when you’d first been hurt. I would have been there.”
“Why?” she asked bluntly. “We were divorced. We hadn’t seen each other in two years. What difference would my accident have made?”
“We’d been divorced for three years when you showed up here.”
“That was different. I wanted closure.”
Something shifted in his eyes, but she couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“Did you find it?” he asked.
She shrugged, still unable to tell him that she’d thought of him in that last moment when she’d believed she was going to die. “I wanted to know what had gone wrong between us. I guess I needed to tie up some loose ends.” She smiled. “You provided me with a detailed list of my faults, that’s for sure. I now have a very clear picture of everything I did wrong.”
He winced. “I’m sorry for all the stuff I said when I thought you were Rose. I was a jerk.”
“You were honest. It wasn’t fun to hear, but I needed the information. I like to think that I’ve changed since then.”
“In some ways. But your basic spirit and determination are alive and well. I’m glad.”
They gazed at each other. Something passed between them but Josie didn’t have a clue as to what it was. Her heart was too engaged, she thought. She wasn’t able to read his signals because she didn’t want to know anything bad.
He returned his attention to the steaks. “Annie May said you’d been talking about returning to teaching.”
“It’s crossed my mind. Not only do I have the training, I miss it.”
“She said something about special-needs kids.” He glanced at her over his shoulder. “Is that what you want or is it all you think you’re capable of?”
She couldn’t help laughing. “Gee, Del, I thought I was the one who asked the blunt questions in this relationship.”
“Hey, I learned from a master. So which is it?”
She considered her answer before speaking. “I suppose in my heart I know that I could go back to what I was doing before. There might have to be some physical adjustments, but I would still be a good coach. But the idea of working with kids who have physical limitations is appealing to me. I’ve been through the surgeries, I felt what it’s like to try to walk when every cell of my body is screaming in pain. I’ve lived with the despair and dying hope. While I would love to take a basketball team to the state championship, I think I would do a lot more good helping a child have fun from a wheelchair.”
He put down his tongs, crossed the room and kissed her on the mouth.
“What was that for?” she asked as he returned to the grill.
“No reason.”
Maybe not, but the action had left her all tingly inside. She had to catch her breath before she could speak again. “I’ve spoken to my sister, Katie. She’s the physical therapist.”
“I remember Katie.”
“She said that there are lots of opportunities for what I’m talking about.”
Del felt himself being ripped in two. On the one hand he liked everything Josie was saying. Her words illustrated the changes in her and made him hope that they had a future together. On the other hand he didn’t know if she planned to pursue her new career here or somewhere else. Was she in his house because she wanted to be or because it was convenient? Was their newfound intimacy just a quick trip into the past, or had he managed to touch her heart?
The simplest way to find out would be to ask, but he didn’t want to hear the answer if it was no.
In the past few weeks he’d come full circle with Josie. At first he’d been attracted to a stranger named Rose. Then he’d been furious to find out she was his ex-wife. Now he was discovering new things about her that made him know he’d been crazy to think he would ever forget her or stop loving her. He wanted them to have a second chance, but this time he wanted it to work.
He turned the meat again. He was cooking them on a low flame to make sure they stayed tender. Josie had already prepared baked potatoes which were wrapped in foil and waiting on the table.
“We both made a lot of mistakes when we were married,” he said, not looking at her. “For a long time I thought all the fault was yours, but it wasn’t. I screwed up, too. At least half of the blame is mine.”
“Relationships are about sharing,” she teased.
He glanced at her. Fading sunlight caught her blond hair, bringing out faint traces of gold. Her skin glowed, her smile was tender. Just looking at her made his heart ache.
“You’re tough,” he said. “You’re stubborn. You’re not a quitter. I know I asked this before, but I still want to know why you quit on us.”
The laughter left her eyes and she sighed. “I don’t know, Del. I’ve asked myself that same question. I guess a lot of it is that I liked to be a winner and I could never win with you. All my life my dad had pounded the concept of being right, of winning, into me. Nothing else mattered to him. I didn’t know how to compromise, I didn’t know how to say, “We were both wrong.” Or if I’d said it, I didn’t know how to believe it. I literally had to get hit by a truck before I figured out that winning isn’t everything. That I don’t always have to be right.” Her mouth turned up at the corners. “I know I look really bright but occasionally I’m a slow learner.”
“It took Annie May reading me the riot act to figure out that I hadn’t exactly been the perfect husband. So I guess we’re even.”
She smoothed her skirt over her lap. “I’ve spent the past year figuring out my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve had to learn to depend on people. I couldn’t do it all myself. That’s been a hard and ugly lesson and I still forget it from time to time.” She paused. “I’m sorry I was so immature when we were married. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to talk things out.”
“I’m sorry I was a jerk who expected you to cater to his every whim.”
She chuckled. “I’m many things, but I’m sure not like Catherine. I never will be.”
“I never wanted you to be my mom.” When she raised her eyebrows, he held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Okay, maybe I did want you to take care of me the same way, but I know now that was unrealistic. Besides, you were amazing in very non-maternal ways.”
Her gaze narrowed. “You’re talking about sex, aren’t you?”
“Oh, yeah. You were always hot, Josie. You still are.”
He expected her to laugh, or at least smile, but she didn’t. Sadness darkened her eyes.
“I can’t be like that anymore, Del. That part of my life is over. If you’re waiting for it to reappear, it’s not going to happen.”
He heard the pain in her voice, and it frustrated him. “Dammit, Josie, you’re talking about doing it up against the wall again. Why are you fixated on that?”
“Because it’s lost to me. I’ll never be that woman again.”
“Who says I want her back?”
“You just did when you talked about me being hot. Which doesn’t make any sense because when you thought I was Rose you said our sex life before was lousy.”
He turned off the grill, then walked over to crouch in front of her. Her eyes were huge and her mouth straight. He could see he’d hurt her.
“Chemistry,” he said touching her cheek with his fingers. “We have great chemistry. We’re both spontaneous. It’s about attitude, not location or position. As for what I said when I let my lips flap without my brain engaged, I’m sorry.”
She jerked free of his touch and turned her head away. “Being sorry doesn’t change the truth. I thought I was at least good in bed when we were married, but I w-wasn’t.”
His throat tightened as her voice cracked. Del knew he’d done serious damage and he didn’t know how to fix it. Except with the truth.
“I wanted more, Josie,” he said quietly. “The wild crazy sex was fun, but I needed a connection that was more
